Monday, February 25, 2008

Touche' Matt Damon


GOP fears charges of racism, sexism

By: David Paul Kuhn
Feb 24, 2008 10:58 PM EST

Composite image by
Republican strategists work on calibrating approach aimed at protecting the party against charges of being racist or sexist.
Photo: Composite image by

Top Republican strategists are working on plans to protect the GOP from charges of racism or sexism in the general election, as they prepare for a presidential campaign against the first ever African-American or female Democratic nominee.

The Republican National Committee has commissioned polling and focus groups to determine the boundaries of attacking a minority or female candidate, according to people involved. The secretive effort underscores the enormous risk senior GOP operatives see for a party often criticized for its insensitivity to minorities in campaigns dating back to the 1960s.

Maynard Says: This is awesome. The GOP is polling people to basically find out how often they can call a spade a it were.

Check out the full article HERE

Dusting Off The Old Poetry Book...

Sixteen years ago, with the help of my hetero-life mate Coach, the Prose, Poetry, and Acoustical Jam Night at Wayne College was born. Like some literary Frankenstien, it's been ugly, bloated, sinister, and reckless at times. However, it has also seen some decent acts over the years...some of which stick with me to this day (such as Coach's boy Bill Lally). This year's event is a little light on readers so your hero has agreed to read at this event...the first time is several years I have actually participated. Sara will be going with me so she can see her old man in all his litero-heroism. Wish me luck.

Who Knew That Skippy Had a Twin?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

The Precious Snowflakes That Are Daughters

After much study, I may have been able to translate this archaic piece of white trashery with the Roseghetto Stone. Like June Cleaver who spoke jive, I will try to speak and interpret this cryptic message.

"Hay, what up y'all. This here's your girl Lil' J and this lil girl right here...ain't scared uh nobody".

Hello everybody. This is your overly white friend tiny Jennifer, and this dwarfish young lady is here to tell you folks that my small stature and is not an indication of innate cowardice"

"So if ya got anaythang ta say ta me, you can sayit to my muthuhfarkin face or send me ah muthuhfuh...or hit me up on mah muthuhfarkin myspace"

If you feel the need to challenge this assertion, you may speak directly to me or send me a friendly (sic)... or look for me on my and leave me a message if you will.

"I ain't scared and this lil biatch right here will muthuhfarkin kill yo ass nig...guhh"

To review, I am small but brave and in fact may do you mortal injury not indicative of my challenged verticality or sinus infection, my afro-centric friend.

"So if you ave anaythang ta say you can say it"

"And if you wanna bump, let's go cause I ain't scared of yo muthuhfarkin ass,,,ight, biatch? Laytuh"

However, if you want to resort to fisticuffs (or a lesbian embrace...the diction is ambiguous here) you will find me an eager participant because I am mighty, allright neighbor? Good day.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Nirvana -- 2008 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Inductee

Nirvana will always have a special place in my heart. To me, this was my generation's Beatles. They totally rewrote the rules and standards of what rock and alternative music was and could be. Kurt Cobain was my generation's John Lennon and his death affected as many people as Lennon's did in the 1980's. It is especially poignant in that I actually got to see this band live a mere six months before his death. They were tight and put on a helluva show. That will be one memory I will always cherish.

I remember when "Smells Like Teen Spirit" first got airplay on MTV (you know, back when it WAS music television). I am proud to say that during that point in my life I really got into some acts way before the bandwagoners and hangers-on. When Alice in Chains had their first single "Man in the Box" , I bought the record before anyone else I knew. When Living Colour dropped "Cult of Personality", I bought that record before they hit the mainstream.

I did the same with Nirvana.

I must have played that CD till the metal began to peel. My fondest memory of that time was introducing Nirvana to my man The Coach one night. Three sheets to the wind but with the clarity of a Rhodes Scholar, Coach said to me, "Those are some great fucking lyrics". An albino...a libido. Fucking brilliant".

Truer words may have never been said.

Ever Wonder What the Cartoon Band Gorillaz is Like Live? Wait No More...

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Rob Zombie's New Animated Film

Check for El Superbeasto, a luchador wrestler who fights paranormal bad guys with his hot sidekick coming to theaters this year...I think.

Check out the official web site HERE

Landocalrissan Strikes Again

Chase ends in crash, arrest

A City of Poughkeepsie man was arrested Thursday after leading police on a high-speed chase through the city, which came to an end on the lawns of two Washington Street homes.

