As Promised -- 5 Ways Quatto Owes Me $8000

When I first began to brainstorm for this topic, I wasn't sure if I could get five reasons for Quatto to owe me big time. But as the minutes churned by, 5 reasons became 10 -- then 20 -- then 50 -- and so on. So I did some cutting and combining and here is what we are left with.

Number Five -- Quatto's Capret Fresh Habit

Some people do cocaine. Some people do mushrooms. Quatto does Carpet Fresh ... about 25 pounds of it all over the basement floor. Quatto had apparently left a "love explosion" or somethng all over the basement floor one time and dropped a ass-load of carpet cleaner onto it. Nice large track of fine, white powder all over the floor. Our Dad, the George W. Bush of drug detection, comes home to find all this crap on the floor that has now grown clumpy at the dampness of the basement. He assumes that Quatto has some $10,000 Dollar coke habit and corners me about it. I, innocent as usual, tell the old man I know nothing of it. The old man then goes all Batman on Quatto and interrogates him about the Carpet Fresh. The arguing, the crying, disappointment flooding the home caused me great mental duress and would become the first of many times I would have to cover Quatto for his recreational carpet fresh drug habit. Not to mention his pill-popping lock box full of "vitamins" he had in his car. His excuse? "Oh those aren't mine, man. I'm holding them for a friend". Right On.

Number Four: Quatto the Back Yard Terrorist

Quatto then would top his mental cruelty with unwavering physical and emotional trauma by chasing me around the backyard with a variety of lawn, garden, and workshop implements. His two favorites were the weeds-whacker and the propane torch. Usually this boy scout behavior took place when the parents were away and Quatto would be decked out in a welder's mask.
Then he would try to run me down with the riding mower (the push mower was too much work), shoot water at me with the hose, or try to drown me in the swimming pool. What the hell Boy Scout Badge was that one, Quatto?

Number Three: Destroying my Toys -- Part One

My parents didn't have a lot of money. If they had, I'm sure Quatto would have gotten the therapy he needed growing up. Due to the money issue, our parents buying us really cool toys was a real treat. One such treat was my 2 foot tall working Rodan monster from the Godzilla flicks. I already had the Godzilla figure and massive battles destroying Tokyo (my sandbox) were dancing through my head. But, as it was a Christmas gift, those battles would have to wait till Springtime. But Quatto decided that Rodan's working jaws were the perfect place to stuff an M80 into. So, with much Quatto fanfare, he stuffed the M80 into Rodan's mouth and blew his jaws off mere months after getting the toy. I was devastated. Quatto, of course, denied everything. Somehow, Rodan blew his own jaws up or else Mom or Dad did it. Still working on that Truthiness badge.

Number Two: General Douchebaggery

This is a catch-all category of Quatto's finer moments of trying to shill me for money or get me to shit for him or keep him out of trouble. Things under this category include:

"Gimme your allowance"
"Gimme your paycheck"
"Buy me some smokes"
"Gimme your credit card so I can buy a motorcycle"
"Don't tell the parents I crashed the truck into the ditch as an underage driver"
"Hide my porn, err, art films for me"
"Stash my bag in your closet"
"Get lost"
"I hope you die"
"Go upstairs, I'm trying to bang some chick in my bedroom"
"Your music is gay"
"You were adopted"
"Mom loves me more than you"
"Dad is going to sell you to the gypsies"

And so on. The quotes and examples are too numerous to post under his general douchebaggery. Suffice to say, his douchery is greater than most.

Number One: Scruffy's Diet of Action Figures

Oh yeah, save the best for last. We had this really cute mutt of a dog named Scruffy who developed a fetich for eating plastic from the day we brought him home from the shelter. Quatto, like Gargamel, hatches his insidious plot to stunt my emotional growth for the rest of my life by opting to feed my rather large and pristine condition ORIGINAL series Star Wars figure to the dog. To make it worse, Quatto, like f'ing Frederico Fellini, decides to save the event(s) for posterity by either filming it with the movie camera or taking Polaroids of the carnage. Then, to make matters worse, he'd invite over his old hoodlum friends to share the joy of my wrecked childhood by having them join in. They'd construct elaborate plots wherein Luke Skywalker would be buggering Greedo and then the Scruffy Monster would storm in and eat them both. On film. Christ what an A-hole.

So there it is. Five Reasons why Quatto owes me AT LEAST eight grand. Mental cruelty, emotional trauma, the loss of my Rodan, and the ravaging of a slew of Star Wars figures I could probably sell in 20 years and put my kid through college.

