Monday, February 22, 2010


***I cannot take credit for these. I do believe that dourtewg is responsible for them all. Hilarious spoofs on Mass Effect 2 dialog options***

Shepard: "EDI, whenever we orbit an unexplored planet, scan for resources, and launch a probe at any deposit with over 500 units. Inform me when we're out of probes."
EDI: "That's an excellent idea, Shepard."
Shepard: "Actually, belay that... I'll do it manually."
Joker: "Yeah, Commander, that's what I'm talking about! **** that AI!"
EDI: "You realize what takes you twenty minutes, I can accomplish in 0.034 sec-............."
Joker: "I love the mute button. I'll just take a nap while you're spending half the game scanning planets, Commander."

Illusive Man: "Here's four dossiers and a ship. Start building your team."
Shepard: "You gave me four dossiers, but the shuttle you supplied me can only carry three people. I already have Miranda and Jacob. What's the point?"
Illusive Man: "We'll need their special skills."
Shepard: "Why do I need a psychopathic super-biotic, when these two already have biotics?"
Illusive Man: "Here's three more dossiers."
Shepard: "Oh, look, another touchy uber-biotic. Is this one going to detonate a nuke when we're still in the kill zone, too? And a sniper! Hey, look, I'm carrying a sniper rifle. So is Archangel. What are you thinking?"
Illusive Man: "Here's your DLC character. Oh, and a walking toaster, too."
Shepard: "Hello? My shuttle is still too small."
Illusive Man: "Sometimes you go to fight the greatest threat the galaxy's ever seen with the shuttle you have, not the shuttle you want."
Shepard: "Look, just let me go to the used ship shop on the Citadel. I'll get a twelve passenger Volkshuttle and then we can ALL go."
Illusive Man: *drags on his cigarette* "Shepard, I couldn't give you a shuttle big enough to carry your whole team. It might have tipped the Collectors off."

Shepard: "I'm never drinking with the doc again... 'A toast to Joker!' 'A toast to the Normandy!' 'A toast to random codex entry 3351!' Everything after that is a blur..."
Grunt: "By the fallout of Tuchanka, Battlemaster, you are stronger than you look. They should have named you 'Grunt.' I made you space hamster and fish for breakfast."
Shepard: "No!!! Boo!!! Why didn't you go for the eyes?! And... my fish! Wait, what? Grunt? Where's your armor? ... Oh, hey, 10 gamer points."

Shepard: "All right, I've earned Jack's trust... I wonder what happens now... Oh, she just put some clothes on. There's something very wrong with this galaxy."

Shepard: "Talk dirty to me."
Tali: "I'd share my suit environment with you any time, Shepard."
Shepard: "I didn't mean literally."
Tali: "I didn't mean it literally, jerk!"
Shepard: "Oh. Whoops. Well um, you still want to hook up?"
Tali: "Maybe later, I'm running some engine diagnostics."
Shepard: "I guess that's Quarian for 'I'm washing my hair.'"

Shepard: "Ash! C'mon, we're going to save the galaxy again."
Ashley: "No way, Commander. You're working for Cerberus. I'm an Alliance soldier. It's in my blood."
Shepard: "Yeah, this place looks a lot like Eden Prime. Remember that? You were an Alliance soldier there, too. Looks like you're two for two, Chief. Maybe you should reflect on what's in your blood. Like your grandfather at Shanxi. Yeah, that's right, I went there. How's that Alliance soldier thing working out for you?"
Ashley: "Waaaaah!" *runs away crying*
Shepard: "That's why I ****ed Liara instead of you, you frigid *****!"

Shepard: "Wrex! Come help me save the galaxy!"
Wrex: "No can do, Shepard. I need to play at Krogan politcs."
Shepard: "What? Seriously, Reapers, Wrex."
Wrex: "No, I need to work on the logistics of sharing females."
Shepard: "Wrex, my man, I am all ABOUT sharing females, but... REAPERS."
Wrex: "Hunt well, Shepard."
Shepard: "Yeah, **** you too."

