Saturday, August 11, 2007

Morty's Greatest Movie Moment

So Morty has been giving me his usual critical ear-full of just about everything I've posted thus far. Am I surprised? No. Simply put, Morty is not happy unless he is bitching about something. At the Squid's casa for Monday Night Raw (or as his wife called it, our Monday night circle-jerk) it was either too hot or too cold or Squid was too lame or not lame enough or Squid's toilet paper was too rough or he didn't have enough. You name it, he'd have a complaint about it. That's why today I am going to celebrate the one movie Morty never complained about: Galactic Gigolo.

Before we start, yes this is a real movie, yes Morty did choose, and no, Morty WAS indeed there and it wasn't somebody else who dragged this abortion on film over to my house to make Quatto, Squid, and I watch it.

"Where Did You Find Me, Morty?"

The images here and some of the commentary come courtesy of

The film opens with your protagonist above winning an intergalactic game show called "You Bet Your Fertilizer". The winner of said show gets transmogrified into a human being and spends a week on earth trying to score with bimbos as his prize for winning.

That's the best it gets right there.

So, according to this galaxy far, far away, the state of Connecticut houses the loosest women on earth and so our hero, dressed to kill in a silver Elvis jumpsuit arrives. Once here, he runs afoul of Jewish rednecks, the Goldbergs, who not only hate Elvis but seem to think our hero is some sort of queer-o-sexual. Morty sure knows how to pick em.

"Suck Lead, F*cker" -- Academy Award Winning Stuff

Alas, our hero is smarter than the typical Jewish redneck and outsmarts them by hiding in a tree branch a towering 8 feet off the ground. He then flees to the city where he holds a press conference to tell the gaggle of assembled B-Level hootchie reporters that he's here to score with loose earth women. Way to network pal. Asked if he plans on forcing himself on some young feminine tenderoni, your Gigolo answers that he's never force himself onto a woman. Rather, he would wow them with his incredible "mind powers" to get them all horned up. But he never has to resort to using his mind powers as the lesson of this film is that hot, loopy bitches get all turned on by slightly tubby, greasy intergalactic broccoli men dressed like Elvis in drag. Which, by the way, is how Morty works the room at nudie bars.

"Show me the Question Mark, Baby!!"

Ahh but it gets better than that as the Mob has their own insidious plans for our hero. Using his mind powers to rob banks.

"You Might Say, Why The Gay Suit?"

While the Mob plots, the galactic gigolo enjoys the massive breasts of Dr. Ruth Pepper. Get it? Dr. Pepper? A barrel of laughs. Granted, this is no Rhinestone. But the jewish rednecks somehow get wind of his whereabouts and the comedy really ensues. One redneck just wants to "tie up the one with the hooters" while another redneck holds his shotgun backwards. Abbott and Costello couldn't pull that off. But before the rednecks can rub the gigolo out and rub one off themselves, the Mob shows up. The battle royal ensues. You can actually watch it here:


You have been warned. The nexus of suck that this film is might make you go blind by merely glimpsing this 2 minute clip.

His foes vanquished and women satisfied, our hero returns to the quiet life of a stellar broccoli.

Really, what more needs to be said. So if you have some money you're thinking about peeing on for fun and games, think about how much better it could be spent on this movie, available on It comes with a lengtrh of rope to hang yourself afterwards.

1 comment:

MegaDisgruntled said...

Do not watch this movie sober!