Thursday, October 4, 2007

It's October...You Know What That Means... (commentary in super-evil red)

Suffer Not the Trick-or-Treaters

(Jesus, here we go again)
By Lori D'Augostine Associate Producer -- How can you resist? How could anyone refuse adorable little children all dressed up, longing for sweets? I could, and I did for years.

Truth be told, I was one of those irresistable (spelling error) children dressed up in a bunny costume, ringing your doorbell, and singing my "Trick or Treat" song. Yet I was hiding behind a mask, and you coudn't see the "real me." If you had, you may have noticed that what I really needed was more than just your candy (I swallow your soul).

Though I didn't grow up in a Christian household, my parents were very concerned with protecting me from harmful influences -- whether it be the cartoons I watched or the video games I played. They had no idea that their daughter was falling prey to a much more dangerous world that went beyond the physical, parental-controlled television set.

My interest in the spiritual realm began very innocently in elementary school. My girlfriends and I would play games such as "light as a feather, stiff as a board" at our birthday parties. It seemed like harmless fun, until my best friend was lifted into thin air by what seemed like more than just the two fingers that I placed beneath her( here is where the deviltry comes in...could it have been that you were really playing light as a feather, high as a kite?).

By fifth grade, I was fascinated with Friday the 13th and was convinced that "Jason" was peering through my windows at night. Now I realize that most children believe that there are monsters underneath their beds, but my fixation didn't go away.

In middle school, I met some friends who introduced me to another world. They told me that they could contact the dead and learn hidden secrets about their lives. I'll never forget the time I asked the ouija board who I would marry. It replied, "the Devil."(Maynard Says: Ouija boards are bullshit because you influence where the piece moves. And the drama of marrying the devil for some disenfranchised horror film loving kid is perfectly logical. Hello? I'm a scary goth-kid wanna be. The Devil is cool and stuff...donkey balls). That's when I knew that I was in a very dangerous place (Indeed, you realized what a total fucking loser you were).

Sadly, the demonic hauntings I experienced growing up are common among many young children today(Therapy?). I would venture to say that 20 years later, it has gotten much worse. The lures of the Enemy (Al Qaeda?) are running more rampant. Chidren (what the fuck are "chidren"?) do not have to sneak over to their friends' houses to access demonic influences. There are online ouija boards that require only a mouse, as well as thousands of Web sites that specifically recruit young people to join the occult (Well, obviously an internet ouija board is totally mystical in nature and prone to read the Devil's will in binary code. As Truth would say, shut yo goddamn ass up) .

Occultic-oriented rock performers have flourished in this generation. Some rockers even try to persuade teenage listeners to kill themselves and their parents (listening to Justin Timberlake makes me want to go on a rampage). The influence of the occult has been behind some of the most horrific school shootings of this past decade.

Seventeen-year-old Luke Woodham killed two students and wounded seven others in his Mississippi school after he became involved in Satanism, which he said bestowed "power over many things (of course there is no other possible explanation...bullying, mental illness, dysfunctional homelife, drug use, douchebaggery...)."

This is the state of some of the American children who are showing up at your doorstep on October 31st. I'm not saying that each of them are secret agents of the occult(00666...Lucifer...James Lucifer), yet it is important to consider the souls of the children behind the masks.

Did you ever wonder why Halloween seems to primarily feed off of a market of 3-13 year olds? This is a Satanic ploy for our children (cause the devil is all about marketing). I don't think that Christian children should completely abstain from the festivities of costumes and candy, because they can be a light through their alternative behavior. [I personally plan on dressing my children up in Biblical and God-honoring characters that will draw people to ask questions (or totally make fun of them...talking about setting up your kids to be total mooks for the rest of their lives).]

I'm talking to those of you who will be opening up your door to children of whom you do not know the state of their soul. Consider the gift that you offer them at your doorstep. Consider your options. There are many message-driven alternatives to offer, other than a bowl full of candy. For instance, there are Gospel tracts designed for trick-or-treaters that can be purchased online or at your Christian bookstore. You might also want to consider designing your own tracts or attaching scripture messages to the treats (now the shill).

Scripture Candy, the makers of Fish Mints™(taste the mercury and tuna goodness) contain wrappers that have scriptural text. Also, EvangeCandy,"the only candy with color-coded Gospels on every wrapper" are fun for children (I'm so sure those kids are going to READ the wrapper before tearing that bastard open and feeding their toxic sugar high).

Maynard Says: Where to start? Every year you hear the same scathing attacks on Halloween from the fundamentards. Every year Halloween comes and goes and the world keeps on spinning. Publishing an article riddled with typos and shoddy diction is no way to change one's opinion on the matter. I feel sorry for these kids because while all their friends will dressed as jedi and ninjas and princesses, they have to go out as Job (oozing shankers), Lazarus (zombie), Mary Magdalene (whore), or Moses (wizard).
Hey...wait a minute....


MegaDisgruntled said...

oh, and the perfect time of year for the Lost Tracks of Danzig to be released.

craig said...

Indeed where to start? I am a horrible speller and even I know when to click the ol' spell check button. Oh and name more than one popular recording artist in recent years that has played the overplayed Satan card that is not Marilyn "look at me I'm a Goth, grrrrrr" Manson. That's right, 0. So where are the hordes of "occult-oriented" rockers?
Perhaps this lady should stop worrying about harmless holidays and stop being a total douche and giving faith a bum wrap. Perhaps being a more tolerant and loving person would be a better testament to her faith instead of fearful and ignorant?