Saturday, May 31, 2008

Jackson Publick Speaks on the Venture Brothers

Special Thanks to The Coach for Passing This Along.

Jackson Publick

Interviewed by Scott Gordon
May 30th, 2008

When The Venture Bros. premièred in 2004, creator Jackson Publick and partner Doc Hammer could have coasted along on their concept, which centered on adventure and supervillain archetypes slathered in compulsively nerdy dialogue. Instead, they built a rich, self-mocking universe around super-scientist Dr. Rusty Venture, his twin sons Hank and Dean, and their butterfly-costumed nemesis the Monarch. It's easy to make asses out of characters like this, especially in front of Adult Swim fans who grew up on Space Ghost Coast To Coast, Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law, and Sealab 2021. The difference is that Publick and Hammer work their plot tangents into a larger story, all while testing the tempers, moral flexibility, and bantering talents of venal heroes and bureaucratically regulated villains. The show's third season throws further shocks into the story. Before Sunday night's première on Adult Swim, Publick spoke with The A.V. Club about story arcs and speed suits.

The A.V. Club: Judging from the first two episodes of the new season, you've got some pretty big shifts planned in the larger plotlines. How far in advance do you decide where it's going?

Jackson Publick: We often start a season with a few goals. We don't have an overall plan, but usually some character's plotline is kind of demanding an arc. Season one, it was Dr. Venture. Season two, it was the Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend breaking up and getting back together. So it's just kind of a general arc, and a kind of shortlist of things we want to accomplish before the end of the season. We seed those things as consciously as we can.

Doc and I are writing separately, often, and turning in our scripts in a row, so one of us will see what the other one did in the other episode and throw that little plot or backstory element a bone. It kind of organically builds on itself, and in the end, it looks a little more like we know what we're doing than we actually do. But we do kinda know what we're doing. [Laughs.]

AVC: Pretty much all the characters in the show are subject to mockery, but you seem to see some value in spending a lot of time with them over the course of a larger plot.

JP: I think it's more fun to grow to love characters who are flawed than it is to present perfect characters. Perfect characters aren't very funny. Certainly my friends are a strange, intense bunch of people, and people's families drive them crazy, but challenging relationships are always more rewarding. It was always our goal to have Dr. Venture be kind of the central character and be kind of an asshole, but somebody that you eventually grow to love. He's a mouthpiece for your snottiest, innermost thoughts, and he can also be a target for cathartic release when he's being too much of an asshole.

AVC: Do you feel that some of the characters are more respectable than others?

JP: Uh, yes. Sure. Certain characters follow a personal code a little more than others. I think Dr. Orpheus is a genuinely decent person, but he's kind of a nerd. He's the one who gets all excited about these things and wants to do good, and he's surrounded by people who make fun of him for it. Brock Samson, yes, he'll kill anybody and he'll screw anybody, but he is clearly living his life by a certain code, and is a little above a lot of the nonsense around him. And he just kind of doesn't take any shit. The boys are good. Hank's a little not as good as Dean, but Hank's also a little crazier, so he'll probably turn out okay. The Monarch is actually a terrible person, but you grow to love him because he's ultimately fragile and flawed, and you feel sorry for him and you can relate to him. He's the guy who explodes at you and then says he's sorry, or he's forced to.

AVC: It feels like the show gives viewers a lot of freedom to choose who they respect or sympathize with.

JP: Right, right. [Laughs.] It's a little bit of a pop-cultural, generational thing, too. My generation has a hard time being genuine and enthusiastic. There's a lot of irony in our culture. In a way, some of it's toying with that kind of aspect of the culture. The characters who are genuine and get a little too excited about something geeky are made to feel foolish for it, but they're also seen in a better light than some of the characters who think they're too cool for everybody. For us making the show, there's that push and pull, too, because we're goofing on Johnny Quest and Marvel Comics and bands and stuff like that in the dialogue, but there's a genuine love for most of these things that comes out of us. We don't make fun of anything we don't love, for the most part.

AVC: Do you think people pick up on the affectionate side of the mockery?

JP: I think our fans are pretty attuned to it, actually. Our characters were part of the world that we were, and they love and remember and hate the same things that we did, and it's affected their lives. That's why it kills me when we get legal notes about some of this stuff, because you're just like, "I don't understand why I can't use that, or talk about that, or reference it. I was bombarded with this on television when I was 6. Somebody spent a lot of money making sure that I would never forget this, and now when I act like it's a household word, I'm not allowed to use it." There's your irony!

AVC: Do you see a lot of these characters as static?

JP: The ones who are static tend not to stick around too much, or we lose interest in writing them. The boys have probably evolved the most. I think Brock's evolved a lot. I think in the next season we're planning, we want to start moving people ahead more consciously, letting them develop a little. They're gonna keep their personalities, but we have had time pass, and we have had people kind of respond to past events. We've probably spent more of our time, up to this point, showing their past and what got them to this point. Probably we'll start trying to let them live in the present a little more, and develop.

AVC: There's a lot of weird body imagery in the show, especially where Dr. Venture is concerned. In the new season, he confronts his father's penis, which then turns into Dr. Henry Killinger. What draws you to that?

JP: I wouldn't go so far as to say I psychoanalyze myself, but I do try to find the potential theme in that, and explore it. The weird body stuff does seem to gravitate toward him more than anybody else, I think because he's such an ugly character, and because he seems to have body issues anyway. He's a relatively skinny guy who pops diet pills, and he lost his hair and everything. He's just a vessel for the things you fear most about aging and about being a man and whether you're ugly. It all comes squirming out of him at some point.

AVC: Is that why he gets Dean fitted for a speed suit and tries to shape his kids in his own image?

JP: That's a character-development ball that we've kind of dropped a little. We'll have to get more overt about that in season four, I think. There's always been the suggestion that Doc really doesn't like Hank as much as he likes Dean. Maybe just because Dean's the skinnier one with the same color hair, he's gonna push one of them into following in his footsteps, because he doesn't know any better. It's gonna be Dean, because Dean is smarter and Hank is out of his mind. I'm glad you like that scene. Nobody else has ever really cared about [the speed-suit scene], and we love that. We also just love repeating the words "speed suit."

AVC: Have you ever invented a character that you had to scrap?

JP: Sure, yeah. There's a few lying around in my notebook that are in the "I gotta use this guy someday" folder, but you try to pursue them and you can't quite find the angle on it. There's probably been a couple that have appeared on the show that you just lose interest in after a while.

AVC: Do you find it daunting to have the freedom to take so many tangents?

