Saturday, March 8, 2008

THE Best Mock NFL Draft I Have Ever Seen

2008 NFL Movie Character Mock Draft

This years draft class features an impressive array of players for teams to choose from. But what if the field was enlarged to include some of our favorite fictional football playing characters? I think the draft would go a little something like this.

Forrest Gump1. Miami Dolphins - Forrest Gump. KR. (Forrest Gump).
Bill Parcells would prefer to go with a defensive player here, but can’t resist a player who scores nearly every time he touches the ball. Concerns over Gumps intelligence were allayed when Gump scored a 9 on his Wunderlic test, 2 points higher than Vince Young.

Charles Jefferson2. St. Louis Rams - Charles Jefferson. DE. (Fast Times At Ridgemont High).
The Rams drafted DT Adam Carriker last year and continue to improve their line by drafting Jefferson. The Rams will also be hiring Jeff Spicoli to trash Jefferson’s new Escalade and blame it on the Seahawks.

Sunshine3. Atlanta Falcons - Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass. QB. (Remember The Titans).
After a terrible season under immobile QBs, Joey Harrington and Byron Leftwich, the Falcons draft a more mobile quarterback. Arthur Blank hopes Bass’s long, dreamy, glowing locks make Falcons’ fans forget about their last franchise QB.

Lucy draper4. Oakland Raiders - Lucy Draper. K. (Necessary Roughness)
Sebastian Janikowski is 30 years old and was ineffective last year hitting only 23 of his 32 field goal attempts. Drafting Draper means an end to Seabass’s tenure in Oaktown, and though they will theoretically never be teammates, if we were Draper we wouldn’t leave our drinks unattended for the few practices just to be safe.

Billy Bob5. Kansas City Chiefs - Billy Bob. OL. (Varsity Blues)
The Chiefs are very old along their offensive line and Billy Bob will help to inject some youth into the unit. Though, Kansas City may want to check into rumors that Billy Bob has lost 500 or so pounds since he last played.

Al Bundy6. New York Jets - Al Bundy. RB. (Married With Children).
The Jets filled their needs at DT and OG through free agency and trades, so here they get running back to team with Thomas Jones. Though Bundy never played college football, the memory of his mythical four TD performance rocketed him up the Jets board.

Steve Lattimer7. New England Patriots - Steve Lattimer. LB. (The Program)
Lattimer dominated in his senior season at ESU and New England seems to be getting a steal here. The Patriots plan on using him as a linebacker in their 3-4. He immediately moves into the empty locker next to Rodney Harrison’s.

Rico Dynamite8. Baltimore Ravens - Rico Dynamite. QB. (Napolean Dynamite).
The Ravens haven’t learned from the past and again are targeting a QB based more on upside than results. Following Dynamite’s performance at his pro day, where at one point, he was rumored to have thrown a football over a mountain range, the Ravens were sold.

Ricky Baker9. Cincinatti Bengals - Ricky Baker. RB. (Boyz N The Hood).
Though Baker has had somewhat of a checkered past (poor test scores, a brother in a gang, a child born out of wedlock), the Bengals were nonetheless intrigued by his talent. He will battle Kenny Watson and Rudi Johnson for the starting job.

Bobby Boucher10. New Orleans Saints - Bobby Boucher. LB. (The Waterboy).
With the Saints having problems last season getting to the quarterback and with the water supply of New Orleans still in dire need of replenishment from Hurricane Katrina, local product Boucher makes perfect sense.

Charlie Tweeder11. Buffalo Bills - Charlie Tweeder. WR. (Varsity Blues).
The Bills look past some of Tweeder’s youthful transgressions and add another homerun hitter to their receiving crops. Our sources report that Tweeder plans on celebrating by drinking beer, ‘cause Tweeder drinks beer.

Ogre12. Denver Broncos - Fred “Ogre” Palowakski. OL. (Revenge Of The Nerds).
Denver’s offensive line has gotten old and Ogre helps them return to glory with his special brand of intensity. The Broncos can only hope that Palowakski’s irrational hatred of nerds does not affect his relationship with head coach Mike Shanahan.

Paul Blake13. Carolina Panthers - Paul Blake. QB. (Necessary Roughness).
As the Panthers demonstrated with Chris Weinke, they have no problem drafting QBs in their early 50’s. Blake’s slow Texas drawl should be easier to understand in the huddle than Delhomme’s excited, unintelligible Cajun Man impression.

Jonathan Moxon14. Chicago Bears - Jonathan Moxon. QB. (Varsity Blues).
After too many seasons of the Sex Cannon and the Neckbeard, Lovie Smith wants to draft a more cerebral QB, and fell in love with Moxon the combine, going as far as to let the QB knock a beer can off his head as to demonstrate his accuracy. Only time will tell if Moxon would rather read his playbook or Slaughterhouse 5.

Alvin Mack15. Detroit Lions - Alvin Mack. LB. (The Program).
The Lions were dead last in the NFL at stopping poo-butt motherfuckers so Mack will definitely help there. Mack was able to come back from serious knee surgery and is reportedly excited to buy his mother the house that goes along with that door-knocker. Unfortunately, that house will be in Detroit.

Julius Campbell16. Arizona Cardinals - Julius Campbell. DE. (Remember The Titans).
The Cardinals are looking for a guy to get after the passer and the athletic Campbell fits the bill. Although, rumors had surfaced earlier that the Cardinals liked Campbell’s teammate, Gerry Bertier, more, but um…..lets move on.

Stan Gable17. Minnesota Vikings - Stan Gable. QB. (Revenge Of The Nerds).
Brad Childress tells anyone listening that he is sold on Tarvaris Jackson as his quarterback. But the Vikings can’t pass on All American Boy, Stan Gable, here at 17. Our guess is that no matter where he’s drafted, he ends up living next door to our projected #6 pick.