But with interest, and Quatto's abject denial of the above events by using the famed "Morty Defense" (I wasn't there, it wasn't me, that never happened. Stinkfist) I figure his debt to me will grow steadily year by year. When Sara is ready for college, I figure Quatto will be paying for at least two years worth of Room, Board, and Textbooks.

George Bush -- Poisoning Minds and Children

Efforts to crack down on lead paint thwarted by China, Bush Administration

By Kevin G. Hall | McClatchy Newspapers

WASHINGTON — The Bush administration and China have both undermined efforts to tighten rules designed to ensure that lead paint isn't used in toys, bibs, jewelry and other children’s products.

Both have fought efforts to better police imported toys from China.

Now both are under increased scrutiny following last week’s massive toy recall by Mattel Inc., the world’s largest toymaker. The recalls of Chinese-made toys follow several other lead-paint-related scares since June that have affected products featuring Sesame Street characters, Thomas the Train and Dora the Explorer.

Lead paint is toxic when ingested by children and can cause brain damage or death. It’s been mostly banned in the United States since the late 1970s, but is permitted in the coating of toys, providing it amounts to less than six hundred parts per million.

The Bush administration has hindered regulation on two fronts, consumer advocates say. It stalled efforts to press for greater inspections of imported children’s products, and it altered the focus of the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), moving it from aggressive protection of consumers to a more manufacturer-friendly approach.

“The overall philosophy is regulations are bad and they are too large a cost for industry, and the market will take care of it,” said Rick Melberth, director of regulatory policy at OMBWatch, a government watchdog group formed in 1983. “That’s been the philosophy of the Bush administration.”

Today, more than 80 percent of all U.S. toys are now made in China and few of them get inspected.

“We’ve been complaining about this issue, warning it is going to happen, and it is disappointing that it has happened,” said Tom Neltner, a co-chairman of the Sierra Club’s national toxics committee.

The recent toy recalls — along with the presence of lead in vinyl baby bibs and children’s jewelry — are prompting the Bush administration to take a deeper look at the safety of toys and other imported products.

President Bush has asked the Department of Health and Human Services to report in September on ways to better ensure safe imports. He's also asked the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to consider responses to lead paint threats to children.

But as recently as last December, the Sierra Club sued the Bush administration after the Environmental Protection Agency rebuffed a petition to require health and safety studies for companies that use lead in children’s products. The EPA and Sierra Club settled out of court in April, with the administration agreeing to write a letter to the CPSC that expressed concern about insufficient quality control on products containing lead.

The Sierra Club’s interest in lead paint in children's products grew out of the largest-ever CPSC-conducted recall. That action on July 8, 2004, targeted 150 million pieces of Chinese-made children's jewelry sold in vending machines across the United States. Since 2003, the commission has conducted about 40 recalls of children’s jewelry because of high levels of lead.

In March 2006, a 4-year-old Minnesota boy died of lead poisoning after swallowing a metal charm that came with Reebok shoes. The charm was found to contain more than 90 percent lead.

Richard F'n Marx

So Morty has revealed to us his secret love for Richard Marx, even going to a Richard Marx concert. I can only think of 5 reasons why Morty would go see Richard Marx. Tell me your choice in our new POLL found at the bottom of the page!!!

Something Cool

Recently, our little home has been receiving a gaggle of solicitation phone calls from several places. The most notable is L S Inc. which calls at least once a day but never leaves us a message. So while trolling the net I found this little web page that is essentially a phone call trace. Now I know that LS Inc. is located in Milwaukee and I still have no idea what they want. But I at least know where they are. Buu-hahahahaha.

Check it out.

Reverse Phone Look-Up

Finally an R2 Unit That Speaks Squid's Language

Yet Another Self-Loathing Homosexual Republican

Idaho's Craig Arrested in June at Minnesota Airport
Posted by JOHN MCINTYRE

Breaking news from Roll Call:

Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) was arrested in June at a Minnesota airport by a plainclothes police officer investigating lewd conduct complaints in a men's public restroom, according to an arrest report obtained by Roll Call Monday afternoon.

Craig's arrest occurred just after noon on June 11 at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. On Aug. 8, he pleaded guilty to misdemeanor disorderly conduct in the Hennepin County District Court. He paid more than $500 in fines and fees, and a 10-day jail sentence was stayed. He also was given one year of probation with the court that began on Aug. 8.