JP: The only daunting thing is trying to stay interesting and interested and excited about things. At this point, we have enough characters and we know so much about them that we could just have any four of them sit in a room and entertain you for a half an hour. If anything, sometimes maybe we overestimate how entertaining it will be to see something happen to a particular character.

Probably about three-quarters into any season, I start feeling like maybe we're getting a little too heavy, or we're getting a little too into our own mythos, or whatever. Fortunately, that's right around when we kind of run out of episode ideas that we had at the beginning of the season, and are sort of challenged to come up with one in, like, a week. Doc and I call it "wishlisting." We'll get on IM or whatever and we'll just shoot back single-sentence ideas for the worst possible, craziest thing that we could stick in an episode, and one or two of them will start sticking, and then you'll go, "Oh yeah. That's supposed to be the fun of this. Coming up with crazy shit and finding a way to make it work."

AVC: Do you have a favorite character to voice?

JP: Probably the Monarch, because I just get to scream. I get a headache after, because I'm kind of screaming through my nasal passages the whole time, and I'm a smoker, so they're already blocked up. And I sweat, because I'm jumping around like an idiot.

AVC: You've said the new season might alienate new viewers altogether. Why is that?

JP: We don't do a whole lot of re-introducing anybody. We are trading on your knowledge of the characters. If you watched the first four episodes of this season, you would kind of not know what the show's about on a regular basis. For the most part, even the most basic standalone ones are somehow steeped in history or relationships or whatever.

AVC: There's a scene in that episode where Dr. Venture's desperately pulling out cute inventions to try and impress a client. Do you ever have moments like that in the creative process?

JP: Totally, yeah. Every episode, yes. I mean, if you're following a story that's funny, you gotta fill in every page of the script still. You still gotta cover every second of animation, and sometimes a scene's just not working, and you're looking for the funny line that will pull it together. Or you realize you've written a scene that's all about plot or something: "What is the most screwed-up angle I could take on this?" If you need a lawyer, stick a tinier lawyer out of his stomach. I'm sure that character started as just a classic Southern lawyer, and then we're like, "How do we push this into super-science crazy-land?"

Friday, May 30, 2008


Just peeped the new premier for season three. Check it out at Adult

Pimp This!

R.I.P -- Harvey Korman

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Coach and Naked Bob Will Be Pleased

Pogues to Release a 5 CD Box Set of unreleased originals and rarities. After getting through all five disks, you may not have any teeth and bear a striking resemblance to Shane himself.

The Pogues release box set

Fred Astaire -- The Original "Smooth Criminal"

We Totally Need to Rock for Summer

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Save Your Money, Denise. Father's Day is Coming

Let's sell some cylons!

They have a plan: NBC is selling life-size replicas of the cylon centurion robots from "Battlestar Galactica" for a mere $7,900 each. There's both Ron Moore-era CGI-style cylons and Lorne Greene-era man-in-suit versions. Sound effects and menacing red swivel lights? Of course!

Now if only they could somehow be programmed to watch "ER"...

Here's the press release and photo:

Cylon_2 BURBANK, CA - May 28, 2008 - Universal Pictures Digital Platforms Group today announced that "Battlestar Galactica's" infamous Cylon Centurion Robots have arrived... as full-size masterpiece replicas from Fred Barton Productions. The announcement was made by Bill Kispert, Vice President and General Manager, Universal Pictures Digital Platforms Group. This high-end replica was created by Fred Barton Productions through a licensing agreement with Universal Pictures Digital Platforms Group.

These amazing reproductions stand seven feet tall, feature advanced electronics and the trademark sinister red LED scanning eye movements that fans of the series have come to know. There are two life-size versions of the Cylon Centurions available for purchase, one is from the original classic series and the other is from the current Emmy Award-winning "Battlestar Galactica" series, which airs on SCI FI Channel (Fridays 10-11 p.m. ET/PT). Both are made in the USA and retail for $7,900.00. They are now available at specialty retailers and online through and

"'Battlestar Galactica' is one of the most exciting and visually intense series on television, with the Cylons being one of its most intriguing character sets," said Kispert. "We are pleased to partner with Fred Barton Productions to create this museum-quality replica. Barton is a master craftsman, and his attention to detail on this project authentically captures the essence of one of the show's signature characters."

"I have always wanted to make the Battlestar Galactica robots," said Fred Barton, "so I was delighted when NBC Universal approached me about bringing the Cylons to life. I loved having the chance to create the re-imagined Cylon, based only on a computer generated design and I know that fans of the show will be as impressed as I am with how these Cylons appear in person."

The Cylon Centurion replicas were both molded and hand-sculpted to perfection in Barton's Los Angeles studios using an original costume from the 1970s and a computer generated, automated foam-cut Cylon, which was scaled to the imposing height of seven feet. The body is made of 100% fiberglass. The classic Cylon Centurion boasts a "reflective showroom finish," while the Cylon from the current series bears a "distressed multi-tone finish." Both incorporate synchronized stereo sound and lighting effects, advanced electronics and red LED light effects.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Behold My Poll!

My loyal readers have spoken and you all demanded MORE COWBELL from your humble music player. Well, your wish is my command.

And a Brand New Poll can be found at the bottom of this page!

Volunteering at the Special Olympics

Terry Tate -- Office Linebacker: Sensitivity Training

Saturday, May 24, 2008

While It's Not Unusual for Florida to Offend Me, It is Hard for Florida to Sicken Me....Like This Story Does

— Melissa Barton said she is considering legal action after her son's kindergarten teacher led his classmates to vote him out of class.

After each classmate was allowed to say what they didn't like about Barton's 5-year-old son, Alex, his Morningside Elementary teacher Wendy Portillo said they were going to take a vote, Barton said.

By a 14 to 2 margin, the students voted Alex — who is in the process of being diagnosed with autism — out of the class.

Melissa Barton filed a complaint with Morningside's school resource officer, who investigated the matter, Port St. Lucie Department spokeswoman Michelle Steele said. But the state attorney's office concluded the matter did not meet the criteria for emotional child abuse, so no criminal charges will be filed, Steele said.

Port St. Lucie Police no longer are investigating, but police officials are documenting the complaint, she said.

Steele said the teacher confirmed the incident took place.

Portillo could not be reached for comment Friday.

Steele said the boy had been sent to the principal's office because of disciplinary issues. When he returned, Portillo made him go to the front of the room as a form of punishment, she said.

Barton said her son is in the process of being diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, a type of high-functioning autism. Alex began the testing process in February at the suggestion of Morningside Principal Marcia Cully.

Children diagnosed with Asperger's often exhibit social isolation and eccentric behavior..

