Sunday, September 30, 2007

15 Years Ago Today

One of the greatest songs by one of the greatest bands...ever.

Woosterfest---The Aftermath

Ahh Woosterfest, where the locals have forgotten the Germanic heritage behind the Oktoberfest tradition. We meandered our way down to the square last night, dog and baby and Divari's in tow, and checked out the local festivities. Our arrival was beset by delays however.
It was all The Kov.
You see, The Kov was also supposed be coming down but it is my belief that he was scared off by the fact that Woosterfest was holding a Cornhole Tournament (or cornholing tournament...I'm not sure which). Anyway, The Kov suddenly contracted a case of "Forgotten Previous Appointment-itis" and had to bail.
But we soldiered on without him.
Woosterfest in and of itself was a lot like the county fair without the gypsies and the carnival rides of questionable safety. There were lots of food places to visit. You could indulge your sweet tooth at the funnel cake stands, buy an Amish Fry Pie, munch on some Lerches donuts, or nibble on candy apples and elephant ears. You could satisfy your hunger with ribs, chicken, corn dogs, and blooming potatoes. All of this is very ethnic and ties directly into Germano-Hungarian Oktoberfest tradition. They even had ONE bratwurst vendor. Woosterfest...a Germanic tradition...
Yet we had three Rib places because...well I have no clue.
But they did have beer at a modest $2 a cup...far better than stadium prices. They also had wine but I had my white-trash going on and avoided the wine booth.
But for the truly German, you could check out the fine variety of tie-dye t-shirts for sale flanking all the vendors selling Native American knockoffs. Again, what's a German to choose?
My most aggravating moment was visiting Seattle's Beer-Swilling and sometimes Coffee House. Seattle's used to be the great Bohemian coffee shop but then whored themselves out to sell alcohol. The service was always good and the place was clean. Now...not so much. The men's room smelled very much like a football team took all their jock straps after a hot gamer and urinated onto them, stuffed them into a poorly ventilated room, and left them to marinate. After escaping that hell, I waited in line for 5 minutes waiting to get someone to fetch me a mocha. But the tools behind the counter seemed oblivious to my waiting as they were far too busy talking to the same person the entire time.
But I digress.
Woosterfest as a cultural affair only appealed to two distinct cultures. Agriculture and Horticulture. However, there were plenty of places to eat, lots of great live entertainment, and plenty of things for kids to do. Essentially, there was something to do for long as you weren't truly German.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

I Is A Genius

Dr. Quatto, above, seen at his Manhattan Laboratory making something he claims will "change the world".

Friday, September 28, 2007

Oh Coach, If Only You Were Coming To Wooster

OH MY GOD, IT'S THE CLOWN!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't Laugh--This is Really How It Is

So today has been a rather pro-Cheech/pro-Chong posting day. Well, this is the piece de resistance. This fine piece of cinema retells the journey of our intrepid stoners to the welfare office. The people in this clip (including a young Michael Winslow) are VERY much like the people at the welfare office. How do I know? Well, Squid and I hung out at the welfare office one day and saw this scene come to life all around us. It was pretty damn frightening to behold.

Race, Slapstick, and Soliloquy

How To Write a Hit Song

Pure f'ing genius. I cannot tell you how many hours and brain cells I wasted watching their films.

Spirit of Truth -- Grand Slam

Damn! You know, if I could find a preacher this entertaining, I might consider going back to church.

Do Not Anger The Squid

So I found this kick-ass website that features this fine piece clothing. The Coach already found the Latin cross section of a squid t-shirt. I do believe that this fine piece would make an excellent addition to the Squid stash of squid-related and squid-friendly products.

Check out the Angry Squid shop here: Angry Squid Shirt

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Behold My Poll!

New poll up today. Which celebrity do YOU think should never be allowed to have children? Vote below!

No Wonder MAC's are Easy

Space: 1899

One for all you Sci-Fi geeks.

Men on Football

Coach, Squid, and I used to watch Monday Night Football all the time, usually under the influence of Mickey's Big Mouth or some other bottled beer. Well, the similarities between our evening of football watching and this skit are eerily close.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Deucey, Baby

This weeks pool results are in and it looks like the clear winner for Shannon Deuce's "adult entertainer" name is Deuce Bigaho: Chick Gigolo.

Also, it seems that my fearless readers are all about Batman: The Dark Knight. Now if we can just find a way to mix Deuce and Batman together...


Sunday, September 23, 2007

And it Just gets Better...Spirit of Truth Trifecta!

Truth rocks the Sermon on the Mount! Incidentally, Megaton Maynard does the same crip-walk dance in his latest film with Mike Tyson. Humbly, I submit that a 600 pound superhero might do it slightly better. It looks better in Maynard Vision at the very least.