Officer Garth Mason was on Market Street at 6:37 p.m. when he saw a car, operated by Landocalrissan Butler, 27, of Winnikee Avenue, speeding and moving into the officer’s lane, almost striking his car, said Deputy Chief Tom Ghee.

Mason attempted to pull Butler’s vehicle over, Ghee said, but Butler allegedly did not comply and would not stop his vehicle.

Butler led Mason on a chase through several city streets, eventually ending up southbound on Washington Street, Ghee said.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Just Like Trained Monkeys

Bush Rallies Conservatives for Campaign

WASHINGTON (AP) — Without naming John McCain, President Bush marshaled the conservative wing of the Republican Party on Friday to back the presumed GOP presidential nominee for the upcoming battle against the Democratic Party.

"The stakes in November are high. This is an important election. Prosperity and peace are in the balance," Bush told about 2,000 people attending the Conservative Political Action Conference. "So with confidence in our vision and faith in our values, let us go forward, fight for victory and keep the White House in 2008."

Bush spoke to a boisterous crowd shortly after 7 a.m. EST. The ballroom erupted in cheers when someone shouted "Are there conservatives in the house?" When the president walked on stage, they clapped and chanted "Four more years! Four more years!"

Maynard Says:

Mike Judge's New Animated Series


If Mike Judge can't be a success on the big screen, he'll just go back to the small one and make a ton of money for whatever network is lucky enough to have him. And while King of the Hill enjoys its twelfth season on Fox, ABC will has wisely elected to hook up with Judge for a thirteen-episode order of his latest animated comedy, The Goode Family.

I'm wary of taking Variety's word on anything (they've apparently laid off their fact checkers), but I'm pretty sure they're correct in stating that The Goode Family will be ABC's first animated series since Kevin Smith's Clerks. Hopefully, they treat Judge's show better than they did Smith's. There isn't much out there in the way of details on Goode; all we know thus far is that the show centers on a family of do-gooders "that tries to do the right thing in all facets of life". Sounds like a scenario ripe for sociopolitical satire. And, if handled poorly by ABC, something that should be canceled within four episodes.

Judge is teaming with the ubiquitous Media Rights Capital (MRC) and two of his executive producers from King of the Hill, John Altschuler and Dave Krinsky. MRC signed one of those handy interim agreements with the WGA, so scripts for The Goode Family are already being written. The company is also prepping a half-hour sitcom for David Koechner, which makes me very happy (even though I just saw him completely wasted in yet another studio comedy this evening).

For Judge's sake, I hope The Goode Family is yet another small screen success. Anything that gets his confidence back up for another stab at the movie business. And if all else fails, he can always fall back on inducing farts out of Wee Man.

Happy 76th Birthday John Williams

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Honestly this might make me pass out

February 7, 2008 -- Scarlett Johansson has a steamy lesbian sex scene with Penelope Cruz in Woody Allen's upcoming "Vicky Cristina Barcelona." A source tells us: "It is also extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping." The women later have a threesome with Javier Bardem, who plays Cruz's husband. The film also stars Patricia Clarkson, Rebecca Hall, Kevin Dunn and Chris Messina.

Megaton Maynard says: This might actually be the first Woody Allen I'll ever watch.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

And there was much rejoicing -- New Mass Effect content coming for the Xbox 360

Beginning on 10th March, fans everywhere will be able to expand the "Mass Effect" experience with the release of the first ever downloadable content.

The "Bring Down the Sky" downloadable content pack will be released to Xbox LIVE Marketplace on Monday, 10th March at 10am, and will be available for 400 MS points. This is the first in a series of planned downloadable content that further expands the "Mass Effect" universe and continues the adventures of Commander Shepard and his crew of the Normandy.

"Bring Down the Sky" includes a new uncharted world that introduces the notorious and feared alien race of the Batarians. A Batarian extremist group has hijacked a mobile asteroid station in the Asgard system, setting it on a collision course with the nearby colony world of Terra Nova. Only Commander Shepard can save the millions of innocent civilians before the asteroid completes its deadly descent.

"Bring Down the Sky" contains approximately 90 minutes of heart-pounding action and a new Achievement worth 50 Gamerscore points.

Check out the Batarians below...

Second Best Star Wars Parody

One of the First and Arguably Best Star Wars Parodies Ever

Monday, February 4, 2008

Impractical Armor for Women Warriors

I have been a roleplaying geek for at least 20 years now. Through it all there has been one constant element true to all genres of gaming. All chicks are hot and wear scant little armor.

As a player and storyteller, I too have fallen into this adolescent trap. "As you finally enter the last chamber your enemy stands before with her boobs practically falling out of her armor...what do you do..."