Alex has had disciplinary issues because of his disability, Barton said. After the family moved into the area and Alex and his sibling arrived at the school in January, Alex spent much of the time in the principal's office, she said.

He also had problems at his last school, but he did not have issues during his two years of preschool, Barton said.

School and district officials have met with Barton and her son to create an individual education plan to address his difficulties, she said. Portillo attended these meetings, Barton said.

Barton said after the vote, Portillo asked Alex how he felt.

"He said, 'I feel sad,' " Barton said.

Alex left the classroom and spent the rest of the day in the nurse's office, she said.

Barton said when she came to pick up her son at the school Wednesday, he was leaving the nurse's office.

"He was shaken up," she said.

Barton said the nurse told her to talk with Portillo, who told her what happened.

Alex hasn't been back to school since then, and Barton said he won't be returning. He starts screaming when she brings him with her to drop off his sibling at school.

Thursday night, his mother heard him saying "I'm not special" over and over.

Barton said Alex is reliving the incident.

The other students said he was "disgusting" and "annoying," Barton said.

"He was incredibly upset," Barton said. "The only friend he has ever made in his life was forced to do this."

St. Lucie School's spokeswoman Janice Karst said the district is investigating the incident, but could not make any further comment.

Vern Melvin, Department of Children and Families circuit administrator, confirmed the agency is investigating an allegation of abuse at Morningside but said he could not elaborate.

A Pig's Tale: Roger Waters Traces the History of Rock's Most Famous Prop

In Issue 1053, Rolling Stone tracks the story of perhaps the most famous prop in the history of rock & roll: Pink Floyd's inflatable pig. From the hog's humble beginnings on the cover of Floyd's 1977 album Animals to its recent unpiloted escape from Coachella, the creature has become a pop-culture icon (it even merited a reference on an episode of The Simpsons). The man who dreamed up the floating swine, Roger Waters, shared the tale behind the pig, from its origins in the late Seventies to its future plans.

Read the Full Article Here

Friday, May 23, 2008

Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: The Global Reach of One Vagina

Paris Hilton to John Holmes

So the chain of boning goes ...

From Paris Hilton to Tom Sizemore
She denies even knowing him, but Tom Sizemore claims in his homemade sex tape, Tom Sizemore's Sex Scandal, that a teenage Hilton seduced him in his home gym after a party. There's a photo of the two getting close at the party in question, and she does like guys who make homemade sex tapes.

From Tom Sizemore to Heidi Fleiss
Sizemore was also engaged to infamous Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss. He also liked to smack her around, leading to a 2003 jail sentence for assault and battery. Tom Sizemore's Sex Scandal also reveals that he has her name tattooed in inch-high letters above his genitals. If you ever run into Tom, it's probably best to just take his word on this.

From Heidi Fleiss to Charlie Sheen
Speaking of people who nailed the Estevez/Sheen clan, Fleiss' most prominent client was bad-boy actor Charlie Sheen, who testified in her tax-evasion trial that he spent $50,000 on the services of 27 of her escorts. Did he sleep with the madam herself? She still holds such a degree of ill will toward him that it's almost impossible not to think he literally screwed her over.

It hardly matters--it's trivial to link Sheen back to Hilton (through Robin Wright Penn and Colin Farrell is just one way) so let's just move on.

From Charlie Sheen to Ginger Lynn
Not only did Charlie Sheen hook up with '80s porn star Ginger Lynn, but he managed to hold down a relationship with her from 1990 to 1992. They also did a stint in drug rehab together, which, for Charlie, means real commitment.

Charlie and his dad, Martin, even wrote letters to the court in support of Lynn during her 1991 tax fraud trial, though this didn't stop her from spending four months in jail, most of which we can safely assume featured a lot of showering, cat-fighting and situational lesbianism.

From Ginger Lynn to John Holmes
Ginger Lynn had a sex scene with Holmes early in her career, in the film The Grafenberg Spot. The real-life inspiration behind Dirk Diggler, Holmes claimed 20,000 partners in his lifetime. But while he may have had Wilt Chamberlain's numbers, he had Magic Johnson's luck--he died of complications from AIDS in 1988, at 43.

Actually, it seems kind of obvious now that we point it out. Let's up the degree of difficulty a notch.

How about a member of the royal family from the notoriously sexless United Kingdom?

Paris Hilton to Prince Charles

Paris Hilton to Colin Farrell
It was bound to happen: First, Paris Hilton and Colin Farrell bumped into each other while he was promoting Alexander and she was being filmed for Barbara Walters' TV show The Ten Most Fascinating People of 2004, and then they bumped uglies. Farrell being perhaps the preeminent man-whore of his day, the hookup was inevitable. Also, 2004 must have been a pretty dry year for fascinating people.

Colin Farrell to Elle MacPherson
Only a month before Elle MacPherson dumped Swiss financier Arpad Busson, she was spotted on a beach in the Bahamas with Farrell. Shortly thereafter, she went on a romantic dinner date with Al Pacino. She denies anything happened with Farrell, but if you were hanging around one of the greatest actors of his generation, you wouldn't own up to having anything to do with a scrub like Farrell either.

Elle MacPherson to Bryan Adams
The best move Bryan Adams ever made was to put down his old six-string and pick up a camera. That's because his hobby put him in the prime position to romance MacPherson, who's got a taste for photographers, having been married to French fashion photographer Gilles Bensimon in the mid-'80s. (It's also because his music started to suck.)

Bryan Adams to Princess Diana
Had the pockmarked pop star been any other musician in this article, his biggest hit might as well have been titled "(Everyone I Do), I Do It For You." But Adams went for quality over quantity. Adams laid his groundwork by cutting a b-side named after Princess Diana in 1985, then bode his time for 11 years, finally making his move after her divorce.

It's comforting to think that at least one photographer brought a few moments of pleasure to the late princess's life before his paparazzi brethren hounded her to her death.

Princess Diana to Prince Charles
Well, no mystery about whether these two hooked up, since their marriage was watched by 750 million people worldwide and produced two handsome princes. It's not even a mystery that the jug-eared royal scion would cheat on the beautiful princess with Camilla Parker Bowles, whose looks can be charitably described as "dowdy." The heart wants what it wants, after all. No, the real mystery is what Prince Charles thinks of Hilton's galling pronouncement, "I think every decade has an iconic blonde--like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana--and right now, I'm that icon."

Happy now? Now you know Prince Charles is just five sexual partners away from having the same sexually transmitted diseases as Paris Hilton.

Seriously, we can do it with anybody. Pick anyone, the most outrageous, remote possibility.