Spirit of Truth -- Dance Fever

Ever wonder where your favorite superhero got all his dance moves AND his megaton camera presence? Right here. Show them how it's done, Truth!

Ghetto Fabulous

Saturday, September 22, 2007

But We Still Love You, Quatto

The Swedish Murder Machine

What can I say about the Venture Brothers and Brock Samson? It is far and away the BEST animated series on television today. As a lifelong comic book geek, it is refreshing to see a new take on on an old topic. The characters are both fleshed out creatively as well as painfully stuffed into old stereotypes. The villains are campy, funny, deranged, and cool. The pill-popping addictions of "super-scientist" Rusty Venture are both comical and compelling insofar that to be a failed son of the greatest scientific mind the world has ever seen might drive many of us to imbibe painkilling vices. The henchmen are great and one of the finest moments comes in season two when the henchmen are in a support group together... to stop the "henching" mentality.
I love the Monarch. Dr. Girlfriend, and Phantom Limb. Minor villains like White Noize and King Gorilla are just deep enough to rivet our attention to them. And through it all, the hapless boys have only died a dozen or so times, only to be re-animated as clones after each increasingly graphic death.
But the best, hands down, is Dr. Orpheus. Granted, I dig Brock and the Doc and the Monarch...but Orpheus just rules. Single dad raising his own little goth-kidlet, master of arcane sorcery, he looks like a dracula, and his overly-dramatic delivery of his dialog just kills me.

Check out the Venture Brothers on Adult Swim on Sunday nights.

Or better yet, check out their webpage here...

The Venture Brothers

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Megaton Maynard's New Film Project

So your hero has received pitches from his Hollywood contacts for his new film. First we have:

In Megaton Maynard 16: Fear Fracture, Maynard teams up with two other international super types, The Black Lily from France and the Iron Sikh from India, and we go globetrotting, killing the animated zombie remains of past super-villains. Sounds tight, eh?

Then we have:
In Megaton Maynard 16: I Quattomus, Spy Smasher and I go to Moonbase Q where we have to rescue the wreckless and feckless Dr. Quatto from his own Herpes-bots and other nefarious "super-sciencey" constructs made sinister by tampering with by some villain, either the evil Dr. Quest twin brother Dennis or an alien like Moroni of Fagtar.

So loyal readers, which of these fine pieces of cinema history do YOU think Maynard should make next?


So Woosterfest is coming next weekend and offers a fine opportunity for drinking in the beer garden, drinking in the wine garden, climbing the velcro wall after going to the beer gardens, and the only opportunity one has to wander around drunk downtown and not get arrested.

Needless to say, Woosterfest has soft spot in my heart as it was here that Coach and I went to get hammered and wound up babbling to Naked Bob in the town square for like two hours after several hours of hard drinking. In many ways, Woosterfest helped to bring Naked Bob back to the old gang after having gone our separate ways for sometime. So drink up to old friends and lifelong friendships this weekend. Or better yet, make a trip to Wooster next Saturday and come hang out with us (cough: Trixie; hint: Deuce).

There are even some activities for the kids to enjoy beyond the psychotherapeutic trauma of watching their drunk father lie in the fetal position in the town square, crying. Thank God that Sara is not old enough to see that life-changing disappointment.

So let us know if you are interested in a day of booze and brats. Hope to see you there.

Come and See the Violence Inherent in the System

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

All For You Trixie

Arrr matey, Today Be Talk Like A Pirate Day

Five Questions Heroes Needs to Answer

What happened to Sylar? Is he very dead, or only a little?

During their anti-climactic battle in DNA Plaza, Sylar was fighting Peter Petrelli, and naturally, easily beating him. Suddenly, Sylar was surprised from behind by Hiro, who using his teleportation powers and a sword, stabbed him in the chest. Now, despite what a panel of high school football coaches might have to say on the subject, getting run through with a sword is very difficult to just walk off. And, seeing as Sylar wasn’t known to have any healing powers, one could state pretty confidently that he was now very, very dead.

And one would be completely wrong, as proved minutes later by the long lingering shot of a bloody trail leading from where Sylar’s body lay to an open manhole. As Agatha Christie’s famous detective Hercule Poirot once commented: “When a body goes missing, and a trail of blood leads to a an open manhole, I am thinking two things: One, that guy probably isn’t dead yet, and two, I am getting myself some motherfucking CHUD-repellent.”

Another related observation: Just before Sylar “died,” a series of images flashed across his eyes—images of the victims he took his powers from—accompanied by what can only be described as “a weird noise.” Is it possible that this was Sylar losing his powers somehow? What kind of noise do people make when they lose powers they stole by looking at people’s brains? Does anyone know? Science? Can you help us out, here?