A spokesman for Craig described the incident as a "he said/he said misunderstanding," and said the office would release a fuller statement later Monday afternoon.

After he was arrested, Craig, who is married, was taken to the Airport Police Operations Center to be interviewed about the lewd conduct incident, according to the police report. At one point during the interview, Craig handed the plainclothes sergeant who arrested him a business card that identified him as a U.S. Senator and said, "What do you think about that?" the report states.

Craig was detained for approximately 45 minutes, interviewed, photographed, fingerprinted and released, and police prepared a formal complaint for interference with privacy and disorderly conduct.

The Pussification of America's Youth Continues

A few minutes of ‘300’ too much for some middle school’s parents

By Victor Alvis
Dalton Daily Citizen

A screening Wednesday of the first few minutes of the R-rated movie “300” in a Westside Middle School classroom has left more than one parent and some students upset.

Richard Schoen, executive director of assessment and accountability for Whitfield County Schools, said about five minutes of the movie was shown.

According to two parents, history teacher Brad Barrett showed the first 7-9 minutes of the movie as part of his class. Barrett could not be reached for comment.

“My daughter came home from school yesterday distraught, saying her teacher showed her an R-rated movie. I was shocked,” said parent Tina McCurley. “I found out it was the ‘300.’ It was the first time I’d heard of the movie, so I went online (to www.ChristianAnswers.net) to read the reviews. They described it as a pornographic slaughter movie with prolonged scenes of female nudity, sex acts, lesbian and homosexual content.”

The Internet Movie Database, www.IMDb.com, says “300” is based on Frank Miller’s graphic novel concerning the 480 B.C. Battle of Thermopylae, in which the King of Sparta led his army of 300 against the advancing Persians; the battle is said to have inspired all of Greece to band together against the much larger Persian army and helped to usher in the world’s first democracy.

Schoen said on Thursday that administrators have investigated the incident and confirmed only about a five-minute clip of the movie was shown.

“I watched it with the principal (Stan Stewart). The clip had no profanity, no nudity, no violence,” he said. “It depicts a Spartan boy and the process he went through in attempting to attain manhood. We didn’t find it disturbing and thought it was appropriate to the lesson. There were no battle scenes. The clip starts with a boy as a baby and ends as he enters the army.”

Schoen confirmed one scene depicts the boy using a spear to protect himself from a wolf. The violence is shown off screen via a shadow on a wall, he said.

“Most sixth-graders are 12 years old,” Schoen said. “This is not something that age group is not reasonably exposed to on today’s television.”

Schoen said movies shown at the middle school level should be on an approved list, available from the school media center or pre-approved by the principal.

“This one wasn’t,” he said. “That is something we will deal with. We will handle that as a personnel issue in an appropriate manner.”

Schoen did not say how long Barrett has been a teacher, but he said Barrett is not new to the profession.

“From what I’m hearing, the teacher showed it to them to get them ready to study ... that time period, so they could understand what it was like then,” McCurley said. “From everything I’ve read, the previews and the trailer, I don’t feel the movie is appropriate for these students. If movie theaters can’t show rated-R movies without a parent present, how can they do this in the schools?”

McCurley said she wants her daughter removed from the class.

“My daughter could not sleep last night, and I’ve heard many others couldn’t either,” she said, allowing she sees nothing wrong with the movie’s first five minutes. “We don’t know how much he showed to them. The students were not sitting there looking at their watches. I don’t care if it was one minute. ‘R’ movies have no place in our schools.”

A mother of another child in the class said she finds it upsetting that the movie was shown to new middle-schoolers during the second full week of school.

“We don’t allow R-rated movies in our home. It’s humiliating for Westside, but I can see where the teacher had a history lesson he was trying to get across,” she said. “I hate it for the school and the teacher. I know he was trying to hook them into being interested in that war and that age.”

The parent said her daughter is part of a gender-based classroom of all girls, and she understands mixed-gender classes saw it, too.

“We’re having mass killings in schools, then they show this movie. My daughter was very confused and took it at a different level,” she said. “Parents should be notified beforehand. My child would not have gone to school that day if I had been told. I told her, ‘If they put it back in (Thursday), call me.’”

See It If You Dare

Just for the Squid

Susanna Hoffs doing sultry live version of "Feel Like Making Love". Megaton Maynard would like to bump her grind. Giggity.