Osama Bin Laden, you say?

Paris Hilton to Osama Bin Laden

From Paris Hilton to Lindsay Lohan
Hilton and Lindsay Lohan notoriously feuded after a heated nightclub argument. The tiff gave the world the word "firecrotch," coined in a verbally explicit video by Hilton's pal, oil heir Brandon Davis, who also made the improbable claim that Lohan's clitoris is seven-feet long. Judging by the widely available upskirt photos, it's not.

But her fellow vagina-flasher Hilton should know for sure: The publicist who claims Hilton had a Sapphic fling with Britney Spears says she walked Lohan's well trodden red carpet as well.

From Lindsay Lohan to Jude Law
One video reveals Lohan taking time between lines of cocaine to brag of her plans to fly to New York to have sex with Law, and widespread media reports of them together suggest that she made good on her boast.

From Jude Law to Cameron Diaz
Law and a recently single Cameron Diaz bonded while making The Holiday in 2006, resulting in the two enjoying a week-long series of dinner dates the following year, and then a vacation to Hawaii. Though they denied reports of a relationship, eyewitnesses report the two nuzzling and Diaz kissing Law's neck.

"Jude is charismatic, fun, open and charming," Diaz told the press. "It is very easy to fall in love with him." How couldn't you love every little hair left in his head? It's certainly easier than enduring his wooden acting.

From Cameron Diaz to Djimon Hounsou
In 2007, Diaz showed that diamonds are a girl's best friend by hooking up with Blood Diamond star Djimon Hounsou on the dance floor of an LA club. "They were dancing really close, bodies pressed together," a source told People. "They were totally vibing each other, lip-on-lip action."

According to the New York Post, the couple cozied up to each other at a table before leaving together in Diaz's black Prius, with her all smiles and him with his head down, hiding his face under his cap. We're assuming that "face" here is a polite replacement for "visible erection."

From Djimon Hounsou to Kola Boof
A woman claiming to be Hounsou's girlfriend says Sudanese author Kola Boof slapped, punched and threw her to the ground after she discovered Hounsou and Boof in a torrid embrace next to his bed. Ingrid Lessey told the Associated Press, "This woman is nuts! For the last eight months, she has called me a white bitch, thrown a Frisbee in the street and then locked me out of the gate of my own boyfriend's home when I went to get it, slapped me, thrown ice cubes at me and my sister, killed my goldfish, stolen jewelry that Djimon bought for me and refused to give it back, and she's just a total evil, vicious person. She's bonkers! She needs to be in a mental institution."

From Kola Boof to Osama Bin Laden
Speaking of totally evil, vicious people, Boof is also notable as the former mistress of terrorist Osama Bin Laden.

Morocco's Prince Fabrizio Ruspoli confirms that bin Laden imprisoned Boof as a sex slave at Ruspoli's estate for six months in 1996, where she says he raped her violently and repeatedly. Just in case you needed confirmation that he was a bad guy, this is about as bad as it could possibly get--almost.

Well, that just about does it. If that doesn't convince you that all of humanity is really a single organism connected by the common thread that is Paris Hilton's vagina, then nothing will.

Oh, all right. One more.

Paris Hilton to Adolf Hitler

From Paris Hilton to Robert Evans
Hilton is also rumored to have broken up the sixth marriage of septuagenarian Hollywood playboy Robert Evans, after wife Lesley Ann Warren grew jealous of his spending too much time with the socialite.

Hilton conspicuously shouted, "You're so sexy, Bobby!" and "Bob, you're so hot right now!" while Evans gave a speech at a party for Hilton's former fling, Brett Ratner. But frankly, this affair is hard to believe. What could an ambitious young starlet like Hilton possibly get out of sleeping with a famous old film producer?

From Robert Evans to Grace Kelly
And now we come to some hard choices. Truth be told, this article could have been populated wholly with names leading from the myriad paths stemming from Paris Hilton's unholy union with Evans, including such unlikely choices as Dracula actor Bela Lugosi and playwright George Bernard Shaw. But then it would have been an article about Robert Evans' legendary skankiness, not Paris Hilton's. And so we must choose one path to follow. Here we go.

From Grace Kelly to John F. Kennedy
Before marrying Prince Rainier of Monaco, Grace Kelly enjoyed what Dennis McDougal's The Last Mogul calls "a distinguished history of Hollywood promiscuity," with collaborators including Evans, Bing Crosby, David Niven and the Shah of Iran.

Another notable tryst took place in the early '50s with randy future president John F. Kennedy, who was then using Hollywood as his personal playground. (Incidentally, JFK Jr. links to both Madonna and Princess Di--a chip off the old block.)

From John F. Kennedy to Inga Arvad
Of course, from JFK, one can easily link to Jacqueline Kennedy, and then to Greek shipping magnate Aristotle Onassis, the predecessor of Hilton's former beaus Paris Latsis and Stavros Niarchos III. Or one could link to Marilyn Monroe, whom Hilton considers her own predecessor. And from there, one could link to slugger Joe DiMaggio, playwright Arthur Miller, and JFK's brother Robert F. Kennedy.

But instead, let's link to Inga Arvad, a Danish journalist whom JFK dated as a young naval officer from 1941 to 1942.

From Inga Arvad to Adolf Hitler
Inga Arvad is also known for having one of the best seats in the house when Jesse Owens shattered the idea of Aryan racial superiority by winning four gold medals at the 1936 Summer Olympic Games in Berlin, as she was there as Adolf Hitler's companion.

Hitler said she was the perfect example of Nordic beauty. In return, she said, "You immediately like him. He seems lonely. The eyes, showing a kind heart, stare right at you. They sparkle with force." She later claimed that nothing happened between them, but so would you.

credit: Peter Lynne and

Thursday, May 22, 2008

What's Coming Up For Marvel Films

Marvel is king right now. They took one of their second tier characters and turned him into the surprise hit of the summer. They have The Incredible Hulk coming next month, attempting to bring that franchise back from a dead spot. And they've announced an ambitious slate of films for the next few years, all leading up to The Avengers. They're not fucking around here.

When you get a bunch of internet journalists in a room with Kevin Feige, the head of Marvel Studios, as happened today while we visited the Universal lot to see some Hulk footage, talk will eventually turn to the other Marvel films. Here's a rundown on what Feige had to say:

On Future Crossovers

The sky's the limit right now. It's us being very cautious and careful about how we do these crossovers so that we don't collapse under our own weight - as even every 12 or 15 years the comics do; they revamp and do new number ones and get back to what the characters were all about. I don't want [the movies] to forget what the characters are all about and, knock on wood, the interconnectivity will be that extra bit of fun for comic fans. And I think that everybody that stayed in their seats to watch the Nick Fury scene at the end of Iron Man are, whether they read comic books or not, fans of the bigger Marvel continuity.

