Sunday, March 16, 2008

Your Hero Chimes In On Ashley Alexandra Dupre


So as I am sure you all know, this fine example of an American dreamer has been at the center of some very sticky news as of late. Yes, Ms. Ashely Alexandra Dupre has been thoroughly pumped like a chemical toilet for information regarding her $4000 an hour tryst with Governor Spitzer. News outlets have stated that she worked for high-class escort service called the Emperor's Club which shockingly had their web site go down faster than a ten cent hooker on dollar night.

Of course Ms. Dupre considers herself a musician. Perhaps she is following the Madonna path to stardom in which she sleeps her way to the top, smelling of shame, desperation, and Old Spice.

Sadly, she'll likely parley this scandal into a record contract and more fame. Penthouse has already offered her a chance to spread her fame, so to speak, to the glossy pages of their spank magazine. Likely she'll make more than $4000 for the shoot so she should be all for it.

My burning question is this. What va-jayjay is worth $4000 an hour? I mean, is it made of gold and does it have a giant diamond in the middle of it like this:

Perhaps the best part of the whole thing is Ms. Dupre's MySpace page. You can check out her profile HERE (sfw). For starters she has her very own music single playing as her page opens up like the legs of a limber pole dancer. The song's not too bad and if that is her singing, she sounds like every other 17 to 25 year old wanna-be pop starlet.

Scrolling down the page we see her Friends List. Her top five contain:

Madonna -- notorious kaballah spewing, lesbian smooching, cross burning whore

Amy Winehouse -- crack whore

Whitney -- batshit crazy crack whore

Celine Dion -- one of these things is not like the other whores

Mary J Blige -- mediocre songstress and compulsive over actor in her videos

Seriously? These are your top five? No guys named "John" anywhere to be found? Scandalous.

Then we get her About Me blurb. I wholly expected a laundy list of Do's and Don'ts for her persective clients. Something like,

Will Do -- Rusty Trombones, Bulgarian Gas Masks, Dutch Ovens, Alabama Fudge Slide

Won't Do -- Donkey Punches, Dirty Sanchez's, Cleveland Steamers, Guys Names Skippy

Will Do For More Money -- Russian Bobsled, Mexican Blindfold, German Flashlight, Charlie Sheen

No, here's what she's written:

"I am all about my music, and my music is all about me… It flows from what I’ve been through, what I’ve seen and how I feel."

Does it make you feel sticky, broke, confused, and morally bankrupt? That's what I would assume at least considering...well. Anyway it goes on...left home at 17, blah blah, broke and homeless, blah blah, never dwell on the past...etc.

Not one mention of what we all really want to know about. Is Elliot Spitzer into kinky shit? Slept with Condi Rice? Does Karl Rove wear a Darth Vader mask if he was ever a client? Does Ted Kennedy get you drunk then push you into a wading pool?

But the best part of her MySpace page is the legion of desperate strokers who are leaving her messages. None of them have said what I have been wanting to say this whole time...

$4000? Really? For that? For one hour?

Granted, she likely can and is moderating the board and removing the more brutal queries., But the sad mass of dumbass dudes who are leaving her "supportive" messages just slays me. Here's one:

I heard that things are coming together in your favor, legally. Hope the same is true on the career/business side, as well!

What it means:

I want to plow you.

Another said:

YO YO holla at your boy i really hope you are ok i know you are cause you are a strong women and i hope you feel we helped you more then hurt you in speaking out about your music and how it wuz your dream to be a star and you are now on the road where you need to be it's Prophecy that Links Together rember that hope to hear from you soon... 1 love

What it means:

I'm Mr. Sensitive Wanna-be hip hopper with god awful grammar-nizzle who thinks if I show compassion you'll let me plow you.

Another Said:

Hey Ash now that you are gonna be rich and famous don't forget us little guys. You're on your way.

What it means:

I only have enough money to take you to Denny's. If I buy you a Grand Slam can I plow you?

And finally:

Keep ya head up !!

What it means:

Keep ya head up while I plow you.




2 comments:

MegaDisgruntled said...

Her snatch brought down the one guy that threatened to ruin online gambling in the US, thus eliminating my job.

Not even hundreds of congressmen could bring him down.

She may not be worth 4k for an hour, but she gets an extreme thank you from me. THANKS WHORE!!!!!

Morte

William said...

$4000 an hour?? Maybe I picked the wrong career. All I need is a little make-up, a tight dress and my lovely wife to teach me the fundamentals of walking in high heels....