Louie Lastik18. Houston Texans - Louie Lastik. OL. (Remember The Titans).
Finally, the Texans address their needs along the offensive line. Lastik also plans on starting a soul group with Mario Williams, Amobi Okoye and DeMeco Ryans, an agreement made after Lastik back off demands that he’d only play for Motown.

Daniel Ruetigger19. Philadelphia Eagles - Daniel Ruetigger. DE/LB. (Rudy).
Ruetigger didn’t see the field much, but it seemed that whenever he did, he got to the quarterback. Although he is vastly undersized (one coach described him as ‘Hobbit-like’), teams were blown away by his work ethic at the combine. The Eagles hope that Ruettiger picks up where Mike Mamula left off.

Tim Waymen20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tim Waymen. QB. (The Program).
Though both Waymen and Joe Kane project to go in the first round, the Heisman-winner Waymen is projected a little higher on teams draft boards, mostly because while Michigan has a strong pedigree of pro QBs, teams could not think of the last successful QB to emerge from ESU.

Ivory Christian21. Washington Redskins. Ivory Christian. DE. (Friday Night Lights).
The Redskins need a dominant defensive end and Christian fits the bill. An immediate and forceful presence in the locker room, you can also be sure he’ll let the Redskins know when they are playing like a bunch of little girls.

Darnell Jefferson22. Dallas Cowboys - Darnell Jefferson. RB. (The Program).
His impressive workout numbers had a lot of teams proclaiming “Gee Whiz Darnell!”. Jefferson split time with Ray Griffin at ESU, so he should be comfortable splitting time with Marion Barber. Jefferson has already promised that he will wear number 5, but his team will un-doob-it-tably be number one.

Andre Krimm23. Pittsburgh Steelers - Andre Krimm. DT. (Necessary Roughness).
Krimm will hold up blockers and teach the Steelers about astronomy as well. What will franchise QB Ben Roethlisberger think about the pick? I don’t know, do meatheads find Sinbad funny? Wait, does anyone find Sinbad funny?

Air Bud24. Tennessee Titans - Air Bud. WR. (Air Bud, Golden Retriever).
I have to admit, I’ve never seen any of the Air Bud movies, but from what I understand, it’s about a dog that catches footballs in it’s mouth. He has to be better than Roydell Williams, Justin Gage or Brandon Jones. He also scored two points higher on the Wonderlic than Vince Young.

Joe Kane25. Seattle Seahawks - Joe Kane. QB. (The Program).
An up-and-down season at ESU, punctuated with barfights, a DUI, and a stint in rehab drop the talented Kane down to the Seahawks, who have the luxury of letting Kane ride the bench for a season or two before eventually taking over the reigns from Matt Hasselback. Kane will also most likely have to enter the NFL’s substance abuse program upon being drafted.

Bud Light Kamenski26. Jacksonville Jaguars - Bud Light Kamenski. OL. (The Program).
It’s seems fitting that Joe Kane’s inseparable sidekick goes one spot after him. The Jaguars do not have a lot of holes, so here, they go best player available. Or best player named after beer available. Ride along lil’ doggies.

Boobie Miles27. San Diego Chargers - Boobie Miles. HB. (Friday Night Lights).
Miles was able to get back into playing shape through heavy rehabilitation. With Michael Turner off to Atlanta, Miles will be ready for those moments when LaDanian Tomlinson decides that sulking on the bench is more important than playing through injuries.

Spike Hammersmith28. Dallas Cowboys - Spike Hammersmith. LB. (Little Giants).
Hammersmith can play either full back or linebacker and the ‘boys see him as an OLB. The downside, however, is that like Terrell Owens, the Cowboys worry that Hammersmith is a mere mercenary who will only play hard when things are going well.

Stefan Djordevic29. San Francisco 49ers - Stefan Djordevic. DB. (All The Right Moves).
The Niners stop Djordevic’s free fall at 29. His stock fell when he only measured out at 5 foot 5 at the combine, but that doesn’t scare off San Fran since his hands were still twice the size of Niners QB Alex Smith’s muffin stumps with fingers.

Petey Jones30. Green Bay Packers - Petey Jones. DB. (Remember The Titans).
Turns out storylines centered around defensive backs aren’t all that interesting so DB’s are at a premium in this draft and Djordevic and Jones are clearly the best available. If you don’t believe us, ask Jones yourself. The Pack hopes he plays like a superstar instead of just acting like a scrub.

18-131. New England Patriots - Forfeit.
Forfeiting this pick was supposed to teach the Patriots organization and Bill Belichick a lesson but the stoic Belichick doesn’t seem to be affected when he addressed the media saying he doesn’t have a whole lot of interest in Hollywood type films and could spend the rest of his days simply watching his own home movies.

icebox32. New York Giants - Becky “The Icebox” O’Shea. FB. (Little Giants).
Rumors that O’Shea was considering cheerleading over football drops her to the the Giants who envision O’Shea as the lead blocker for Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw. The Giants main priority is keeping her the hell away from Jeremy Shockey.



Ann T Quittys thoughts said...

I guess Cleveland is so good they don't need a draft pick. Awesome!

VanBrujah said...

I noticed that Shane Falco is missing from that list.

So is Paul Crew (the original one).

Old said...

Cleveland traded their number one pick to Dallas last year. And with their wheeling and dealing this year do not have a pick in the first three rounds this draft. Enjoy being the 2005 Bengals, all offense and no defense.

Old said...

Also, I heard Brady Quinn's hobby is to go to Columbus and yell insults at gay people. Repressed much, Brady?