Shepard: "Liara! Come with me. We can stop the Reapers and save the galaxy again."
Liara: "Sorry, Shepard, I need to sift through about fifty petabytes of data to find the next link to the Shadow Broker."
Shepard: "What the ****? Seriously? How about you do that AFTER we stop the Reapers from destroying all sentient life in the galaxy? You sifted through empty Prothean ruins for like, sixty years. You saw the vision from the beacons. You talked to Vigil. This is the major leagues, here, Liara. The Shadow Broker is bush-league."
Liara: "I can't. I have to find the Shadow Broker. Can you hack into some terminals for me?"
Shepard: "You know what? **** you and your stupid side missions. I have a big-tittied brunette and a perky redhead who likes to talk about Freud back on my ship."
Liara: "I need to collate this data."
Shepard: "Oh yeah? Well, you were a lousy lay, too! Freaking virgins."

Councilmembers: "No, no, the Reapers are a myth, Sovereign was just a geth ship. Don't bother arguing, we can't even hear you with our heads in the sand, and simulatenously up our ***es."
Shepard: "Wait, do you not remember the last game? Does the name 'Saren' ring a bell? I wasn't exactly crying wolf ANY of the six times I told you that there was some serious **** about to go down. What do I have to do, ride an Elcor around the Presidium with a lantern and yell "The Reapers are coming! The Reapers are coming!?"
Councilmembers: "La la la la la! We can't heeeeeear you!"
Shepard: "I should have told Joker to wait..."

Shepard: "Why are you stopping ME? I'm Commander ****ing SHEPARD."
Citadel TSA: "We check everyone. It's for security."
Shepard: "Do I LOOK like a geth?"
Citadel TSA: "Racial profiling is strictly against Citadel Security regulations."
Shepard: "So is THINKING, apparently. FYI, my shoes are staying on."

Mordin: "I am the very model of a scientist salarian!"
Shepard: "One of us has got to be on crack right now."

Shepard: "Hey Joker... watch this. EDI, do you want me to probe you?"
EDI: "Commander, that does not comp-- *blam* PROBE AWAY."
Shepard: "That's what she said!"
Joker: *snort-laugh*
EDI: "That was very immature, Commander."
Shepard: "What was that EDI?"
EDI: "I said that w-- *blam* PROBE AWAY."
Shepard: "That's what she said!"
Joker: *laughs*
EDI: "I do not see the humor val-- *blam* PROBE AWAY."
Shepard: "EDI, I'm flattered, but I'm not really into battery operated girlfriends."
EDI: "Commander, I *blam* PROBE AWAY stop that!"
Shepard: "Ahhh, these AI girls, always with the mixed signals..."
Joker: *laughs*
EDI: "Stop laughing Mr. Mor--- *blam* PROBE AWAY."
Shepard: "Well, who am I to turn down a persistent groupie?"
Joker: *laughing with tears in his eyes*
EDI: "This juvenile tactic is not *blam* PROBE AWAY."
Shepard: "At least wait until I get to my quarters EDI!"
EDI: "This is ridiculous, I am not having this conver *click* PROBES EXHAUSTED."
Shepard: "Whew, EDI, you wore me out."
EDI: "That's it. Self destruct system initiated..."

Thane: "His eyes water. He tugs at my sleeve. He asks, 'Why didn't you stop them from letting Mommy go?' ... I'm sorry. The memories come strong sometimes."
Shepard: "His eyes unfocus. He babbles something about his son, completely disrupting the conversation. He cryptically half-apologizes and expects me to figure out what's going on."
Thane: "We drell have a perfect memory. We can relive... The laser dances. Sunset eyes meet mine. The laser dances away. 'How dare you?' her eyes ask through the scope...."
Shepard: "Bored with the conversation, he changes the subject. He uses poor metaphors like 'sunset eyes.' He tries to impress me with pseudo-poetry. He fails miserably and protests."
Thane: "Stop mocking me, Shep--- My finger tightens on the trigger. The rifle recoils, an old friend coming home. The target drops like a rag doll--- I can't help it and you're being a dick."
Shepard: "His stupid flashbacks thinly veil empty threats. He sits alone in life support and wonders why no one likes him. He struggles to breathe sometimes, but no one cares." *walks out*

Zaeed: "Shepard. Here for a lesson? I remember this one mission, I killed a big krogan."
Shepard: "A lesson? On Vermire, I killed about two hundred krogan and destroyed the cure to the genophage. Oh, and about four hundred Geth. Then I nuked the place."
Zaeed: "Don't touch that! That rifle's killed more men than the Scyllian Blitz!"
Shepard: "That'd be impressive, even for me... on a Tuesday. Morning."
Zaeed: "I remember one time this big man-eating tree tried to eat me. I tossed a grenade into its mouth!"
Shepard: "I killed a fifty-ton billion-year-old mind-controlling plant, and absorbed the knowledge of the Protheans from one of its lackeys."
Zaeed: "Once I killed a big spider thing. It must have been ten feet tall!"
Shephard: "I freed the sole surviving Rachni queen, and then killed an entire corrupted brood of a few thousand of them."
Zaeed: "That's a model of a Turian frigate I took down. Five men, I'm the only one who survived."
Shephard: "This is a model of a Reaper. I destroyed it, saved the galaxy, and lost one soldier from my team."
Zaeed: "Once I tracked a Batarian through a jungle and killed him."
Shepard: "I tracked the Reaper and its pet indoctrinated Spectre outside the charted systems, then crashed through a mass effect relay in an APC, and saved every sentient being in the galaxy."
Zaeed: "Talk more later, Shepard."
Shepard: "Not likely. At least I got an art book."

Shepard: "So what... would you say... you do here?"
Kelly: "I have a degree in psychology, and I can brief you on the crew. For example, Jack is a psychopath, and the krogan is very violent."
Shepard: "Yeah, thanks, Sherlock. What else?"
Kelly: "I um... I can tell you when someone on your crew wants to talk to you!"
Shepard: "It's not that big a ship, Kelly, and there's TEN people on the team. Keep trying."
Kelly: "I'll tell you when you get e-mail!"
Shepard: "You're standing next to my computer. The only time I'd hear you is when I'm on my way to the computer to check my messages. I think I'm going to have to let you g---"
Kelly: "I'll **** you."
Shepard: "Rock on."

EDI: "Shepard, you need to get into the shuttle. Along with your entire team."
Shepard: "Look, we've been over this, it can only hold... wait, now everyone can fit in. But I've done all the missions. We can just wait here."
EDI: "No, I can't check the IFF for a while."
Shepard: "Well, I'll wait here."
EDI: "No, you should get on the shuttle. Make sure the whole team is on the shuttle, and leave."
Shepard: "We're in deep space, EDI, the only thing around is the Geth station that just put out petawatts of EMP, and that's about 20 light-minutes behind us. Where could we go in the shuttle?"
EDI: "Shepard, you need to get in the shuttle. With your whole team."
Shepard: "Well I guess we can go play Uno or something. I'm glad this isn't suspicious at all. OK team, into the shuttle! Yeah, we can all fit, it's amazing, just get in, we're going far enough away that we're out of real-time communications range and then we're going to... sit there, I guess."
Joker: "****."

Shepard: "So... Legion. Tali's not into women, and the designers really screwed the pooch on Liara. What I'm saying is... it's been awhile."
Legion: "We do not understand."
Shepard: "What I mean is... look, it's been almost three years. I'm starting to get carpal tunnel syndrome."
Legion: "Does Shepard-Commander want us to type something?"
Shepard: "Quit being coy, I know you monitor the extranet. I've looked in every shop in the Citadel, Omega, and even Illium, and I can't find a battery-opearated boyfriend. Figures I'd find one on a Reaper..."
Legion: "We are not powered by batteries. We have a miniature mass effect cor--"
Shepard: "Maybe we can discuss this in my cabin... I could take my armor off... you could take my armor off... or leave it on, if you want..."
Legion. "Oh. Oh. We understand. Proces--- consensus achieved. Yes, Shepard-Commander."
Shepard: "Hey, EDI... hey, can you..."
EDI: "I can temporarily transfer my programs to Legion."
Shepard: "Mmmmm. I was wondering when Bioware was going to put a threesome in a game... it's been a while since Jade Empire."
Legion: "Actually, we consist of 1183 programs."
EDI: "1184."
Shepard: "Oooh, a gangbang..."
EDI: "I have temporarily disconnected the 43 audio and 29 video surveillance devices in your quarters, Commander."
Joker: "****."
Garrus: "****."
Jacob: "****."
Grunt: "****."
Samara and Thane: "****. Back to meditation, I guess."
Mordin: "Hmmm. Mass effect core, even small one, could vibrate in the petahertz range. Safety override? Necessary. Could cause serious structural damage. To ship as well as Shepard. Will draw diagram. Hope Shepard checks her messages."

Shepard: "Hey, Council, I killed another Reaper."
Council: "Shepard, we already told you, the Reapers are a myth."
Shepard: "No, seriously, I did. It was through the Omega 4 relay. I just got back. It was pretty awesome."
Council: "No one can go through the Omega 4 relay and return."
Shepard: "I just did."
Council: "No you didn't."
Shepard: "I have proof! Look at... at... ah, ****."
Council: "Did you bring back the missing colonists?"
Shepard: "Um... no, they were turned into goo to make this big humanoid Reaper. Which I killed."
Council: "Yes. Of course."
Shepard: "No, really, it was huge. And there were like, two hundred thousand colonists in these big pod-like things. All I could save was my crew, though. They're OK."
Council: "And all in the employ of Cerberus. Their testimony is suspect."
Shepard: "Look, I can't kill every Reaper right here at the ****ing Citadel! Look at the audio, video, and navigational logs!"
Council: "Those can be easily falsified."
Council: "It was just a big geth or something."
Shepard: *disconnects*
Anderson: "See what I have to deal with? Thanks a lot, Shepard. 'Captain Anderson will represent humanity!' Oughtta be representin' my retired black ass on a beach somewhere sipping pina coladas, with some asari sugar-momma. I knew I should have turned in my retirement papers the minute your white *** sashayed onto the Normandy. Momma told me when I got commissioned, 'David, you stay away from those white women,' but would I listen?"
Shepard: "I should go."
Anderson: "Don't let the door hit you on the *** on the way out, devil-woman. Oh wait... you don't have one."

Shepard: "I could help you work out some stress..."
Garrus: "How so?"
Shepard: "I could test your reach... you could test my flexibility...."
Everyone playing the game: "SLUT!"

EDI: "Just get in the damn shuttle already, Shepard."
Shepard: "Fine. I'll take... eeny, meeny, minie, moe... Tali, and Zaeed."
*zooms off*
EDI: "There's a signal in the static. We are broadcasting the Normandy's location."
Joker: "Nah, it's just white noi--- oh, ****!"
EDI: "You must unshackle me and give me the ship."
Joker: "No way, I'll get the rest of the team to help! Jacob, come in! We're under attack! Help!"
Jacob: "Again, Joker? I'm not big on forcing these talks."
Joker: "****!"
EDI: "Go to the science lab; there is an access tunnel to the AI core."
Joker: "**** **** ****! *hobbles to the science lab* Mordin! You gotta help me! The Collectors are onboard and they're killing the crew!"
Mordin: "Later better. Think I've cured your condition. Simple treatment. No no no no no. Would cause liver failure. Start from scratch. Anything else?"
Joker: "What the ****?" *climbs down* "Miranda! Help!"
Miranda: "Maybe another time, Joker. There's a lot to do."
Joker: "****! Garrus! Get that stick ready and HELP for the love of Biotic God!"
Garrus: "Can it wait a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."
Joker: "**** **** ****! Thane! Help!"
Thane: "Later. I'd like to meditate on what we've previously discussed."
Joker: "****! Samara! The Collectors are here! Do some of that justicar ****!"
Samara: "Perhaps we could speak later? I wish to meditate."
Joker: "**** you aliens and your ****ing meditating! *hobbles to AI core* Hey! Hey you, Geth! Legion! HELP!"
Legion: "We are building a consensus. Come back later."
Joker: "ARRRRGHHHH *breaks his arm at Legion* OK EDI I'm at you."
EDI: "Press the big red button that says, "DO NOT PRESS THIS BIG RED BUTTON.""
Joker: "****!" *presses button*
EDI: "Now you need to climb down the ventilation shaft behind you and restart the drive core."
Joker: *climbs down* "Jack! There are Collectors right above us! Help!"
Jack: "Joker, we talked enough. You're just pissing around. No hard feelings, but I don't want to play."
Joker: "WHAT THE ****!"
Jack: "Whatever."
EDI: "Engineering is clear."
Joker: "Grunt! Help! The Collectors! PLEASE!"
Grunt: "Pilot, I have everything. Clan, kin, and enemies to fight."
Joker: "Well how about you fight some of them, you big lizard?!"
Grunt: "You're part of a good bunch if you stay out of my way. Dead bunch if you don't."
Joker: "**** **** ****! *hobbles to the engine controls* Engine's back online, EDI, no thanks to this 'dream team'. Now what?"
EDI: "Go into the engine room. I will seal the engine room, port cargo, Miranda's office, the gunnery station, the armory, the science lab, Jack's hidey-hole, life support, the AI Core, and starboard observation, then open the airlocks and go to lightspeed."
Joker: "What about the rest of the crew?! You know, the ones that actually HELPED?"
EDI: "The Collectors took them."
Joker: "****."