On Getting Spider-Man or The X-Men Into Crossovers

Never say never. Who knows. When I was a kid I remember seeing Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny parachuting together in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. The truth is that we're not even considering or thinking about it right now because we've got three to five years of I hope great movies with the characters that we do control, all leading up to The Avengers. We have that core Avengers group, but what happens after that...

I was on the phone with Marvel Studios right after their big announcement a couple of weeks back, and while nobody would tell me the terms of their deals with Sony and Fox, the gist seems to be that as long as the characters are being used, they will not revert back to Marvel Studios. Unless Fox and Sony feel like having some fun, I wouldn't expect to see Spidey or any mutants showing up anytime soon in a Marvel crossover.

On Captain America

First of all, Feige confirmed that the Matthew McConaughey as Cap story was bullshit, as is just about every 'scoop' that comes out of Cinemablend. He also confirmed that the film will be a period piece, set in World War II. He also sadly confirmed that the title is The First Avenger: Captain America and not Captain America: The First Avenger. Boo.

With The First Avenger hitting six weeks before The Avengers, it's sort of obvious that the film will end with Cap frozen somehow, to be awoken in the second film. But I wondered if that meant audiences would need to see The First Avenger to get on The Avengers train. Feige gave the answer comic book guys always give when talking about companywide crossovers:

Each of them have to stand on their own. You won't have to have seen any of the films to understand The Avengers... but it will help.

On The Avengers

Speaking of The Avengers... we know Thor, Cap and Iron Man are in. What about the Hulk? He's been an integral part of the team's history in the Marvel and Ultimate universes.

This is three years down the line, so it's a long way down the road. But surely the Hulk is one of the core members.

As for how The Avengers coming down the pike would affect other Marvel movies, in terms of constraints:

If Louis had come in and said, 'I really want to kill the Hulk'... if someone came in and said, 'Wouldn't it be great to kill Captain America now?,' we probably wouldn't let them. But other than that, it's all about the movies themselves. I don't want to say, 'You can't do this because we want to do that...' because we'll be twisting and turning and have a big mess on our hands. The Thor film is 100% about Thor and is focused on the best way to introduce Thor to the biggest audience. Same thing with The First Avenger. Same thing with this film, with the next Iron Man film.

On Thor

When asked if Thor was a hard concept to pull off in the real world, Feige said:

It's not the real world. The film is not all Asgard, but it's a big chunk.

There is no director or actor attached (look for a director announcement by the end of the summer), he says, but the script continues:

I'm actually getting a new draft in a couple of weeks, but it's the same screenwriter, Mark Protosevitch, who is continuing with some very good input that Matthew [Vaughn] gave us.

On Iron Man 2

Recently Jon Favreau said that he hasn't been signed on to Iron Man 2.

Like most directors, they sign on for one picture. Like Sam Raimi, like Bryan Singer -

Letterier: So they can fire our ass!

It's a rarity to have a multi-picture deal with filmmakers. That said, of course negotiations have started.

What will happen in Iron Man 2? Feige won't say, but he did say that the question will be who is pulling the strings behind Stark Industries and who is pulling the strings behind the Ten Rings. That seems to point directly at The Mandarin.

Come back next week for more on The Incredible Hulk, including what Feige has to say about the possible villain in Hulk 2, and some of the easter egg characters I saw in just three minutes of footage.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Anatomy of a Rant (commentary in superhero red)

So some of you have read my Cybernations entry. Some of you got it. Some didn't. It was to be expected. If you're not a CN (cybernations) guy, you'll likely think I am talking in code.

That notwithstanding, Skippy, whom I have known for 13 long-ass and disturbing years, has been the natural target for some brutal but still good natured ribbing. And Skippy, to his credit, takes it like a pro. But should anyone screw with Skippy, they usually feel, our wrath. And Skippy, who is always a seething cauldron of serial arson, public intoxication, and horse steroid fueled angst, is always trying his best to keep a level head and react with the rare but brutal jab of his own. But then every once in a while, Skippy goes all stinkfist on these poor bastards.


I am DickSkippy, ruler of ONLY one Nation, Outer Ring Doomtopia! Where do you get off banning everyone with the name "DOOM" in it thinking it is the same person???? I would like reinstated and an apology and some $#$% aid immediately cause some jerkoff(CHALKY) dropped the ball and does not know and his ass from a hole in the ground and because of him, i am getting killed!! Get it together Sparta, or things are going to go bad for you. This is very bad PR, and word is spreading......

Learn to investigate next time, Chalky. That is the basis for INTERNAL AFFAIRS, dumbass.

Translation: I am one guy who rules one nation on CN. Not one guy ruling three. Who the fuck do you think you are banning me of all people just because I have DOOM in my name. You assholes had better unban me from your group, apologize by puckering up to my hairy ass, and send my nation some money and weapons because I am getting my ass kicked in four wars and you are supposed to be helping me. It's not my fault that some assclown whose CN name in Chalky banned me without actually taking the time to investigate. You better get it together or Maynard is going to blog about it and make you guys all look like assholes.

(This is akin to Skippy...
1) opening a can of gasoline
2) pouring it all over the place while stunned allies look on
3) pissing on it for effect)


With posts like this, it makes me very sad that we won't have you as a member. There's nothing I want more in Sparta than a hot temper and personal insults.

Translation: You're a poo-poo head. I am going to talk all adult and stuff to make you sound dumb. But look how I also insult you by making it look like I'm not insulting you. And check out my hair.


Are you replying for all of Sparta or just you?? That is what happened last time, lack of communication. I want to hear from Bush_84 himself on this matter. That is all, you are dismissed, Trinite.

Translation: Who the fuck are you to talk to me about this? Do you matter to anyone but yourself? I want to hear results from the boss, not some rock banging underling like you. I say good day.

(Skippy pees on him a little)


gov may have handled this better but now you are doing just as bad of a job. It has been our policy for a long time to ban people suspected of multis as we post it to the CN mods for review. If you are cleared by the CN mods you'll be let back in. I apologize if you all are truly innocent but we've had multis before and most multis are very active so we do not take chances.

The only thing that might change due to this incident is receiving a PM as you are banned explaining the situation and why it happened. I'm not sure if that was done in this case or not.

Either way you're pissing on your chance to get back in if that even is your intention from these posts. And those wars are your own damn fault. If you had a level head and had waited a day or two this situation would have resolved itself quickly and painlessly. Instead you decided to mouth off and attack random people.

