You Are Getting Sleepy

The evils of the Magic Kingdom. Vanessa Hudgens is just another in a string of crazy young stars to embarass themselves after/during their Disney career. The juggernaut that is Disney TV has really churned out a cavalcade of craptastic celebrities over the years:

Britney Spears -- Hillbilly trainwreck; uber-whore; no talent hack
Christina Aquilera -- Blonde latina (?) who redefined skanky before she realized she was talented
Justin Timberlake -- Power 'mo who still thinks Michael Jackson is relevant
Vanessa Hudgens -- trying to make 70's bush popular again
Fergie -- wet herself on stage: dedication or deviance?
Lindsey Lohan -- "fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son"
Jessica Simpson -- finalist for the mouse club but never made it on -- standards, heh, who knew?
Ryan Gosling -- who the hell is Ryan Gosling?

As you can see by the photo above, it may not be all the fault of the star in question. Disney seems to have some pretty heavy handed "initiation" techniques that may turn the mind and morals of these once innocent kids into mush. It would appear that out-right brainwashing is used. This, my fearless reader, is what your humble narrator will try to get to the bottom of.

Oh The Humanity

News reports have surfaced indicating that "High School Musical" pop-tart Vanessa Hudgens has been a naughty girl who let her boyfriend snap nude photos of her in their hotel room in Hawaii. As you all know, Megaton Maynard, superhero extra-ordinaire, is all about celibacy and morality. Maynard's credo is that, "There is no time for love or generalized nudeness when crime is afoot". However, as a superhero, Megaton Maynard is something of an investigator, having honed my skills while working closely with Lush Man. Lush Man always taught me that scandalous nude photos of any young starlet need to be "poured over with a fine tooth comb, often sacrificing hours of your day to not just study the nude in question but to seek others like it. Well my loyal readers, your hero WILL be studying this scandalous nude photo several times a day for at least 5 to 7 minutes a pop. . . you know, to confirm that it really is her and not like Fidel Castro in drag or anything.

With Apologies to Cookie

Well, it turns out that while I expected someone to complain about being on the porno list, I was not expecting a complaint for being left off. My beautiful, talented, lovely, and well endowed with huge tracks of land sister-in-law has called your humble blogger to the floor for leaving her hanging....off the list.

So Cookie, here are some of the finer porn-starlet names I have discovered for you.

Cream Cookie
Pink Cookie
Cookie Lubber
Cookie Spreadum
DP Cookie
Stretch Cookie
Cookie Stump
Buster Cookie
Cookie Cox
Cookie Lipps
Cookie Funkenstein
Cookie Holiday
Cookie Samples
Cookie Kramz
Cookie Canyon
Cherry Cookie
Ginger Cookie
Malt Licka Cookie (for the brothers)
Cookie Chow
Cookie Mounds
Cookie Cleavage
Whopper Cookie
Cookie Shagswell
Alabama Fudgeslide Cookie
Almond Joy Cookie Balls

Personally, I don't see myself ever passing up a shot at something as delightfully naughty as an Alabama Fudgeslide Cookie. That's my vote.

New Poll Up Now!!!

Awesome, I say. While surfing the interwebs I found several "name generator" programs for things such as porn stars, prison bitches, and hacker handles. Well, I opted to see what some of these programs came up with for those people lucky enough (or sad enough) to be my closeted, err, I mean closest friends. So without further ado, who do you feel has the best name made for "adult entertainment". Voting is opened. Vote early. Vote often. Vote for more than one this time.

The Jury Is In!

Well, my loyal readers (all two of you) have voted and your will is done. YOU the loyal reader believe that the only reason that Morty would go to a Richard Marx concert is to score, possible with Richard Marx (a little stinkfist action?).

Morty, however, calls it patently false. To paraphrase Morty, " Okay fucker...blah blah...no one has it right...blah blah...squid's TV made me blind...blah blah...WHOOOO!....blah blah...you're lame...blah blah...I hit on a transvestite by mistake one night...blah blah"

So there you have it. Look for a brand new poll exclusive to this fine blog very soon.

