Monday, March 31, 2008
There were many fine moments this weekend: comb over guy...The Divari's and their donut mania...the KOV missing out on some primo KISS action figures...and the majesty which lies below.
Here we see the fine airbrushed Berea Cheerleader pullover. Looks innocent enough...but is it? Stand a little further back. Tell me the megaphone and pom poms look like airbrushed man-cork and balls. Worst of all, poor Krista appears to be all over the megaphone, giving this fine outerwear a whole new meaning. Krista rides the pole.
Of course, EVERYONE was demanding I buy one and get Trixie's name written on the megaphone but alas...not enough money for THAT kind of fun.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
About 9 minutes lifted from Nightline.
Maybe they should keep up with their Richard Dawkins.
Bruce was enamored by these old plastic polyhedral dice.
So, we talked Der Jennifer into breaking out the camera and snapping this highly artistic pic of said dice and her character sheet (remarkably devoid of beer stains).
Of course, it wasn't too long before long time Game Masters become distracted. As Bruce points out so eloquently, DM's are easily distracted by porn.
We read it for the articles, of course.
Judging by our doughy physiques, we also get easily distracted by food.
As food coma sets in, we usually then engage in a rousing game of "Who's Goatee Looks Like An Old Woman's Bush. Quatto usually wins.
And as night draws into the wee hours, we need to have the obligatory group pic. Contrary to what you may be thinking, these fellas are high on action role-playing and not grass.
Of course...no post of friends is complete without...
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
There is a decent chance that you have arrived at this web site and are looking at this post in order to see more of one Trixie Teen. You see, the problem is my very good friend is Trixie.
A DIFFERENT Trixie than the one you are looking for.
You are looking for some of this:
The Trixie I know is far more likely to give you some of this:
This superhero apologizes for the inconvenience. Please put your weenis back into your pants and navigate on away from here as soon as you can type with both hands again.
However if crazed houswife dancing in the rain covered streets gets you hot, then carry on.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Wow. This story just gets more bizarre by the day. As we all know, this above specimen of bedroom gymnastics is the chicka that brought down Governor Spitzer. It was revealed she's:
1) A high class prostitute
2) Terrible singer
3) One of Joe Francis' 'Girls Gone Wild' whorelets
4) Will go all lesbianic with other babes for a GGW t-shirt
5) Wears a trucker hat ala Ashton Kutcher which makes her look like a total douchetard
Now it turns out that the SEVEN video tapes whe made for GGW and her little girl-girl tryst on film happened when she was just 17. How does one become so...sex nasty by 17? Seriously, she's on the Traci Lords fast track to porn infamy at this point.
Hell, Skippy may have a chance with her after all.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Turns out that before Ashley Alexandra Dupre was riding bonercoasters for 4k a night, she was whoring for Joe Francis and Girls Gone Wild. I think the above look is synonymous with, "I'm an attention whore. Can I has my money now?"
Apparnently one shooting wasn't enough. WWTDD.com is reporting that she shot seven films with Joe Francis including a little girl on girl action. Ahhh..smell what the rolemodel is lying in...
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
So as I am sure you all know, this fine example of an American dreamer has been at the center of some very sticky news as of late. Yes, Ms. Ashely Alexandra Dupre has been thoroughly pumped like a chemical toilet for information regarding her $4000 an hour tryst with Governor Spitzer. News outlets have stated that she worked for high-class escort service called the Emperor's Club which shockingly had their web site go down faster than a ten cent hooker on dollar night.
Of course Ms. Dupre considers herself a musician. Perhaps she is following the Madonna path to stardom in which she sleeps her way to the top, smelling of shame, desperation, and Old Spice.
Sadly, she'll likely parley this scandal into a record contract and more fame. Penthouse has already offered her a chance to spread her fame, so to speak, to the glossy pages of their spank magazine. Likely she'll make more than $4000 for the shoot so she should be all for it.