Answer one: I attack the darkness

Answer Two: I cast "sleep with nerd" spell on her

Answer Three: I telekinetically squeeze her boobs

Answer Four: I kill the bitch

As roleplaying nerd-dom has now crossed from tabletop play to more mainstream media, I cannot help but notice the plethora of impractical chick armor-styles that I see. And it's not just fantasy roleplaying, it's video games, SCA, LARP, comic books, and catalogs now.

Take this fine example:

First, let me commend this young lass on her finely crafted LARP armor. I am especially a fan of the claws holding her I suppose. Sexy? Yes. Practical? Only in Fetish Dungeons and Dragons (which some fellow we all call "The Dude" likely plays). First off, she has no weapon. Secondly, her hair is loose and thus likely to get into her eyes in combat. Thirdly, the bottom of her "breastplate" has pointy edges likely to dig into her But I digress. While undoubtedly sexy in some live action goth-sorceress way, a good poke with a sharp stick is likely to do serious harm to this lass.

Exhibit B:

Here we have a woman dressed even less practically than the one above. First off, I am absolutely sure that metal bikini bottom is a thong, thus dramatically increasing the chance of chafing. I am pretty sure there is no medieval talcum powder available at the local markets so I assume that the bottoms will become irritating later on, causing her shuck them off and thus making her even more vulnerable to attack (something like combat masturbation probably...right Quatto?). To wit, this would be like lodging a short length of chain between one's cheeks...something I am quite sure is less than pleasant after about 30 minutes. She is wearing a giant glove and booties of some sort, but again the protection factor must be limited. And the bra is yet again a set of claws holding her boobage in place...but without the benefit of a clasp. Indeed, the claw bra must be adhesed to her foobies in some way, making removal of them by peeling them away from glued flesh most annoying I am sure.

Exhibit C:

Scary Evil Witch Queen Elf here is at least armored more than her predecessors. However, the look mis once again impractical. To begin, her midriff is exposed, allowing her to be stabbed or bludgeoned there easily. Further, her boots and gloves have big pointy flanges that look like they would cut her abs to ribbons anyway. In fact, you can see a trace of blood on her stomach on her left side. Next, her loin cloth is too long and thus increases the likelihood she';d step on it during combat, someone else would step on it, or she'd get it caught in something. However, the skull that sits on her belt is definitely not an invitation for hanky, panky, or spanky. It might give someone pause before trying to subdue her with their +5 weiner of colossal tunneling.

Ah, but fantasy is not the only genre of games that hs impractical chick armor. Sci-Fi has it's share as well.

Here we have a sexy stormtrooper recruiting poster seeking men and women, though likely men, to join the Imperial Army. Not too surprising and she's much easier in the visual receptors than Uncle Sam. However, let's look at her armor. Gun, helmet, legs, and arms are all covered. But the first glaring issue are the shoes. How are you supposed to storm a rebel cruiser and kill the hell out of everybody on board wearing 4 inch heels? And most glaringly is the lack of armor around the midsection. If Star Wars has taught me one thing it's that stormtroopers cannot shoot straight and they die in droves even with armor on. So either this is a cost saving measure, figuring she's gonna die anyway so let's save some credits on armor, or femtroopers are the elite tactical squad and have to wear very little because they are deadly accurate. Personally, I'd probably just use some Force Grope on her and then use the old Jedi mind trick to make her think I was cooler than I really am.

Sci-fi exhibit B:

Even the Halo game series (for the Xbox btw) has their share of fem-soldiers. Here's Master Chief Tori'i "Big Guns" McClooney showing us the latest in Halo wear for the femtrooper in the field. Like the example from above, she lacks a great deal of protection in the abs region, though at least she has some coverage in the area of the breasticles. Her helmet seems a bit too big and I am not sure if she's wearing pants or spandex hosiery under all that. And is that a belly-button ring? Might that not get caught on a grenade pin or something?

Well, that's all the time we have for today kids. Remember this: It's more important to look good than to feel protected when it comes to chick armors. Though some can actually pull off both.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Matt Damon Get His Revenge (racy language)

As many of my loyal readers might know, your favorite superhero (me) is a hollywood icon, having made some 15 movies and starring opposite the likes of Marcia Brady and Mike Tyson. My next film is slated to have a cameo by superspy Matt Damon.

Matt Damon is a scheduled guest on Jimmy Kimmel's talk show every night and every night he gets bumped at the end. After having confided his anger to your truly, I told him to try to work it all out with Kimmel's main squeeze Sara Silverman. Here's what happened: