Wednesday, September 24, 2008

From TotalFarker Josh Anderson

In any civilization, people like to have good guys and bad guys. Davids and Goliaths. Sherrifs and outlaws. Angels and demons. Nowhere else can we see this more so that in the current race for the presidency. Democrats want Obama, Republicans want McCain. Both feel that they can clean up Washington and reform the federal government.

So let’s take these two guys and their sidekicks and see how they line up with another great battle between good and evil: Star Wars!

I’ll get the party started with the first six characters. Then, you submit an entry in which you offer your suggestions for the remaining characters, listed below.

George W. Bush is Darth Vader. Darth Bush is currently in command of the Death Star and runs the day to day operations. It is the goal of the Death Star to crush smaller insurrections that pose any threat to the Death Star’s power over the universe (in addition to fending off the Rebel Alliance). Its defenses are strong, and Darth Bush will use whatever means are necessary to show strength and power. Long ago, Darth Bush used to be quite different. In his “compassionate conservative” days, he desired to use his powers for good, but has now given in to the Dark Side after meeting one of his mentors, Darth Rove. It was Darth Rove who was the apprentice to Chancellor Palpatine and who guided Darth Bush through his Empire training.

Dick Cheney is Emperor Palpatine. Dick Palpatine has had many titles: Senator, Chancellor/Secretary, and secret ruler of the galaxy. While Darth Bush is on the frontlines running the show, it’s really Dick Palpatine who works in the shadows to advance a larger, more mysterious and infinitely more insidious plan for the future. Dick Palpatine relied heavily on Darth Rove to help mentor young Darth Bush. Unfortunately, Darth Rove was defeated by a young Obi-Wan Kenobi in a vicious battle. For now, however, it is Dick Palpatine who Darth Bush serves with unbending allegiance, though few realize the extent of Dick Palpatine’s influence.

John McCain is Obi Wan Kenobi. He is old and battle-worn, but can still kick some major ass when needed. Obi John Kenobi is known for his valiant battle and subsequent capture in the Clone Wars. Another notable battle was that of Obi John Kenobi and Darth Rove, in which Kenobi seemed to rise almost from the dead to defeat Darth Rove just prior to Kenobi taking power. More recently, Obi John Kenobi and Darth Bush have cut their once-amiable ties and are now mortal enemies.

Obama is Luke Skywalker. He’s new to the fight, and he’s eager to topple the Empire. Don’t mistake his naivete for a lack of courage or skill. To him, it’s just like killing womp rats back at Beggar’s canyon where he served as a community organizer. The force is extremely strong with him, but his elders worry that he hasn’t been properly tested. Obama Skywalker’s mission is nearly impossible: break through the Death Star’s defenses and explode it from the inside out. If he succeeds, he’ll forever have the gratitude of the Rebel Alliance.

Joe Biden is Han Solo. Reluctant but capable, this smart-alec with a quick brain and even quicker reflexes is an old pro at the uglier side of life in the galaxy. Joe Solo is a master of speed and can get from his home in Deleware to the US Capital in twelve parsecs. Initially, Joe Solo’s goal wasn’t to topple the evil Empire, but somewhere along the way, he gets a dose of morality and put his talents to good use. Joe Solo is haunted by his on-again, off-again relationship with the credit industry (like Capital One in Willmington, Deleware; or Jabba the Hut in wherever he lives).

Sarah Palin is Princess Leia. Beautiful and smart with a quick tongue to match, it is Princess Palin’s singular goal to infiltrate the Death Star and expose its weaknesses. First, though, she must pass along her battle plans to Obi John Kenobi - and it took Obama Skywalker to do it, otherwise Obi John would never have paid much attention to her. Unfortunately, Princess Palin was held prisoner by the evildoers who sought to silence her.

Ok, so here’s the contest. Take the following characters and find their real-world campaign equivalent. A full entry will have at least three comparisons. Post your entries by 6:00pm (central time) on Thursday, September 25th:

1. Chewbacca

2. C3P0

3. R2D2

4. Boba Fett

5. Yoda

6. Admiral Ackbar

7. Lando Calrission

Good luck!! Check back frequently to see everyone’s entries.

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