My burning question is this. What va-jayjay is worth $4000 an hour? I mean, is it made of gold and does it have a giant diamond in the middle of it like this:
Perhaps the best part of the whole thing is Ms. Dupre's MySpace page. You can check out her profile HERE (sfw). For starters she has her very own music single playing as her page opens up like the legs of a limber pole dancer. The song's not too bad and if that is her singing, she sounds like every other 17 to 25 year old wanna-be pop starlet.
Scrolling down the page we see her Friends List. Her top five contain:
Madonna -- notorious kaballah spewing, lesbian smooching, cross burning whore
Amy Winehouse -- crack whore
Whitney -- batshit crazy crack whore
Celine Dion -- one of these things is not like the other whores
Mary J Blige -- mediocre songstress and compulsive over actor in her videos
Seriously? These are your top five? No guys named "John" anywhere to be found? Scandalous.
Then we get her About Me blurb. I wholly expected a laundy list of Do's and Don'ts for her persective clients. Something like,
Will Do -- Rusty Trombones, Bulgarian Gas Masks, Dutch Ovens, Alabama Fudge Slide
Won't Do -- Donkey Punches, Dirty Sanchez's, Cleveland Steamers, Guys Names Skippy
Will Do For More Money -- Russian Bobsled, Mexican Blindfold, German Flashlight, Charlie Sheen
No, here's what she's written:
"I am all about my music, and my music is all about me… It flows from what I’ve been through, what I’ve seen and how I feel."
Does it make you feel sticky, broke, confused, and morally bankrupt? That's what I would assume at least considering...well. Anyway it goes on...left home at 17, blah blah, broke and homeless, blah blah, never dwell on the past...etc.
Not one mention of what we all really want to know about. Is Elliot Spitzer into kinky shit? Slept with Condi Rice? Does Karl Rove wear a Darth Vader mask if he was ever a client? Does Ted Kennedy get you drunk then push you into a wading pool?
But the best part of her MySpace page is the legion of desperate strokers who are leaving her messages. None of them have said what I have been wanting to say this whole time...
$4000? Really? For that? For one hour?
Granted, she likely can and is moderating the board and removing the more brutal queries., But the sad mass of dumbass dudes who are leaving her "supportive" messages just slays me. Here's one:
I heard that things are coming together in your favor, legally. Hope the same is true on the career/business side, as well!
What it means:
I want to plow you.
YO YO holla at your boy i really hope you are ok i know you are cause you are a strong women and i hope you feel we helped you more then hurt you in speaking out about your music and how it wuz your dream to be a star and you are now on the road where you need to be it's Prophecy that Links Together rember that hope to hear from you soon... 1 love
What it means:
I'm Mr. Sensitive Wanna-be hip hopper with god awful grammar-nizzle who thinks if I show compassion you'll let me plow you.
Hey Ash now that you are gonna be rich and famous don't forget us little guys. You're on your way.
What it means:
I only have enough money to take you to Denny's. If I buy you a Grand Slam can I plow you?
Keep ya head up !!
What it means:
Keep ya head up while I plow you.
March 14, 2008
Woman files lawsuit against AMR because passenger next to her masturbated while she slept
A 21-year-old Harris County woman filed a $200,000 lawsuit against American Airlines alleging employees on a flight to Los Angeles from Dallas/Fort Worth Airport failed to protect her while she slept from another passenger who masturbated to her and ejaculated in her hair, according to a lawsuit she filed last week in Tarrant County.
The Harris County woman alleges employees knew of the risks associated with failing to “police the passengers to ensure that passengers do not hurt one another,” the suit states.
Airline officials did not return calls seeking comment. In a statement to a Houston television station last year, a spokesman said the company regretted the incident, but the flight crew took appropriate action.
The woman and her lawyer could not be reached for comment. The Star-Telegram does not identify victims of sexual crimes.
Destined for a Spring Break visit with family and friends March 19, the woman flew from Houston to DFW Airport and had settled into her seat for the last leg of flight 2074 to Los Angeles about 11 p.m., the suit states. The woman slept most of the flight, but awoke about 20 minutes before landing when the pilot announced the plane was on decent into Los Angeles. When the woman opened her eyes, she saw that an unknown man had moved into the seat next to her and was staring at her as he masturbated, the suit states.
The woman turned toward the window in embarrassment and in an act of nervousness began to run her fingers through her hair where she noticed “a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance in her hair,” the suit states.
The woman began to cry and tried to get the attention of a flight attendant, but was unsuccessful, the suit states. Finally a passenger in the row in front of the woman comforted her and verified the semen in her hair, the suit states.
When the plane landed, employee called airport police and the man was arrested.
The suit alleges that the during the investigation, American Airlines employees told police they witnessed the man move from his assigned seat into the row where the woman was sleeping.
The woman is seeking punitive damages and a jury trial.
-- Melissa Vargas
DMX versus Ghostbusters Theme (nsfw language)
Beatles vesus Nine Inch Nails
Beatles versus Green Day
Evanescence versus Tears for Fears
Madonna versus Depeche Mode versus Tears for Fears
Britney versus Gwen
And just for Trixie...Kanye West versus Beethoven
My favorite point is the third one down which demands a good housewife be a little more gay. I'd settle for bi-curious myself.
Click Image to Enlarge.
And here is a fine slide show of fashionable women's lingerie and corsets from 1900 till 1950, compiled by this hero for my LSD colleague Anna-Mei.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
Getting through enemy fortifications is always tough, what with their insistence on constructing defenses out of stone and other non-meringue based substances. Sometimes conventional weapons just can't break through, and such was the case with the concrete defenses that were part of the Third Reich's Atlantic Wall that ran up and down the west coast of the European continent. So the Brits came up with the Panjandrum, insanity's answer to "what could we do to make explosives more dangerous?"
So how do you get a tank-sized hole in a concrete wall? Well, they created two giant, wooden wheels joined by a central drum stuffed with explosives. On each wheel they strapped rockets as a means to propel it forward at speeds of about 60 miles an hour. Life imitates art, and sometimes military life imitates Wile E. Coyote cartoons.
What went wrong:
You can probably guess. The rockets that moved the thing had a habit of flying off during tests, sending the entire structure off course, which we're thinking created a number of safety issues. After adding more rockets and another wheel, it was tested again and this time it turned right back to sea.
Finally, after many tweaks, it was ready to be tested in front of Navy officials, scientists and journalists. How could this go wrong?
The ridiculous thing started rolling off as planned, but then like a drunken hussy with vertigo on a dance floor, it started careening all over the place before making a beeline for the assembled Navy brass, discarding rockets and wobbling around before thankfully collapsing and exploding. Moments later, the Roadrunner went zipping by.
When Winston Churchill got a hankering to smite his enemies, he aimed for the sky. Actually, he aimed for the ocean, where he wanted to build Holy Fuck That's Insane island. That was renamed Project Habbakuk. It was an aircraft carrier. It was an iceberg.
Wanting to make an unsinkable aircraft carrier that would be so intense as to make enemies shit themselves uncontrollably, and with good reason, the Brits came up with the Habbakuk. Constructed from ice (ever try to sink an ice cube?) the plan was to make it 2,000 feet long with a deck to keel depth of 200 feet and walls 40 feet thick. It would displace 2,000,000 tons (compared to the Navy's current Nimitz class carriers that displace 100,000 tons). So, it was like, really big.
When ice proved to be not entirely feasible a material to build an aircraft carrier out of, they switched to something called Pykrete, which was just ice and wood pulp. It was intense stuff that deflected bullets and since this idea was already probably the craziest thing anyone had ever heard of, why the fuck not?
What went wrong:
Practicality. A small version had been constructed in Canada that weighed 1,000 tons and was only 60 feet long to show that the idea could work. It took three summers to melt the damn thing. The full-scale model would take $70 million, 8,000 people and eight months to finish, the finished product could only travel at six knots and once it arrived where it was going, it would still be made of fucking ice.
In terms of great military plans, from the first ape-man who threw a rock at some other asshole ape and likely stretching into our Jetsons-like future with lasers and nanobots that will melt the faces of those who displease us, nothing is likely to ever top the Gay Bomb. The Gay Bomb is exactly what it sounds like; a weapon that would rend our enemies asunder with gay. Actual, weaponized gay.
Wright Laboratory in Ohio proposed a number of non-lethal weapons to the Pentagon, as methods of crowd control are highly in demand these days and tear gas is about as cool as hippie daisies and beaded curtains. Instead, why not bathe your targets in an aphrodisiac chemical so strong that it caused all the enemy combatants to line up for mustache rides?
So maybe it's not a room full of stoners coming up with these ideas, maybe it's a house full of frat guys.
What went wrong:
In concept, it's probably true that an enemy is less effective when engaged in a massive, frenzied man-orgy. However, science has not actually perfected a way to make this happen to just any group of males.
Apparently the "how" was not the job of the idea department here, as the same lab proposed other weapons that would make bugs and rodents attack enemies, give them bad breath or mark them with a stink so they couldn't hide in general population. Again, that's all fine and good, if and when ways of doing those things actually exists.
Despite that, the Pentagon kicked this idea around for at least seven years, perhaps based on nothing more than the private fantasy of one frustrated general.
Check out Coach's Top Five Album Covers of All Time (or at least that he can remember).
Saturday, March 8, 2008
2008 NFL Movie Character Mock Draft
This years draft class features an impressive array of players for teams to choose from. But what if the field was enlarged to include some of our favorite fictional football playing characters? I think the draft would go a little something like this.
1. Miami Dolphins - Forrest Gump. KR. (Forrest Gump).
Bill Parcells would prefer to go with a defensive player here, but can’t resist a player who scores nearly every time he touches the ball. Concerns over Gumps intelligence were allayed when Gump scored a 9 on his Wunderlic test, 2 points higher than Vince Young.
2. St. Louis Rams - Charles Jefferson. DE. (Fast Times At Ridgemont High).
The Rams drafted DT Adam Carriker last year and continue to improve their line by drafting Jefferson. The Rams will also be hiring Jeff Spicoli to trash Jefferson’s new Escalade and blame it on the Seahawks.
3. Atlanta Falcons - Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass. QB. (Remember The Titans).
After a terrible season under immobile QBs, Joey Harrington and Byron Leftwich, the Falcons draft a more mobile quarterback. Arthur Blank hopes Bass’s long, dreamy, glowing locks make Falcons’ fans forget about their last franchise QB.
4. Oakland Raiders - Lucy Draper. K. (Necessary Roughness)
Sebastian Janikowski is 30 years old and was ineffective last year hitting only 23 of his 32 field goal attempts. Drafting Draper means an end to Seabass’s tenure in Oaktown, and though they will theoretically never be teammates, if we were Draper we wouldn’t leave our drinks unattended for the few practices just to be safe.
5. Kansas City Chiefs - Billy Bob. OL. (Varsity Blues)
The Chiefs are very old along their offensive line and Billy Bob will help to inject some youth into the unit. Though, Kansas City may want to check into rumors that Billy Bob has lost 500 or so pounds since he last played.
6. New York Jets - Al Bundy. RB. (Married With Children).
The Jets filled their needs at DT and OG through free agency and trades, so here they get running back to team with Thomas Jones. Though Bundy never played college football, the memory of his mythical four TD performance rocketed him up the Jets board.
7. New England Patriots - Steve Lattimer. LB. (The Program)
Lattimer dominated in his senior season at ESU and New England seems to be getting a steal here. The Patriots plan on using him as a linebacker in their 3-4. He immediately moves into the empty locker next to Rodney Harrison’s.