Cake Covering War Pigs

Mega-Maynard's Rockfest continues with this little number.

Zappa -- Stairway to Heaven -- Cleveland -- 1988

Ozzy and Zappa Do "Stayin' Alive" -- Pure F'ing Genius

Behold!

And Luke said, "One of you be my Father..."
And Vader said, "Check please"

Poll Results!

By a wide margin, my faithful readers have chosen Morty's favorite team for the 2007-2008 season as "Whoever is in first place by Week 12".

Time for new poll then. At the bottom of the page is this week's poll topic. Vote early and vote often.

Also, a huge day for postings as THREE NEW POSTS have been put up today.

Betcha It Was Cap'n America

WWII Airman Found Frozen On Sierra Nevada Glacier

(AP) FRESNO, Calif. Hikers have discovered the remains of a man believed to be a missing World War II airman atop a Sierra Nevada glacier.

Authorities say the human remains were found in a high alpine region of Kings Canyon National Park on Wednesday. They were located about 100 feet from where climbers spotted the ice-entombed body of another World War II-era airman in October of 2005.

The Fresno County Coroner's Office is overseeing the retrieval of the remains, which are scheduled to arrive in Fresno tonight.

Military anthropologists will analyze the body, which they believe could correspond to one of three men flying with Mustonen when their AT-7 navigational plane disappeared after takeoff from a Sacramento airfield on Nov. 18th, 1942.

A blizzard is believed to have caused the crash that killed Mustonen, pilot William Gamber and aviation Cadets John Mortenson and Ernest Munn.

Religious Extremists worshipping their False Idol

Watch out for Mad Elephants

Megaton Maynard's Mustard Storm

Megaton Maynard has no time for romance as crime fighting takes up a goodly portion of your hero's day. However, Megaton Maynard has been known to make exceptions for some exceptional ladies. Like Sudsy Bubblestein from the Noggin Network.

A Battle of Epic Proportions

Fatherhood

This is me and my Dad. My Dad was my hero growing up. He always told me that he could do anything and my childhood innocence believed it. As I grew older, we had our share of fights, disagreements, and shouting matches that I chalk up today to the stubborn streak of independence I was searching for as a teen and young man.

But over the last few years as I have seen my Father get older, I look upon those times I spent with a more appreciative eye. My Dad was a great man and I appreciate him and his sacrifices he made for his family more and more as the weeks pass.

My Dad worked a 40-hour a week factory job, carried the clock as security for the same factory on weekends, and painted houses on the side. The fact he had any time left for his three kids is a miracle. But he always did. He always had time to take me to the doctors every Saturday morning for 15 years. He always had time to play catch or throw a football or teach me something about the mysteries of life. He was honest and forthright and told me like it was.

For a long time I never knew if I wanted a child of my own. I put off the the idea for a variety of reasons. But as I got older, met Jen, and we started to seriously talk about kids, I had a change of heart.

I wanted my Father to hold my child in his arms before that opportunity would be lost with age and frailty. I wanted to see my life come full circle and to see the joy between Grandfather and Grandchild. My Grandfather died when I was young and I miss him. But more than that, I miss knowing him. My older siblings had the opportunity to "know" their Grandfather and I wanted my daughter to have at least some of that.

I very much look forward to telling my daughter about the hero that was and is my Dad. I look forward to telling her about his life, his service to the nation, his sacrifices for his family, and his kindness. I only hope that I can be half the father to my daughter that my father was to me and that he will be proud of what I have accomplished in my own life.

Our daughter is named after my Dad's Mother, Sara Williams. She passed when he was very young and so I only know her from pictures and remembrances. I wanted to name my Daughter Sara so that my Father could get to know another Sara that, like his Mother, would be a small part of his life.

I love you, Dad.

I am Shocked! Well, Not Really. . .

Fox News Changes Wikipedia To Smear Rivals; Comprehensive List of Changes

14 Aug, 2007

By Brian Boyko

There are a few news stories breaking about people editing Wikipedia - including the CIA, Diebold, and U.S. Congressional Offices.

O’Reilly Media (the techie O’Reilly) has come out with information detailing that Fox News has been changing entries on Wikipedia as well - including one on Al Franken’s case with Bill O’Reilly (the caustic O’Reilly).

So we went ahead and took a look at other changes to Wikipedia allegedly made by the people from the Fox News offices - the changes originating from IP address “12.167.224.228“. (Here’s the DNS lookup for 12.167.224.228.) We’ve done the legwork of poring through all the edits and published a comprehensive list below, omitting corrections of minor errors and clarifications of fact, i.e., the innocuous. The following below are clearly anything but, however.

Below, you’ll find changes that were made by IP address 12.167.224.228, which resolves to Fox News. Changes are to the articles “Keith Olbermann”.

CHANGES TO: “KEITH OLBERMANN”

REMOVED

Ultimately, Olbermann’s dissatisfaction with Bristol contributed to his departure from ESPN in 1997. Even several years after his departure, many people still consider Olbermann to be one of the best anchors that SportsCenter ever had, and his pairing with Dan Patrick the best tandem ever.

In high school, Olbermann compiled an extensive list of first and third base coaches in baseball history. This documentation now sits in the Hall of Fame, and is considered the definitive compendium of first and third base coaches in baseball history.

… mocking O’Reilly’s purported fetish for loofah sponges, as alleged in a sexual harrassment suit against O’Reilly.

According to Dash Riprock of americanpolitics.com, Olbermann “tells the truth, and he does it in a sharp, subtlety stated, but unmistakable style. It’s sad to realize that it is truly such an oddity these days to see someone with those qualities on TV.” [http://www.americanpolitics.com/20030401punditpap.html]

CHANGED
From

On Monday, August 8, 2005, the day following [[Peter Jennings]]’s death from lung cancer, Olbermann revealed on-air that he had had a benign, fibrous tumor removed from the roof of his mouth just ten days earlier. In an explicit and controversial monologue, he attributed his tumor (and the resulting fear and pain) directly to his 27-year habit of smoking pipes and cigars. He vigorously urged his viewers not to wait until they see symptoms to quit. “Do whatever you have to do to stop smoking - now. While it’s easier.” According to [[Don Imus]] on the following morning’s [[Imus In The Morning]] broadcast, that statement nearly got Olbermann fired.

To

On Monday, August 8, 2005, the day following [[Peter Jennings]]’s death from lung cancer, Olbermann revealed on-air that he had had a benign, fibrous tumor removed from the roof of his mouth just ten days earlier. In an explicit and controversial monologue, he attributed his tumor (and the resulting fear and pain) directly to his 27-year habit of smoking pipes and cigars. He was taken to task inthe blogosphere for trying to make the story about himself the day after news veteran Peter Jennigs passed away from lung cancer. According to [[Don Imus]] on the following morning’s [[Imus In The Morning]] broadcast, that statement nearly got Olbermann fired.

From

O’Reilly’s show, ”[[The O’Reilly Factor]]”, airs on the Fox News Channel at the same time as Olbermann’s show on MSNBC, garnering ratings six times higher than Olbermann’s.

To

O’Reilly’s show, ”[[The O’Reilly Factor]]”, airs on the Fox News Channel at the same time as Olbermann’s show on MSNBC, garnering ratings ten times higher than Olbermann’s.

(Keep an eye on this change in particular)
From

Some conservatives feel that Olbermann’s reporting carries a liberal bias.

To

Conservatives feel that Olbermann’s reporting carries a liberal bias.

ADDED

This move was widely ciritcized by the the media and the blogosphere and Olbermann was attacked for making the death of news icon Peter Jennings about himself.

In Conclusion: There is no doubt that Wikipedia will, by design, have credibility problems. In addition to these, we found other (admittedly minor and less numerous) edits by the IP address that traces to Fox News that add more information to a story, clarify or correct, and manage to do what editors to Wikipedia should do. But the above listed edits are clearly designed not to get to the truth. If I was at Fox News, ostensibly a journalist, my first order of business would be finding out who, what, when, where, why, and how these edits were made. Were they made, as the IP suggests, from Fox’s offices? Was it an intern? A janitor? Rupert? Get to the bottom of the story - and if at the end of it, Fox is at fault, they should seriously apologize - not just to their viewers but to the entire Wikipedia community.

Emergency and Disaster Service

There is this awesome website out of Budapest that tracks various environmental or man-made disasters across the globe. The page might call up in some odd Euro language but there is a link at the top to translate to English.
Care to see what's happening in China? Earthquake in South America? Chemical spill in Australia? It's all here.

http://hisz.rsoe.hu/alertmap/index.php?smp=&lang=eng

Red, White, and Splooge

Jamie Summers, 80's b-movie adult actress and long standing Morty fan, reads Red, White, and Huge every day! Says Summers, "Between money shots and visits to my many therapists, Megaton Maynard and his Amazing Blog help to just put me a in a good place. Like a reverse cow-girl or the piledriver. Megaton Maynard's blog is true taste of the mustard of life he and his super-hero companions work so hard to preserve. If I weren't a happily married born-again psycho, then Megaton Maynard would be my Red, White, and Whoooh!".

Our movie poll is over and Blazing Saddles won running away. But now it is a new week and new poll.

Morty, my best pal from back in the day, used to be a major Pittsburgh Steeler fan. Being a NE Ohioan, it's not unusual to see retarded people select the Steelers as their team. However, as he grew older, he then began to like other teams.

Bills during their four year Super Bowl run
Falcons (as witnessed by his red velvet Atlanta Falcons cowboy hat)
Chargers today

And so on. It would seem, as Squid pointed out, that Morty likes whoever is good and has little loyalty to any team that goes in the crapper. Squid points out Morty's irrational love for the Yankees as another sign that Morty only likes the best. Last year he was also singing the praises of the Chargers and LaDanian Tomlinson untill they lost in the conference final.

So this year, who will be Morty's favorite team? Vote below. Vote early. Vote Often.

Morty's Greatest Movie Moment

So Morty has been giving me his usual critical ear-full of just about everything I've posted thus far. Am I surprised? No. Simply put, Morty is not happy unless he is bitching about something. At the Squid's casa for Monday Night Raw (or as his wife called it, our Monday night circle-jerk) it was either too hot or too cold or Squid was too lame or not lame enough or Squid's toilet paper was too rough or he didn't have enough. You name it, he'd have a complaint about it. That's why today I am going to celebrate the one movie Morty never complained about: Galactic Gigolo.

Before we start, yes this is a real movie, yes Morty did choose, and no, Morty WAS indeed there and it wasn't somebody else who dragged this abortion on film over to my house to make Quatto, Squid, and I watch it.

"Where Did You Find Me, Morty?"

The images here and some of the commentary come courtesy of badmovies.org.


The film opens with your protagonist above winning an intergalactic game show called "You Bet Your Fertilizer". The winner of said show gets transmogrified into a human being and spends a week on earth trying to score with bimbos as his prize for winning.

That's the best it gets right there.

So, according to this galaxy far, far away, the state of Connecticut houses the loosest women on earth and so our hero, dressed to kill in a silver Elvis jumpsuit arrives. Once here, he runs afoul of Jewish rednecks, the Goldbergs, who not only hate Elvis but seem to think our hero is some sort of queer-o-sexual. Morty sure knows how to pick em.

"Suck Lead, F*cker" -- Academy Award Winning Stuff

Alas, our hero is smarter than the typical Jewish redneck and outsmarts them by hiding in a tree branch a towering 8 feet off the ground. He then flees to the city where he holds a press conference to tell the gaggle of assembled B-Level hootchie reporters that he's here to score with loose earth women. Way to network pal. Asked if he plans on forcing himself on some young feminine tenderoni, your Gigolo answers that he's never force himself onto a woman. Rather, he would wow them with his incredible "mind powers" to get them all horned up. But he never has to resort to using his mind powers as the lesson of this film is that hot, loopy bitches get all turned on by slightly tubby, greasy intergalactic broccoli men dressed like Elvis in drag. Which, by the way, is how Morty works the room at nudie bars.

"Show me the Question Mark, Baby!!"

Ahh but it gets better than that as the Mob has their own insidious plans for our hero. Using his mind powers to rob banks.

"You Might Say, Why The Gay Suit?"

While the Mob plots, the galactic gigolo enjoys the massive breasts of Dr. Ruth Pepper. Get it? Dr. Pepper? A barrel of laughs. Granted, this is no Rhinestone. But the jewish rednecks somehow get wind of his whereabouts and the comedy really ensues. One redneck just wants to "tie up the one with the hooters" while another redneck holds his shotgun backwards. Abbott and Costello couldn't pull that off. But before the rednecks can rub the gigolo out and rub one off themselves, the Mob shows up. The battle royal ensues. You can actually watch it here:

Http://www.badmovies.org/multimedia/moviesl/ggigolo1.mpg

You have been warned. The nexus of suck that this film is might make you go blind by merely glimpsing this 2 minute clip.

His foes vanquished and women satisfied, our hero returns to the quiet life of a stellar broccoli.

Really, what more needs to be said. So if you have some money you're thinking about peeing on for fun and games, think about how much better it could be spent on this movie, available on Amazon.com. It comes with a lengtrh of rope to hang yourself afterwards.

No Wonder Vader Breathes Hard

I'm all about the femtroopers. God bless hot chicks who give sci-fi geeks a flicker of hope that not everyone who is into cons are mooks. Hell, I'd join just so that I could check out her small thermal exhaust port, just below her main port. Giggity.

Quaker Square Bought by Akron University

UA Buys Quaker Square Complex

Akron, Ohio, June 13, 2007 — A beloved local landmark is gaining a new owner and a new purpose. The historic Crowne Plaza Quaker Square complex has been sold to The University of Akron as the latest step in its New Landscape for Learning campus enhancement initiative.

At its regular meeting today, The University of Akron's Board of Trustees approved the $22,679,000 purchase of the 9-acre property at 135 S. Broadway St. from Jay Nusbaum on behalf of Quaker Square Properties. The University expects to be able to move in to the facility after Jan. 1, 2008. A transition team will be formed to deal with issues related to the purchase and renovation into University facilities, including accommodating upcoming booked events and working with the current office tenants.

The purchase is pending approval from the Chancellor of the Ohio Board of Regents and the State of Ohio Controlling Board.

Quaker Square provides a unique and valuable addition to the University, according to UA President Luis M. Proenza.

“The University sees many exciting uses for this wonderful property,” says Ted Curtis, UA's vice president for capital planning and facilities management. “From office space and student housing and academic opportunities, to a sizable parking area and other amenities, the Quaker Square complex offers our University community an incredible new base of operations for a variety of uses.

Listed in the National Register of Historic Places, the hotel was constructed from the 19th century mills and silos that were the beginnings of the Quaker Oats Co. In March 1973, plans were announced to redevelop the vacant buildings, and on April 1, 1975, Quaker Square was opened with four shops and an ice cream parlor.


MAYNARD SAYS: This is both awesome and totally sucks. I realize that Quaker Square has been suffering financially even with the revitalization of Akron downtown, and I am happy to see it will be preserved by the school. But, as Kid Yeti will agree, where the hell was all this expansion and renovation when I was going to school there? Since I graduated, they renovated the dorms, the student center, several classroom buildings and tore down Spiocer Hall. Now this. The fix is in, I tell ya.

Morty, What The Hell Is The Attraction?

Floored, I Was

As a lifelong Ohioan, I have never said I was impressed with a single politician in this state. Governor Taft made Ohio a veritable island of ignorance and Senators Voinovich and Brown are both tools. But this past weekend I watched the AFL-CIO Democratic Debates and I was totally impressed with Dennis Kucinich, shown here with his hot wife.
Kucinich was sharp, witty, and engaging and stole the show at many points during the debate. He's been avidly pro-labor, ant-nafta, and against the war in Iraq since the start. Granted, he doesn't have a snowballs chance in hell of beating Hillary v2.0 but at long last I can say, "Yes, I know who the hell Dennis Kucinich is and I'm proud to say that".

Good News Everyone -- Futurama is Back, Baby!

Jason Lee + Sonic Youth = Awesomeness

New Poll is Up!

Seems that Blogspot got the defective Poll codes fixed so the new one is posted. When it's all over, maybe we could have some. . . waffles. Bitches.

So Skippy Dropped By Last Night

Someone Loves Me

Where da White Women At?

Ah Blazing Saddles. A movie that would never be made today. Mel Brooks' directing with Richard Pryor's writing made this movie one of the funniest, craziest, and racist charged films of all times. The subtlety of Brooks using over-the-top racism as a social commentary on the stupidity of white society is largely lost on many of the PC-Friendly, touchy-feely crowd today.

Blazing Saddles has everything. Toilet Humor, sex appeal, action, physical comedy, great one-liners, unexpected twists, a stellar cast, and one of the most bizarre endings ever to a film.

What in the wide world a sports is a-goin on here!

Among my favorite scenes:

1) Where Cleavon Little takes himself hostage after arriving as the new sheriff.
2) The introduction of the hard-drinking Cisco Kid
3) Madeleine Khan in everything she did
4) As above, everything with Headley Lamar
5) the introduction of Mel Brooks as the cross-eyed, pervert governor
6) Mongo
7) The infamous baked-beans scene
8) The singing of the negro spiritual
9) The hangman during the public execution scene
10) The climactic fight scene at the end

I suppose a big part of the appeal of Blazing Saddles is the impropriety of the film in the 21st century. Like a sitcom set in a concentration camp (Hogan's Heroes) this film concept would never make it past overly sensitive American values today.