If you really do want to get back in I suggest you peace out on your wars, change your attitude, and sit tight and wait for the CN mods decision. If you still have a nation you'll be let back in.

Translation: Ok, maybe we are at fault a little bit but it is policy and stuff. But you better simmer down and stuff because we may take our ball and go home without you. And the wars you are fighting are your own fault (Not entirely true). Maybe if you were rational and not some furry little lunatic bent on making us all look the morons we are, this would be better for you (definitely us). We'll let you back in if you end your wars, shut up, be a good little boy, and wait for the grown ups to talk.


OMG! That was so nice of you to post that! I love that it was oozing with sarcasm you douchenozzle! Go play with chalky. As i said you are dismissed. I want to here from someone that actually matters in this messed up government, not a pee-on-wanna-be Chalky fan like yourself. Get a clue and spell your name correctly. Good bye now.

Translation: Not Necessary

(This is akin to:
1) Skippy pulling out his weiner and slapping this poor bastard on the forehead with it
2) Lighting the match and burning every bridge into and out of Sparta
Needless to say, Skippy is on fire. And what the fuck kind of name is WandMDave anyway?)


fuck it. I'm someone who matters and unless Bush or Tulak really want you back in you're done regardless of the mods decision. Your only chance is to change your attitude and apologize to both Trin and Chalky immediately. They are both good people and I'm sure they'll extend you the same courtesy.

Translation: I matter. I totally matter. I am a somebody. Look at how much of a somebody I am. You better start making with the sorry's or we'll get you. And say your sorry to Trin and Chalky (who really is a doucheburger). Yeah. And we'll apologize back because we are so cool

(This is akin to saying take your balls out of my face Skippy. Look how important I am)


I wanna find the manual on how to be just like Dick(Skippy). I know there's gotta be one somewhere....

To think, if we were all like you Dick(Skippy). To think how far Sparta would go with your superior communication skills and level headed negotiation abilities. Man, I hope we have 1000 Dicks(Skippy's) in Sparta soon!!! I cannot wait :)

Translation: You suck so much that I am going to use badly written sarcasm to show you how bad you are. And the smiley face is to let you know I may be into light bondage.

(Wow. A 1000 Skippy's.....That's downright frightening. But, since Skippy nethandle here is DickSkippy and Smitty obviously loves seems obvios that this man is just begging to be the skewer in a penis smorgasborg)


please dont fuel the fire Smitty, same with you Trin. This has gone too far already.

Translation: Jesus Christ, shut up Smitty. Can't you see we're dealing with a total loon? God knows what he might set on fire next.


Dickslappy please follow Smitty's example. You arent doing yourself any favors, and since wemedge, blackrain, and doom ryu will probably be following you even if the CN mods side in their favor, you are doing them a disservice as well.

You all have every right to be angry but you need to calm down so this can be resolved. I would like to see you all proven innocent and let back in.

Translation: Look at my clever name calling I just said we shouldn't do ten minutes before. Skippy is digging his own grave and because we really don;t know how to handle any of this, we may kick all of you guys out, so there. But like calm down and stuff even though I just threatened to boot all of you guys out.


Find in favor of us? That is what you guys should have done BEFORE all of this! It would have taken a few minutes to figure out we all have different IP adresses. And we are in different cities!! don't take out on them because of what i say or do. Sparta should have investigated the right way and we would be fighting TOOL and other alliances instead of this clusterfuck you guys created. I think we(the DOOM nations) all deserve apologies and we can go on from there...

Translation: Do you even know what the fuck your doing? And didn't I just call you a nobody about 30 minutes ago? Even company computer guy Skippy could solve this issue by just doing a little IP work. Because you guys suck as investigators, I'm getting stinkfisted by TOOL. I demand some help and some THANK YOU's!

(This is akin to Skippy saying, Why don't you just admit you screwed up royally so we can all move on. Of course at the same time, Skippy has also thrown a couple of chairs onto the blaze)


Either way you way over reacted an must now apologize to Trin and Chalky before we even consider you getting back even if the CN mods clear you. You may feel free to do it via PM if you wish. I'm sure they will be understanding and, as I have said, I'm sure they'll extend you the same courtesy.

Translation: Even though we screwed this all up, we'll not take responsibility for it and you owe us an apology because we're douchebags.


apologize?? Where is mine?
Over react? Of course i over reacted, this is complete bullshit.

Translation: Where are my Thank You's! Overeacted? You've not seen overeacted yet you little bitches.

(At this point, Skippy drops his pants and takes a colossal "here's my apology" dump in the forums)

What will happen next? Will Skippy apologize? Will Sparta get it's collective head out of it's ass? And will I bore you with another post only two people can understand? Stay Tuned.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Skippy Grows a Pair Against Sparta

Post subject: BANNED!!!!???!! I DON"T THINK SO!!!

I am DickSkippy, ruler of ONLY one Nation, Outer Ring Doomtopia! Where do you get off banning everyone with the name "DOOM" in it thinking it is the same person???? I would like reinstated and an apology and some $#$% aid immediately cause some jerkoff(CHALKY) dropped the ball and does not know and his ass from a hole in the ground and because of him, i am getting killed!! Get it together Sparta, or things are going to go bad for you. This is very bad PR, and word is spreading......

Learn to investigate next time, Chalky. That is the basis for INTERNAL AFFAIRS, dumbass.

Well Now...

All is DOOM: How Doomtopia Brought Cybernations to a Screeching Halt

As some of my loyal readers know, I have been playing Cybernations for about a year and half. My nation, Doomtopia, was the pacesetter of the Legion of Doom. After some invites, I was able to get a whole horde of Dooms to join me.

* North Doomtopia (Scott)
* Doom Ryu (Joel)
* Outer Ring Doomtopia (Skippy)
* Doom-Mart (Andrew)
* DoomLordCypher (Some Guy)

Well, after many weeks of playing we all got invited to join the Order of the Sword (OTS). We all went but some didn't like it. In fact when it was all over, only myself and Cypher were still members.

About a month ago, the OTS became the Tenth Legion (Legio X). Two weeks into this my father passed and I was largely inactive and not aware of the shit storm of a war that was coming. I had heard grumblings but my head was not in the game so to speak. Anyway, the night of my dad's funeral I was attacked by three nations all of whom were considerably stronger than I. I bantered with them (well except Gribs who I am convinced now is a mute). But I bantered on, especially with Mike Malone of Malonia (who has become a cool cat to me).