8. Baltimore Ravens - Rico Dynamite. QB. (Napolean Dynamite).
The Ravens haven’t learned from the past and again are targeting a QB based more on upside than results. Following Dynamite’s performance at his pro day, where at one point, he was rumored to have thrown a football over a mountain range, the Ravens were sold.
9. Cincinatti Bengals - Ricky Baker. RB. (Boyz N The Hood).
Though Baker has had somewhat of a checkered past (poor test scores, a brother in a gang, a child born out of wedlock), the Bengals were nonetheless intrigued by his talent. He will battle Kenny Watson and Rudi Johnson for the starting job.
10. New Orleans Saints - Bobby Boucher. LB. (The Waterboy).
With the Saints having problems last season getting to the quarterback and with the water supply of New Orleans still in dire need of replenishment from Hurricane Katrina, local product Boucher makes perfect sense.
11. Buffalo Bills - Charlie Tweeder. WR. (Varsity Blues).
The Bills look past some of Tweeder’s youthful transgressions and add another homerun hitter to their receiving crops. Our sources report that Tweeder plans on celebrating by drinking beer, ‘cause Tweeder drinks beer.
12. Denver Broncos - Fred “Ogre” Palowakski. OL. (Revenge Of The Nerds).
Denver’s offensive line has gotten old and Ogre helps them return to glory with his special brand of intensity. The Broncos can only hope that Palowakski’s irrational hatred of nerds does not affect his relationship with head coach Mike Shanahan.
13. Carolina Panthers - Paul Blake. QB. (Necessary Roughness).
As the Panthers demonstrated with Chris Weinke, they have no problem drafting QBs in their early 50’s. Blake’s slow Texas drawl should be easier to understand in the huddle than Delhomme’s excited, unintelligible Cajun Man impression.
14. Chicago Bears - Jonathan Moxon. QB. (Varsity Blues).
After too many seasons of the Sex Cannon and the Neckbeard, Lovie Smith wants to draft a more cerebral QB, and fell in love with Moxon the combine, going as far as to let the QB knock a beer can off his head as to demonstrate his accuracy. Only time will tell if Moxon would rather read his playbook or Slaughterhouse 5.
15. Detroit Lions - Alvin Mack. LB. (The Program).
The Lions were dead last in the NFL at stopping poo-butt motherfuckers so Mack will definitely help there. Mack was able to come back from serious knee surgery and is reportedly excited to buy his mother the house that goes along with that door-knocker. Unfortunately, that house will be in Detroit.
16. Arizona Cardinals - Julius Campbell. DE. (Remember The Titans).
The Cardinals are looking for a guy to get after the passer and the athletic Campbell fits the bill. Although, rumors had surfaced earlier that the Cardinals liked Campbell’s teammate, Gerry Bertier, more, but um…..lets move on.
17. Minnesota Vikings - Stan Gable. QB. (Revenge Of The Nerds).
Brad Childress tells anyone listening that he is sold on Tarvaris Jackson as his quarterback. But the Vikings can’t pass on All American Boy, Stan Gable, here at 17. Our guess is that no matter where he’s drafted, he ends up living next door to our projected #6 pick.
18. Houston Texans - Louie Lastik. OL. (Remember The Titans).
Finally, the Texans address their needs along the offensive line. Lastik also plans on starting a soul group with Mario Williams, Amobi Okoye and DeMeco Ryans, an agreement made after Lastik back off demands that he’d only play for Motown.
19. Philadelphia Eagles - Daniel Ruetigger. DE/LB. (Rudy).
Ruetigger didn’t see the field much, but it seemed that whenever he did, he got to the quarterback. Although he is vastly undersized (one coach described him as ‘Hobbit-like’), teams were blown away by his work ethic at the combine. The Eagles hope that Ruettiger picks up where Mike Mamula left off.
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tim Waymen. QB. (The Program).
Though both Waymen and Joe Kane project to go in the first round, the Heisman-winner Waymen is projected a little higher on teams draft boards, mostly because while Michigan has a strong pedigree of pro QBs, teams could not think of the last successful QB to emerge from ESU.