Nathan and Peter Petrelli. Man those guys were tools. Please say they’re never coming back.

If you lost track of the number of exploding men in the series, you can be forgiven. There were at least three of them, none with very good hair. The one who actually exploded in the end was Peter Petrelli, who lost control of his powers because he had forgotten how to love, or was loving too much, or something ridiculous. He was prevented from exploding in the city itself when his brother Nathan arrived, grabbed him and took off into the sky. An explosion in the air a few seconds later appeared to seal the fate of the two brothers.

(Some of you probably recall the tagline from the Heroes ads that aired toward the end of last season: How Do You Stop An Exploding Man? The answer, it turns out, is to hug him and fly away really quickly. Why that part never made it into the ad taglines is still unknown.)

The brothers' exact fate wasn’t revealed during the season finale, and none of the online Heroes content released this summer has mentioned charred corpses falling from the sky. Which means they’re definitely alive.

Unless they’re not.

Unless they’re not not.

How long have people had these abilities anyways? It looked like Linderman and the Company have been around for a long time.

Given the tremendous abilities on display in this show, it was widely assumed by fans that in the Heroes universe these were the first humans to develop incredible abilities. After all, if for decades people had been exploding or flying or having split personalities that both looked really good in tight pants, someone probably would have noticed that by now, right?

Yet by the end of the first season, it was clear that Mr. Linderman and his conspiracy had been around for a long time. Anyone who read the online graphic novels knows that Linderman has had his powers since at least the Vietnam War. And the Company (where Claire’s dad works) had been cataloging people with abilities since at least the '90s. Clearly people have had these marvelous abilities for decades, yet we don’t recall any dudes, who could fly, shaking hands with Nancy Reagan on the White House lawn before turning to the camera and advising the nation’s children that only dopes use dope.

Additionally, a lot of characters once thought tangential were revealed to be closely tied to Linderman’s shadowy organization—Hiro’s dad, Angela Petrelli, Charles Deveaux, etc. It was implied that these older characters had been working together for some time. Seemingly, they broke up over a disagreement about whether or not it was a good idea to blow up New York (we still don’t know the answer to that question). But, what were they doing before this?

What crazy adventures will Hiro get up to in the past?

In the season finale, fan favorite Hiro, having finally managed to retain control of his powers for most of an episode, set out to meet his destiny, only to meet it, fulfill it, then accidentally teleport himself back in time to Feudal Japan. Which is the sort of bad Monday we’ve all had at one point or another.

Whether Hiro stays in 17th-century Japan for long is hard to say, although it’s a good bet that if he’s lost control of his powers again, he’ll be there for a while. Hiro’s tendency to repeatedly lose control of his powers can be frustrating for us viewers, but it probably makes sense from a narrative point of view. If Hiro ever did have full control of his abilities, he’d basically be unstoppable. The remainder of the show’s eight-season run would consist of the other characters sitting around playing online poker, sending Hiro out to save the world every time representatives from the United Nations appeared begging for help on the enormous television screen mounted on the wall of the Hero Cave.

Who is the mysterious creature that Molly refers to that’s “much worse than the boogeyman?”

In the last episode, Molly, the little girl who can find people by thinking about them, claimed that there was only one person in the world she couldn’t find, someone “much worse” than Sylar. This extremely interesting development was just as quickly swept aside when everyone present was distracted by something. It might have been Matt Parkman getting his head stuck in a pot of honey. We’re not sure, we taped over it.

And with Sylar potentially out of commission for a little while, the gap in the all-powerful villains department seems pretty glaring. Could this mysterious Molly-frightening creature be the main antagonist for the second season?


Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Mild Mannered Wemedge May Be Green Lantern, But Megaton Maynard Is All Hulk

Your results:
You are Hulk

Iron Man
Green Lantern
The Flash
Wonder Woman
You are a wanderer with
amazing strength.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

At Last....The Spirit of Truth (nsfw language)

New Content...giggity

Hello civilians. Megaton Maynard here.

The Maynard has added some new features to his Megaton-Blog. At the bottom of the page is a fine addition that gives you some interesting "This Day In History" tidbits.

On your right is the Megaton Maynard fan tracker that let's your favorite hero know where his loyal fans are linking from. It even has a feature that allows Kid Yeti to count as a human being. Below the fan tracker is the BF Mapstats link that gives you the skinny on the global phenomena that is Megaton Maynard.

Monday, September 17, 2007

New Polls Are Up!

With all this fine talk of superheroes, I've put it you, my loyal readers, to decide which suerhero movie you are most looking forward to seeing.