Anyhow, I vent to Skippy about how I am getting my ass handed to me. I also complain to Scott as friendships, like blood, is thicker than water. Aha...but it turns out that this clusterfuck of a war sees their Alliance (Sparta) aligned against mine, The X. Scott has been hounding me to join Sparta for months but I stayed with OTS till now. But with my father passing, my heart was not into the war too much. I asked my commander, the excellent Lewenhaupt, for a leave from the X. I was going to get Naked Bob or Quatto to babysit my nation while I took some time away from the game. So I applied to Sparta. That's where it all went bad.

By this point I had made peace with Malonia but was still fighting Gribs and some other guy. Skippy sent me some aid and Joel asked that these nations leave me alone as I was a "recruit". Ah, but then Skippy, in a Quatto-worthy moment of ill-timed gallantry, decides to Spy on Gribs. Why? Not sure. Skippy is, as we all will agree, totally insane and does what the hell he wants to do.

Gribs finds this out. So Gribs either reports it to his superiors or takes note of this fact himself:

Both Nations are Doomtopias.


Someone from Gribs' alliance (ISSF I think) reports Skippy's spy attack to Sparta. The assclown from Sparta then puts Doom and Doom together and gets collusion. Now CN has a long and effective history of rooting out what are called multi's (players who have two or more nations which is banned in the game). So, without actually consulting with me or Scott or Skippy, Sparta, dumb as a bag of hammers, bans them. And....someone then reports this to CN Administrators so we all may get permanently deleted or banned from CN.

Now, you'd think that Sparta would actually, I don't know, investigate this first. I, thinking I was banned due to former ties to The X and trying to unload my nation, appeals my ban to which this rock breathing douche-nozzle called Chalky (cracker name) who says something to the tune of "You will never be a member of this alliance" blah blah. Rumor has it that Chalky and some goof named Wolverine (snicky snicky lame!) acted independently on all this, embarrassing the rest of Sparta on their own.

Terse and total douchebaggery.

So, now I am without a home and attacked by two more goons. Actually TOOLs (The Order of Light). One guys rationale is that he needs to make up some money or some shit because he got his ass handed to him by someone else. Then some other little turd TOOL joins in. So my nation is getting beaten to hell and once again I tell Scott and Skippy about the ban.

See, none of them knew they were banned yet.

So Skippy, in moment of ill timed gallantry #2, comes to fight the first TOOL thinking that not only am I a cool guy, but that I am or will soon be a fellow Spartan. But no one comes to help him. Now we start figuring out that they are banned too. Scott is in a rampage and is threatening everyone. People are pissed at ISSF because they think they were behind it. People are pissed at me because they now think that I am somehow smart enough to run three doomtopias at the same time (i'm not, hell I can't even balance my checkbook). People are pissed at Sparta because they didn't bother to actually investigate this. People are threating inter-alliance aggression. People are threating to leave. They just reacted. I can see why Scott joined them. Their government is as incompetent as the Republicans. So Scott is demanding apologies, I am apologizing to Malonia profusely, Skippy hates everybody, Sparta is without a clue as to what really went down, and everything has turned a deep shade of turd.

Ah, but then this TOOL guy DragonKnights starts a dialog with Skippy and tells him he attacked me for being LX and intimated that it was indeed he who brought the suspicions of beings Multi's to Sparta. So now, Scooby, the ISSF is in the clear and Gribs can go back to auctioneering.

But it gets better. Sparta still won't fix it's fuck up and now has rebanned scott and joel while I deal with my 8th attack in 8 days. My nation is getting pounded worse than Paris Hilton at a naval port. AND now the TOOL guys claim that the LX have a price on my head. Or so TOOL thinks.

Meanwhile, your hero is still saddled with his nation, Skippy is still fighting four guys and the pussies at Sparta aren't helping him, Scott is threatening some kind of godly armageddon to everyone responsible for his banning, Joel is silent but working behind the scenes.

All this over one application...

UPDATE (5-21)

So now there is a pissing contest between Sparta and TOOLs. Sparta claims that TOOL attacked me due to my former dealing with the X. TOOL says the X wants me ZI'd for desertion (which is odd considering I had permission to go). The culprit behind the multi's accusation still has yet to be definitively named. Sparta says it was TOOL and vice versa. Now I have to put out fires with TOOL, Sparta refuses to take any blame for this, and the X wants me dead (allegedly). I'll say this for the X, they may have had a rough start but they would never fuck anything up this badly. God damn, at this point I'll never be able to give this nation away.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

So a couple of my loyal readers have asked, "Maynard, besides being the coolest guy ever, where did you get that super cool playlist?"

Well, ask and you shall receive. <---- LINK

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Is This Man Going to Play THOR In The Upcoming Movie?

Aww Levity...How I Did Miss Thee

Comet the Super-Horse, from the Superman comics

Creepy Because: Bestiality.

Comet is Supergirl's pet horse. At first this sounds really cute, because girls love horses. Although, there is this book we once read in the Cracked offices called The Naked Ape that teaches us that girls like horses because riding them is the closest activity to non-threatening sex they can have. Not so cute anymore? Yeah, wait until you read how creepy it becomes with a stalker Super-Horse involved.

You see, according to the comic, Comet was once a centaur called Biron back in ancient Greece. He was turned into a full horse by a witch, though as a small consolation, he gained superpowers and kept his humongous horse penis.

Also, Comet periodically turns into a full human, at which point he does what any horse would do: Try to get laid with Supergirl before she can figure out he is really her horse.

You see, the horse is in love with the girl who, while he's in horse mode, dry humps his back as a means of transport. Comet never makes his feelings known and thus allows this arrangement to continue, much like those "nice guys" who orbit around a girl every day doing her favors, while complaining endlessly in their LiveJournals because the girl doesn't pay back their niceness with a blowjob.

That's right, Comet! The court's orders are meaningless!

And to make the whole thing even more unsettling, he is a super-horse, which zoologists tell us adds at least six inches in length and one in girth.

Ultimate Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch from The Ultimates

Creepy Because: Twincest.

The Ultimates is a modernized, alternate universe version of The Avengers where they finally figure out they are not really avenging anybody or anything in particular and that the name Defenders was already taken. Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch are the twin son and daughter of Magneto. Just by taking a second look at that picture up there, unless you are a relative of that banjo playing kid from Deliverance, you can start guessing what their problem is.

Yes, both kids have decided to keep it in the family, and when we mean "it" we mean Quicksilver's penis, and when we mean "the family" we mean "his sister's vagina." In the beginning of the series, the incest was subtly implied and kept as a joke of something that happened off panel and could easily be denied, until the third series came around and we got this.