21. Washington Redskins. Ivory Christian. DE. (Friday Night Lights).
The Redskins need a dominant defensive end and Christian fits the bill. An immediate and forceful presence in the locker room, you can also be sure he’ll let the Redskins know when they are playing like a bunch of little girls.
22. Dallas Cowboys - Darnell Jefferson. RB. (The Program).
His impressive workout numbers had a lot of teams proclaiming “Gee Whiz Darnell!”. Jefferson split time with Ray Griffin at ESU, so he should be comfortable splitting time with Marion Barber. Jefferson has already promised that he will wear number 5, but his team will un-doob-it-tably be number one.
23. Pittsburgh Steelers - Andre Krimm. DT. (Necessary Roughness).
Krimm will hold up blockers and teach the Steelers about astronomy as well. What will franchise QB Ben Roethlisberger think about the pick? I don’t know, do meatheads find Sinbad funny? Wait, does anyone find Sinbad funny?
24. Tennessee Titans - Air Bud. WR. (Air Bud, Golden Retriever).
I have to admit, I’ve never seen any of the Air Bud movies, but from what I understand, it’s about a dog that catches footballs in it’s mouth. He has to be better than Roydell Williams, Justin Gage or Brandon Jones. He also scored two points higher on the Wonderlic than Vince Young.
25. Seattle Seahawks - Joe Kane. QB. (The Program).
An up-and-down season at ESU, punctuated with barfights, a DUI, and a stint in rehab drop the talented Kane down to the Seahawks, who have the luxury of letting Kane ride the bench for a season or two before eventually taking over the reigns from Matt Hasselback. Kane will also most likely have to enter the NFL’s substance abuse program upon being drafted.
26. Jacksonville Jaguars - Bud Light Kamenski. OL. (The Program).
It’s seems fitting that Joe Kane’s inseparable sidekick goes one spot after him. The Jaguars do not have a lot of holes, so here, they go best player available. Or best player named after beer available. Ride along lil’ doggies.
27. San Diego Chargers - Boobie Miles. HB. (Friday Night Lights).
Miles was able to get back into playing shape through heavy rehabilitation. With Michael Turner off to Atlanta, Miles will be ready for those moments when LaDanian Tomlinson decides that sulking on the bench is more important than playing through injuries.
28. Dallas Cowboys - Spike Hammersmith. LB. (Little Giants).
Hammersmith can play either full back or linebacker and the ‘boys see him as an OLB. The downside, however, is that like Terrell Owens, the Cowboys worry that Hammersmith is a mere mercenary who will only play hard when things are going well.
29. San Francisco 49ers - Stefan Djordevic. DB. (All The Right Moves).
The Niners stop Djordevic’s free fall at 29. His stock fell when he only measured out at 5 foot 5 at the combine, but that doesn’t scare off San Fran since his hands were still twice the size of Niners QB Alex Smith’s muffin stumps with fingers.
30. Green Bay Packers - Petey Jones. DB. (Remember The Titans).
Turns out storylines centered around defensive backs aren’t all that interesting so DB’s are at a premium in this draft and Djordevic and Jones are clearly the best available. If you don’t believe us, ask Jones yourself. The Pack hopes he plays like a superstar instead of just acting like a scrub.
31. New England Patriots - Forfeit.
Forfeiting this pick was supposed to teach the Patriots organization and Bill Belichick a lesson but the stoic Belichick doesn’t seem to be affected when he addressed the media saying he doesn’t have a whole lot of interest in Hollywood type films and could spend the rest of his days simply watching his own home movies.
32. New York Giants - Becky “The Icebox” O’Shea. FB. (Little Giants).
Rumors that O’Shea was considering cheerleading over football drops her to the the Giants who envision O’Shea as the lead blocker for Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw. The Giants main priority is keeping her the hell away from Jeremy Shockey.