Further, Shannon Deuce also called your humble narrator to the carpet for having not given her a porno-name as of yet. Thus we have an unprecedented second poll for my loyal readers to vote on what they feel the Deuce's stage name ought to be. Me? I am partial to Deuce Bigaho: Chick Gigolo.

Please scroll to the bottom of the page. Vote early and vote often!!!!

Right Back At Ya Trixie

I'm Green Lantern

Your results:
You are Green Lantern

Green Lantern
Wonder Woman
Iron Man
The Flash
Hot-headed. You have strong
will power and a good imagination.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

Raider Fan Loves The Heavies

Sunday, September 16, 2007

This Reeks of Awesomeness

The West Virginia Six


Alright You West Virginians, An Explanation Please

Details Emerge In West Virginia Torture Case

(CBS News) BIG CREEK, W.Va. Six people have been arrested in West Virginia coal country for the week-long torture of a young woman. Six people, all white, were arrested in connection with the alleged abduction of the black woman. Authorities are investigating the case as a possible hate crime.

Authorities said Megan Williams, 20, was forced to eat rat and dog feces and drink from a toilet. She was sexually assaulted, doused with hot water, choked with a cable cord and stabbed in the leg, according to criminal complaints.

"I've been in law enforcement for over 30 years. This is far and away the most horrendous thing I have ever seen," said Logan County Sheriff Eddie Hunter.

"Something like this is so horrifying it makes you want to puke," Magistrate Leonard Codispoti, who set bond at $100,000 for each of the suspects, told The Logan Banner.

On Tuesday, police tape surrounded the front and back entrances to the beige-and-brown mobile home adjacent to the shed. An open window revealing purple curtains. An extension cord runs from the home to the cramped shed, which Williams shared with a portable stereo, a locker and a power saw.

"I don't understand such a horrific crime being committed here," said Johnny Meade, pastor of the Apostolic Church of God in the Name of Christ Jesus.

Two others suspected of driving the woman to the home are being sought, said Logan County Chief Sheriff's Deputy V.K. Dingess. Authorities are still trying to determine whether Williams knew the suspects. She may have met them on the Internet. One report says she had visited the home before.

Williams also may be mentally retarded. Her father says she has taken special education classes; her mother said she has "mental issues."

"She has a history of kind of drifting off every once in awhile, and so I just thought she was just running around town," her mother, Carmen Williams, told CBS affiliate WOWK.

At one point, one of her captors cut her ankle with a knife and used the N-word in telling her she was victimized because she is black.

"I don't understand a human being doing another human being the way they did my daughter," Carmen Williams said Tuesday from her daughter's hospital room. "I didn't know there were people like that out here."

News organizations don't usually release the names of victims of sexual abuse, but in this case, Megan's mother says she wants people to know the horror that was done to her daughter, reports CBS News correspondent Susan McGinnis.

"I want other parents and other mothers to realize, I guess, that people are out there like that, keep a close eye on their children. You never think it would happen to your child. Obviously, I never thought that, but here we are," Carmen Williams told WOWK.

The ordeal ended Saturday when she managed to limp to the front door of the trailer, where Logan County Sheriff's deputies had gone to investigate an anonymous tip.

"She came to the door with her hands out, crying 'help me,'" said Hunter. "She had two black eyes, part of her hair had been pulled out, she had lacerations on her legs, marks on her neck, and she had been physically, mentally and sexually abused. It's out of a horror movie."

Williams' most severe injuries are a fractured arm and a deep stab wound to her leg, reports WOWK's Sara Garvin.

Frankie Brewster, 49, who owns the mobile home, is charged with kidnapping, sexual assault, malicious wounding and giving false information during a felony investigation.

She was released from prison in September 2000 after serving five years for voluntary manslaughter and wanton endangerment in the death of 84-year-old Polly Ferrell, according to court records.

Brewster's son, Bobby R. Brewster, 24, also of Big Creek, is charged with kidnapping, sexual assault, malicious wounding and assault during the commission of a felony.

Danny J. Combs, 20, of Harts, is charged with sexual assault and malicious wounding. Karen Burton, 46, of Chapmanville, is charged with malicious wounding, battery and assault during the commission of a felony.

Her daughter, Alisha Burton, 23, of Chapmanville, and George A. Messer, 27, of Chapmanville, are charged with assault during the commission of a felony and battery.

In May, Alisha Burton was accused of striking Messer with a shovel and smashing the window of another woman's car. Burton was charged with domestic assault and battery and destruction of property, court records showed. Those charges are pending.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Simply Awesome

Welcome to Ric Flair Finance


Tired of getting the runaround and turndown from all the big lenders?

Now with Ric Flair Finance will do all the work for you.

"Forget the rest. Just work with the best! Wooooo "

Thursday, September 13, 2007

And the Weiner Is...