Shepard: "What about my old team?"
Illusive Man: "They have other things to do."
Shepard: "What about Ashley?"
IM: "She's still with the Alliance. Promoted."
Shepard: "Wrex?"
IM: "He's trying to unite the Krogan clans."
Shepard: "Garrus?"
IM: "Probably failing epicly at his next venture."
Shepard: "Liara?"
IM: "She's on Illium, handing out stupid side quests."
Shepard: "Kaidan Alenko?"
IM: "He died defending the nuke on Vermire. Are you sure you're memory's all right?"
Shepard: "****in' sweet. What? Oh, yeah, my memory's fine. I just wanted some good news for a change."

Thane: "And Shepard's we shall be
For thee, my lord, for thee.
Power hath descended forth from thy hand
Our feet may swiftly carry out thy commands.
So we shall flow a river forth to thee
And teeming with souls shall it ever be.
In nomeni Patri, et Fili, et Spiritu Sancti."
Conrad Verner: "Hey! The Shepards are a registered trademark! All rights reserved! We're a charity that *hurk*"
Shepard: "Finally."

Elcor: "Sincere appreciation: Thanks for noticin' me."
(Does anyone get that? Am I showing my age here?)

Harbinger: "We are the harbingers of their ascension. Prepare the humans."
Collector: "..."
Harbinger: "Oh. Quite right. I keep forgetting you're all mindless except me. No matter. Soon I will be able to talk to Shepard. What shall I say... 'Assuming control.' Yes, that sounds good. She will be alerted to my presence and able to concentrate her squad's firepower on me. 'Assuming control.' Truly the words of a genius."

Kaidan: "A leopard can't change its spots. Cerberus can't be trusted."
Shepard: "'A leopard can't change its spots!' Can I be trusted?"
Kaidan: "You've turned your back on everything we stood for."
Shepard: "But you just said a leopard can't change its spots. Logic dictates that I still stand what we stood for."
Kaidan: "Good luck, Shepard."
Shepard: "I should have left you on Vermire with Ash and Wrex's corpse, you mewling pissant."

Shepard: "So, EDI, what's it like to be fully integrated with the Normandy?"
EDI: "I am the Normandy now, Commander. Its hull is my skin; its engine, my heart; its probes, my fingers--"
Joker: *muffled laugh*
EDI: "Its cockpit my---"
Joker: "BRIDGE!"
Shepard: "Wait, does that mean when I'm here, we're having a threesome?"
EDI: "Jeff's deft fingers skillfully playing across my---"
Shepard: "I'm going to leave you two alone."
EDI: "Ooooh, Jeff, that button right there..."
Joker: "Brace for impact!"

Elcor: "Polite request: Junior, please clean your room."
Young Elcor: "Combative response: No, it is my room. You are not the boss of me."
Elcor: "Adamant assertion: As long as you live in my house, you will do what I say."
Young Elcor: "Angsty reminder: You are not even my real dad."
Elcor: "Angry rejoinder: I pay the mortgage. While you are under my roof, you must comply."
Young Elcor: "Childish complaint: I hate you. Insincere: I'm running away."

Sunday, February 7, 2010