Here we have The Wasp explaining the situation to Captain America. We know Captain America grew up in the '30s so we give him some leeway when he can't figure out how to work the TiVo, but we are quite sure incest existed back then, too. Why Wasp is explaining it like it's the most normal thing to do in the 21st century, however, makes us cast a suspicious glance at the dude who wrote it.

Can it get worse? You bet it can! Two issues later it's revealed that Quicksilver likes to sex up his own sister because she reminds him of his mother. At this rate, by issue 10 we'll learn he liked his mom because she reminded him of Comet the Super-Horse.

There has to come a time in your life--possibly in the middle of porking your twin sister while Wolverine watches from the bushes--where you just have to take a step back and wonder at what point you turned into goddamn Caligula.

Starfox from The Avengers

Creepy Because: He's a mind-raping douchebag.

See that man in the picture up there who looks like he's going for a lifetime achievement award for outstanding achievements in douchebaggery? That guy is Starfox.

Starfox's real name is Eros, which easily wins hands down the "creepiest name you can give your child" competition. Unless your son is the Greek god of sexual attraction, or he is in an incredibly sexy baby, he probably can't live up to that name. So he had some measure of creepiness right out of the gate. It only got worse.

This is totally in context

Eros' superpower, besides achieving a preternatural douchebag look that is envied by Lacoste-shirt-wearing, collar-popping frat boys all over the world, is the ability to stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain. Yes, his name is Eros, and he gives you pleasure. That's the kind of things you only read on a male prostitute's business card.

Even with that advantage over normal humans, we here at Cracked are having a hard time figuring out how you can use that to fight crime. Cracked's research team has been investigating around the clock, offering to stimulate the pleasure centers of every suspicious character they encounter. So far they have come up with more venereal diseases than answers.

And just because somebody is bound to mention this in the comments, yes Starfox was accused of being a date rapist, but at the end he was found not guilty. Hell, why does he need to rape when he can insert himself into your pleasure centers by remote control? Rape is on a level far below Starfox's mastery of cosmic creepiness.

Inner Child (Dorothy's Doll) from Doom Patrol

Creepy Because: Holy shit, get that thing away from us!

If the DC superhero teams were islands in the Pacific, the Justice League would be the Big Island of Hawaii, with its majestic beaches and luxurious resorts, while the Doom Patrol would be one of those islands with lepers. The Doom Patrol embrace all those superheroes who are too ugly to team up with anyone else.

We don't know how something that looks like Inner Child can exist in the same planet as Superman without Superman tossing him into the sun just on general principle. Anyway, he was found by Doom Patrol member Dorothy inside a Haunted House the team was using as headquarters at the time. We guess demoniacally-possessed property is very cheap in today's market. He befriended Dorothy who, as a very hairy 16-year-old girl with the face of a chimpanzee, could use all the friends she could find.

Wait, what the fuck is going on up there? Do you people remember that scene in The Shining where the ghost of a guy in a dog suit is giving a blow job to an old guy? Well, if Dog-suit-man ever walked into a room and found this scene, he'd go, "Hey, guys! What are you doing--SHIT! SHIT! OH MY GOD!" and then he'd run away to Amityville or some other haunted house where such things are frowned on.

Yes, it appears that two naked fat ghosts, one with a house plant tied to his face, want to "play" with Dorothy. We are not exactly sure what Dorothy would gain by following Inner Child's advice besides a sore ass and memories that will haunt her forever, but it looks like Inner Child wants to stay and watch.

Seriously, there aren't even words for all the fetishes at play here.

OK, how about we never find out what happened after that right there.

Proty from Legion of Superheroes

Creepy Because: He's a sentient spunk blob.

Proty is a small alien being that looks like something between a pile of dried-up bird crap and some form of gelatin made of semen. He was rescued by Chameleon Boy from a space zoo and quickly adopted as a pet. He carried him around everywhere on his shoulder like a parrot, except that parrots don't make you look like you have just been the star of a Japanese porn flick.

By his looks alone Proty, would normally deserve a spot in any list of creepy things, but like the rest of the characters in this list he had to make that extra effort and tapped some ass he shouldn't have tapped.

Again, like most of the guys in this list, Proty fell for blond jailbait, in his case the Legionnaire Saturn Girl (yes, all of the Legion of Superheroes had retarded names). Sadly for Proty, Saturn Girl was out of his league because of her higher status, and by that we mean that she had the status of "human being" and Proty was a talking lump of mashed potatoes.

But, one day fellow Legion member, Lighting Lad (yesh), got himself killed while saving the universe. Through an extremely convoluted set of circumstances we cannot begin to recount here, Proty resurrected Lightning Lad by transferring his own soul into his body.

The thing is, Proty never told anybody. He just walked around pretending to be Lightning Lad. And why not? He can now eat at the table and date Saturn Girl instead of just squishily humping her leg while she slept on the couch.

Years later they even married, had three kids, and lived happily ever after. Well, not really, because she didn't really marry the man she loved and never found out she had given birth to the children of a pile of sentient bird shit who used to live in a zoo.

Terry Long from Teen Titans

Creepy Because: Look at him.

Terry Long from Teen Titans is a cross between a member of the Bee Gees and a Dutch porn star. He is the fist of the '70s hitting you in the face forever. Why is this jackass in the comic? Easy, he became the steady boyfriend and later husband of Wonder Girl.

Wonder Girl, if you didn't know, grew up on an island full of Amazonian women where no man could visit. These are the only circumstances we can think of where a girl (and remember these are the "teen" Titans) could think this divorced ex-college professor was the man of her dreams. Most people who dream about Terry Long end up rocking in a fetal position on the floor of their bedrooms, holding a knife and downing pots of coffee in a quest to never sleep again.

Who is the greatest hero in the DC universe? Superman, you say? No, it's the anonymous blond man in the above picture who blocks the terrifying view of Terry Long's polka dotted banana hammock.

Terry Long stained every page of Teen Titans when he appeared with his downright palpable, reptilian sleaziness. When Terry wasn't trying to blend in with the Teen Titans like a creepy uninvited uncle, he was openly hitting on Wonder Girl's female teammates.

Several issues later, after Terry managed to brainwash Wonder Girl into marriage, our suspicions were proven true. A team of Teen Titans from the future went back in time to kill the son of Terry and Wonder Girl. Why? Because he was going to grow up into pure evil, that's why! If the superpowered Hitler from the future had to come from somewhere, Terry Long's haunted testicles were one of the more likely places.

Finally in 1997 Terry Long died in a car crash, leaving the universe a substantially less sleazy place.