A wise man (the Coach) once told me that American's do not have the Constitutional right of NOT being offended. At the time I thought he was just plastered and talking out of his ass. But as the years have gone on, his words ring true. We are too overly sensitive and the pussification of America in the face of simple entertainment is the real offense.

That being said, Blazing Saddles in my #1 of the greatest comedy films ever.

I've had my 2 cents. Now it's your turn. Vote for what you think the best film is in Megaton Maynard's new weekend poll below!

Who Dumped a Whole Truckload of Fizzies at the Swim Meet?

Who delivered the medical school, cadavers to the alumni dinner?
Every fall the trees are full of underwear, every spring the toilets . . . explode.

Animal House was an instant classic and helped to launch John Belushi into mainstream comic front man. While many might argue that The Blues Brothers was his best role, it was Bluto, the Delta Tau Sergeant at Arms, that made his career.

Animal House is another witty combination of spot on one liners complementing great scenes. My favorites include:

1) Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?
2) Wait till Otis sees us! He loves us!
3) Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
4) A pledge pin? On your uniform!
5) Greg honey, is it supposed to be this soft?

This film totally ruined my college expectations and also gave me a lifelong resentment towards frat boys. The posh frat house, with Greggy and Dougie and the rest of the Hitler youth, were the prototype of every underhanded, snobbish, rich-boy frat houses in films ever since, most notably captured by the brutal Alpha Betas in Revenge of the Morts, err...Nerds.

Animal House never has a duill moment and hilarious scenes of lone carnage, like Bluto spying through the window of the sorority house, are temepered with group mayhem, notably the death of Niedermayer's horse and the food fight scene.

Animal House is one of the few movies I never get tired of watching whenever it pops up on tv even though I own the Double Secret Probation edition on DVD. There are several moments of my illustrious though checkered college career with friends like Morty, Skippy, Squid, and The Big Tuna, that smack of Animal House shenanigans. And that is why Animal House is #2 on my list of great comedies.

Lush Man

Megaton Maynard is happy to announce that his old comrade Lush Man, founding member of the Legion of Super Dudes, has reported in after a 3 year absence. After restoring peace in East Timor, Lush Man is seen here frequenting the Red Light district of Amsterdam pumping informants for information on his next case. Keep up the good work Lush Man, you do the Megaton Rangers proud!

Have Fun With Lassie, Coach

I may lose some of you here but I loved Porky's. This is another example of simple comic scenes that really drive a film home. I also realize that none of my choices come from after 1982. Well, they don't make them like they used to.
Porky's has three of the funniest movie scenes ever. They all revolve around bathroom humor and the ability of the characters to stay stone faced in the midst of abject hilarity.
Porky's best scenes:

1) Hands down the best scenes happens in two parts. The first half is where Tommy Turner, Pee Wee and Billy pay a visit to the peep hole of the girl's locker room showers. The ladies find out that the fellows are there, so Tommy takes out his "little executive" and pushes it through the peep hole. At that moment, gym teacher Beulah Balbricker breaks up the shower scene, spies the insolent weiner and seizes it. A tug of war of epic proportions ensues, leading us to. . .
2) The principal's office where Beulah wishes to have all the boys line up for an "inspection" of their private parts. Beulah is convinced she can identify the offending prick from a line up. Coaches Brackett, Warren, and Goodenough are unable to keep a straight face. Then the real crack up begins as Brackett starts going on about how they should call a police sketch artists to draw the pecker Beulah claims she can ID. The APB on the prick and the collapse of the scene into total laughter make this one of the best scenes in comic film history.
3) Lassie. Young and hot Kim Cattrall lives up to her moniker as she gets a little too vocal with Coach Brackett during an intimate moment. As her howls carry across the gymnasium, the other coach, laughing too hard to carry on basketball practice, hides behind a wresling mat on the wall and loses his mind. He laughs, the students laugh, and you'll laugh.

There are several other key scenes including the trip to the shack in the woods for the fellows to lose their virginity to professional call-girl Cherry Forever broken up by her very angry "husband", the shot of a nude Pee Wee running for his life past a passing cruiser, and Meat nearly drowning in his bowl of chili.

In all Porky's is a great movie even 20 years later and that is why it is #3 on my list of great comedies.