Trixie Tang!

Trixie had the most votes for her porno name, narrowly edging out Long Dong Divari for first place. Congratulations Trixie. Now take a bow...

Check back for a new poll soon.

Andy Is a Bigger Nerd than The Maynard says I'm a High Nerd.  What are you?  Click here!

Megaton Maynard is Down with the Ladies

I would just like to say that Jen and I have totally awesome friends. Last weekend Jen had a booth set up at the Medina County Ren Faire and her BFF, as always, came through in the clutch. Trixie was kind enough to help Jen set up and work the booth all day Saturday while her mild mannered billionaire philanthropist husband Andrew worked kid duty and paparazzi to the Ren Faire stars. From dawn till late afternoon they stayed with us through thick and thin. To make things that much better, Shannon and Kev also came to hang with us. Shannon was charming, Kev cured my hiccups again, and we had a fine time. Shannon and Kev even went the extra mile to get us seats at BW3's for dinner and waited for us to tear down (also with the help of Trixie and Drew) the tent and pack up. Then on Sunday, the Divari's came down to the faire, hung out with us, bought a giant hat, and helped us tear down again. I wanted to post a picture of Andivari on here today but his wife tells me he fears cameras as soul-sucking tools of the devil that will exile him to a life of boredom and insignificance (kinda like Skippy).

Regardless, I would like to offer my most heartfelt appreciation for the love and friendship you have all shown to us...even when it involves handcuffs, silly string, and squeegies. To wit, I am honored to call all of you my friend.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

For My Babe Trixie

I'll see your hopping Japanese baseball players and raise you Japanese ball shot television.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Ah Charlie, We Hardly Knew Ya...

After his disastrous performance in the home opener this past weekend against the dreaded Pittsburgh Squealers, Charlie Frye's tenure in C-Town has come to an end. As I wrote this, he is Seattle SDeahawks bound for a draft pick. It's another sad chapter in the embarassment that is the Browns. Back in the 80's and early 90's the Browns were, at the very least, competitive. My Browns are now in Baltimore and we have been sold this bill of goods that is the new Cleveland franchise. They have been doomed from the get-go.

It took way too long for the new ownership to be settled on by the league. When they finally decided on Al Lerner, they had to scramble to pit together a skeleton organization to field for the Fall schedule.

The NFL decided that the perks given to previous expansion franchises, such as the Jags and Panthers, made them too competitive too soon. As such, the new Browns, as the next new franchise, got neutered by a gun-shy NFL.

They selected Chris Palmer as their 3rd or 4th selection for head coach. Everyone knew that Palmer was just keeping the seat warm for. . .

Butch Davis, who drafted badly, coached badly, scouted badly, ran the administration out the door and replaced them with his lackeys, and torpedoes the entire franchise. The Browns after Davis were no better off than their inaugural year.

Tim Couch. I like Tim Couch but god damn Kenny Stabler couldn't have won with the offensive line that Couch played behind. Couch never had a chance and Butch Davis destroyed his arm, his confidence and his career. How he got up from blistering hit after brutal sack time and time again I do not know. A poll recently listed Couch as the 4th worst 1st round pick of all time. I totally disagree with that. He never got guys to play in front of him, his coach only drafted defense, and his bell just got rung too many times. In the few, and I do mean few, games that Couch actually got some protection, he played like a first round pick. But getting murdered for 15 games does not make up for the 1 good game your line actually blocks for you.

Three Head Coaches in 8+ years. Not a good way to develop any type of consistency. This team has never had consistency or stability in any one area of the franchise. I am hopeful that Phil Savage has it figured out but I am afraid that Romeo Crennel is just keeping the seat warm for Bill Cowher.

But most of all I hate Cleveland Sports fans. I sympathize with them in that all the really want is a team that will win three games each season. To beat Pittsburgh, Baltimore, and Cincinnati all at home. But they turn on their team, their players, and themselves. They kiss the ground Tim Couch walked on and then treat him today as though the ills of the Browns are his fault alone. They do the same to Frye, will do the same to Anderson, and will likely ruin yet another promising career in Brady Quinn.

Bank that salary Brady if you know what's good for you.

In many ways, the loss of the Browns to Baltimore soured me on pro-sports forever. I despise basketball despite having one of the league's premier players in LeBron James. I hate baseball despite the fact my team is in first place. I hate football, golf, Nascar, and just about any other organized team sport. I used to love hockey but now I barely tolerate it.

But what about the Monsters? Will I see the Erie Monsters play hockey. Oh hell ya. Minor league hockey is about all I can stand anymore.

So goodbye Charlie Frye. I'll miss you as a loyal Akron U alumnus. I'll miss you as a former football fan. But I'll pity you as one more body ground up and fed to the wolves by the worst franchise in pro sports history...the Cleveland Browns.

As A Ninja, You Cannot Hear How Much I Suck

The Stinkfist is Coming for Ya!

I'm Sorry, I Can't Hear You Over The Sound of How Awesome I Am

People Who Wear Crocs Are Into Incredibly Depraved Sex

Andrew, if the above statement is true, then you, sir, are my hero.

On last night's episode of the The Daily Show, Jon Stewart interviewed Rob Corddry from a men's room stall at the Minneapolis Airport. Turns out that Corddry had been deep undercover in that bathroom trying to expose the seedy underbelly of gay bathroom sex for almost a year. In that time, Corddry reported that you could tell what kind of kinky shit someone is into based on what type of shoes they wear. Wingtips for standard man-on-man, socks with sandals for the first-timer, and crocs for the incredibly depraved.

Check out "Trapped in the Men's Room" on Comedy Central's Motherload for the full vid.

Comedy Central

Monday, September 10, 2007

New Sketch of Megaton Maynard

This comes courtesy of my personal "Dynamic Duo" of The KoV and Divari, animators and illustrators for my many cartoon and comic book series. Notice the intensity of my stare. In the business of Hero-ocity we call this the Thousand Yard Stare, meaning "I am going to dropkick your dumb villain ass at least a thousand yards after I open up on you with the Hammer of Justice". Please note the link on your right and visit Divari's Sketchbook to see even more illustrated fare from Divari and the KoV, like Chico and the Man.

MTV's Video Music Abortion Show

So "Music" Television put out their annual stroke-fest of shitty videos by shitty artists. The usual antics went down. Kanye West vowed never to return to MTV after getting shut out of five awards. He was overheard saying something to the effect that MTV is keeping the Black Man down. Judging by the cavalcade of mediocre R & B, rap, and hip-hop artists on MTV every day, I think Kanye needs to realize what this superhero has known all along. He sucks and he's lame.

Tommy Lee got kicked off the show before it even began after Kid Rock kicked his ass. Kid Rock? Serioulsy? And Tommy Lee? He was last relevant during the Clinton years (not the ones coming up). And he gets smacked around by a beer swilling southern redneck. Awkward....

Justin Timberlake got his dick waxed by the usual suits at MTV, filling him with enough confidence to challenge MTV to "show more music" and less reality TV. Chances are he'll get hi wish and your hero will be stuck wasting away through MORE Justin Timberlake videos.

And of course there is Britney. Slightly paunchy, uninspired, out of step, and she can't even lip-synch right anymore. As a media darling, Mega-Maynard knows when to mind his business in the entertainment world. I couodn't tell if she was wasted on 'ludes or valium but she should juts give it up. She has an obligation to her legions of monkey-spanking fans to stay freakishly thin, lip-synch with the best of them, and gain more publicity than those peers more talented than she is. I mean at this point, it seems K-Fred has more going for him than Britney.

Anyway, watch the video before it either gets pulled or you stick a red-hot fork in your eyes to blind yourself from the horror.

Friday, September 7, 2007

You Are Getting Sleepy

The evils of the Magic Kingdom. Vanessa Hudgens is just another in a string of crazy young stars to embarass themselves after/during their Disney career. The juggernaut that is Disney TV has really churned out a cavalcade of craptastic celebrities over the years:

Britney Spears -- Hillbilly trainwreck; uber-whore; no talent hack
Christina Aquilera -- Blonde latina (?) who redefined skanky before she realized she was talented
Justin Timberlake -- Power 'mo who still thinks Michael Jackson is relevant
Vanessa Hudgens -- trying to make 70's bush popular again
Fergie -- wet herself on stage: dedication or deviance?
Lindsey Lohan -- "fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son"
Jessica Simpson -- finalist for the mouse club but never made it on -- standards, heh, who knew?
Ryan Gosling -- who the hell is Ryan Gosling?

As you can see by the photo above, it may not be all the fault of the star in question. Disney seems to have some pretty heavy handed "initiation" techniques that may turn the mind and morals of these once innocent kids into mush. It would appear that out-right brainwashing is used. This, my fearless reader, is what your humble narrator will try to get to the bottom of.

Oh The Humanity

News reports have surfaced indicating that "High School Musical" pop-tart Vanessa Hudgens has been a naughty girl who let her boyfriend snap nude photos of her in their hotel room in Hawaii. As you all know, Megaton Maynard, superhero extra-ordinaire, is all about celibacy and morality. Maynard's credo is that, "There is no time for love or generalized nudeness when crime is afoot". However, as a superhero, Megaton Maynard is something of an investigator, having honed my skills while working closely with Lush Man. Lush Man always taught me that scandalous nude photos of any young starlet need to be "poured over with a fine tooth comb, often sacrificing hours of your day to not just study the nude in question but to seek others like it. Well my loyal readers, your hero WILL be studying this scandalous nude photo several times a day for at least 5 to 7 minutes a pop. . . you know, to confirm that it really is her and not like Fidel Castro in drag or anything.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

With Apologies to Cookie

Well, it turns out that while I expected someone to complain about being on the porno list, I was not expecting a complaint for being left off. My beautiful, talented, lovely, and well endowed with huge tracks of land sister-in-law has called your humble blogger to the floor for leaving her the list.

So Cookie, here are some of the finer porn-starlet names I have discovered for you.

Cream Cookie
Pink Cookie
Cookie Lubber
Cookie Spreadum
DP Cookie
Stretch Cookie
Cookie Stump
Buster Cookie
Cookie Cox
Cookie Lipps
Cookie Funkenstein
Cookie Holiday
Cookie Samples
Cookie Kramz
Cookie Canyon
Cherry Cookie
Ginger Cookie
Malt Licka Cookie (for the brothers)
Cookie Chow
Cookie Mounds
Cookie Cleavage
Whopper Cookie
Cookie Shagswell
Alabama Fudgeslide Cookie
Almond Joy Cookie Balls

Personally, I don't see myself ever passing up a shot at something as delightfully naughty as an Alabama Fudgeslide Cookie. That's my vote.

New Poll Up Now!!!

Awesome, I say. While surfing the interwebs I found several "name generator" programs for things such as porn stars, prison bitches, and hacker handles. Well, I opted to see what some of these programs came up with for those people lucky enough (or sad enough) to be my closeted, err, I mean closest friends. So without further ado, who do you feel has the best name made for "adult entertainment". Voting is opened. Vote early. Vote often. Vote for more than one this time.

The Jury Is In!

Well, my loyal readers (all two of you) have voted and your will is done. YOU the loyal reader believe that the only reason that Morty would go to a Richard Marx concert is to score, possible with Richard Marx (a little stinkfist action?).

Morty, however, calls it patently false. To paraphrase Morty, " Okay fucker...blah one has it right...blah blah...squid's TV made me blind...blah blah...WHOOOO!....blah're lame...blah blah...I hit on a transvestite by mistake one night...blah blah"

So there you have it. Look for a brand new poll exclusive to this fine blog very soon.


Babysitter Cam Catches a Ghost on Film - Watch more free videos

Sunday, September 2, 2007

GOP = Gay Old Pedophiles

So why are so many Republicans child molesters, 'mo's, or pedophiles? What's with Haggard and Foley and Craig and so many others being closeted, self-loathing 'mo's? And what's with their "affection" for minors? Is it all part of their "Family Values" platform?

  • Republican legislator Ted Klaudt was charged with raping girls under the age of 16.
  • Republican County Commissioner Patrick Lee McGuire surrendered to police after allegedly molesting girls between the ages of 8 and 13.
  • Republican prosecutor Larry Corrigan was arrested for soliciting sex from 13-year old girls.
  • Republican Mayor Jeffrey Kyle Randall was sentenced to 275 days in jail for molesting two boys -- ages ten and 12 -- during a six-year period.
  • Republican Congressman Mark Foley abruptly resigned from Congress after "sexually explicit" emails surfaced showing him flirting with a 16-year old boy.
  • Republican executive Randall Casseday of the conservative Washington Times newspaper pleaded guilty to soliciting sex from a 13-year old girl on the internet.
  • Republican chairman of the Oregon Christian Coalition Lou Beres confessed to molesting a 13-year old girl.
  • Republican Party leader Bobby Stumbo was arrested for having sex with a 5-year old boy.
  • Republican petition drive manager Tom Randall pleaded guilty to molesting two girls under the age of 14, one of them the daughter of an associate in the petition business.
  • Republican teacher and former city councilman John Collins pleaded guilty to sexually molesting 13 and 14 year old girls.
  • Republican Mayor Philip Giordano is serving a 37-year sentence in federal prison for sexually abusing 8- and 10-year old girls.
  • Republican Mayor Tom Adams was arrested for distributing child pornography over the internet.
  • Republican Mayor John Gosek was arrested on charges of soliciting sex from two 15-year old girls.
  • Republican County Commissioner David Swartz pleaded guilty to molesting two girls under the age of 11 and was sentenced to 8 years in prison.
  • Republican Committeeman John R. Curtin was convicted of molesting an underage teenage boy and sentenced to serve six to 18 months in prison.
  • Republican anti-abortion activist Nicholas Morency pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer and offering a bounty to anybody who murders an abortion doctor.
  • Republican campaign consultant Tom Shortridge was sentenced to three years probation for taking nude photographs of a 15-year old girl.
  • Republican racist pedophile and United States Senator Strom Thurmond had sex with a 15-year old black girl which produced a child.
  • Republican pastor Mike Hintz, whom George W. Bush commended during the 2004 presidential campaign, surrendered to police after admitting to a sexual affair with a female juvenile.
  • Republican advertising consultant Carey Lee Cramer was sentenced to six years in prison for molesting two 8-year old girls, one of whom appeared in an anti-Gore television commercial.
  • Republican fundraiser Lawrence E. King, Jr. organized child sex parties at the White House during the 1980s.
  • Republican lobbyist Craig J. Spence organized child sex parties at the White House during the 1980s.
  • Republican Congressman Donald "Buz" Lukens was found guilty of having sex with a female minor and sentenced to one month in jail.
  • Republican fundraiser Richard A. Delgaudio was found guilty of child porn charges and paying two teenage girls to pose for sexual photos.
  • Republican Congressman Dan Crane had sex with a female minor working as a congressional page.
  • Republican activist and Christian Coalition leader Beverly Russell admitted to an incestuous relationship with his step daughter.
  • Republican Judge Ronald C. Kline pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography on his home computer.
  • Republican congressman and anti-gay activist Robert Bauman was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old boy he picked up at a gay bar.
  • Republican Committee Chairman Jeffrey Patti was arrested for distributing a video clip of a 5-year-old girl being raped.
  • Republican activist Marty Glickman (a.k.a. "Republican Marty"), was taken into custody by Florida police on four counts of unlawful sexual activity with an underage girl and one count of delivering the drug LSD.
  • Republican legislative aide Howard L. Brooks was charged with molesting a 12-year old boy and possession of child pornography.
  • Republican Senate candidate John Hathaway was accused of having sex with his 12-year old baby sitter and withdrew his candidacy after the allegations were reported in the media.
  • Republican preacher Stephen White, who demanded a return to traditional values, was sentenced prison after offering $20 to a 14-year-old boy for permission to perform oral sex on him.
  • Republican talk show host Jon Matthews pleaded guilty to exposing his genitals to an 11 year old girl.
  • Republican anti-gay activist Earl "Butch" Kimmerling was sentenced to 40 years in prison for molesting an 8-year old girl after he attempted to stop a gay couple from adopting her.
  • Republican Party leader Paul Ingram pleaded guilty to six counts of raping his daughters and served 14 years in federal prison.
  • Republican election board official Kevin Coan was sentenced to two years probation for soliciting sex over the internet from a 14-year old girl.
  • Republican politician Andrew Buhr was charged with two counts of first degree sodomy with a 13-year old boy.
  • Republican legislator Keith Westmoreland was arrested on seven felony counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition to girls under the age of 16 (i.e. exposing himself to children).
  • Republican County Councilman Keola Childs pleaded guilty to molesting a male child.
  • Republican activist John Butler was charged with criminal sexual assault on a teenage girl.
  • Republican County Commissioner Merrill Robert Barter pleaded guilty to unlawful sexual contact and assault on a teenage boy.
  • Republican activist Parker J. Bena pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography on his home computer and was sentenced to 30 months in federal prison and fined $18,000.
  • Republican parole board officer and former Colorado state representative, Larry Jack Schwarz, was fired after child pornography was found in his possession.
  • Republican strategist and Citadel Military College graduate Robin Vanderwall was convicted in Virginia on five counts of soliciting sex from boys and girls over the internet.
  • Republican city councilman Mark Harris, who is described as a "good military man" and "church goer," was convicted of repeatedly having sex with an 11-year-old girl and sentenced to 12 years in prison.
  • Republican businessman Jon Grunseth withdrew his candidacy for Minnesota governor after allegations surfaced that he went swimming in the nude with four underage girls, including his daughter.
  • Republican campaign worker, police officer and self-proclaimed reverend Steve Aiken was convicted of having sex with two underage girls.
  • Republican director of the "Young Republican Federation" Nicholas Elizondo molested his 6-year old daughter and was sentenced to six years in prison.
  • Republican president of the New York City Housing Development Corp. Russell Harding pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer.
  • Republican benefactor of conservative Christian groups, Richard A. Dasen Sr., was found guilty of raping a 15-year old girl. Dasen, 62, who is married with grown children and several grandchildren, has allegedly told police that over the past decade he paid more than $1 million to have sex with a large number of young women.
  • Republican Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld authorized the rape of children in Iraqi prisons in order to humiliate their parents into providing information about the anti-American insurgency. See excerpt of one prisoner's report here and his full report here.

Saturday, September 1, 2007