Maynard

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GOP = Gay Old Pedophiles

So why are so many Republicans child molesters, 'mo's, or pedophiles? What's with Haggard and Foley and Craig and so many others being closeted, self-loathing 'mo's? And what's with their "affection" for minors? Is it all part of their "Family Values" platform?

• Republican legislator Ted Klaudt was charged with raping girls under the age of 16.

• Republican city councilman Joseph Monteleone Jr. was found guilty of fondling underage girls.

• Republican congressional aide Jeffrey Nielsen was arrested for having sex with a 14-year old boy.

• Republican County Commissioner Patrick Lee McGuire surrendered to police after allegedly molesting girls between the ages of 8 and 13.

• Republican prosecutor Larry Corrigan was arrested for soliciting sex from 13-year old girls.

• Republican Mayor Jeffrey Kyle Randall was sentenced to 275 days in jail for molesting two boys -- ages ten and 12 -- during a six-year period.

• Republican County Board Candidate Brent Schepp was charged with molesting a 14-year old girl and killed himself three days later.

• Republican Congressman Mark Foley abruptly resigned from Congress after "sexually explicit" emails surfaced showing him flirting with a 16-year old boy.

• Republican executive Randall Casseday of the conservative Washington Times newspaper pleaded guilty to soliciting sex from a 13-year old girl on the internet.

• Republican chairman of the Oregon Christian Coalition Lou Beres confessed to molesting a 13-year old girl.

• Republican County Constable Larry Dale Floyd pleaded guilty to charges of soliciting sex from an 8-year old girl. Floyd has repeatedly won elections for Denton County, Texas, constable.

• Republican judge Mark Pazuhanich pleaded no contest to fondling a 10-year old girl and was sentenced to 10 years probation.

• Republican Party leader Bobby Stumbo was arrested for having sex with a 5-year old boy.

• Republican petition drive manager Tom Randall pleaded guilty to molesting two girls under the age of 14, one of them the daughter of an associate in the petition business.

• Republican County Chairman Armando Tebano pleaded guilty to fondling a 14-year-old girl.

• Republican teacher and former city councilman John Collins pleaded guilty to sexually molesting 13 and 14 year old girls.

• Republican campaign worker Mark Seidensticker is a convicted child molester.

• Republican Mayor Philip Giordano is serving a 37-year sentence in federal prison for sexually abusing 8- and 10-year old girls.

• Republican Mayor Tom Adams was arrested for distributing child pornography over the internet.

• Republican Mayor John Gosek was arrested on charges of soliciting sex from two 15-year old girls.

• Republican County Commissioner David Swartz pleaded guilty to molesting two girls under the age of 11 and was sentenced to 8 years in prison.

• Republican legislator Edison Misla Aldarondo was sentenced to 10 years in prison for raping his daughter between the ages of 9 and 17.

• Republican Committeeman John R. Curtin was convicted of molesting an underage teenage boy and sentenced to serve six to 18 months in prison.

• Republican anti-abortion activist Howard Scott Heldreth is a convicted child rapist in Florida.

• Republican zoning supervisor, Boy Scout leader and Lutheran church president Dennis L. Rader pleaded guilty to performing a sexual act on an 11-year old girl he murdered.

• Republican anti-abortion activist Nicholas Morency pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer and offering a bounty to anybody who murders an abortion doctor.

• Republican campaign consultant Tom Shortridge was sentenced to three years probation for taking nude photographs of a 15-year old girl.

• Republican racist pedophile and United States Senator Strom Thurmond had sex with a 15-year old black girl which produced a child.

• Republican pastor Mike Hintz, whom George W. Bush commended during the 2004 presidential campaign, surrendered to police after admitting to a sexual affair with a female juvenile.

• Republican legislator Peter Dibble pleaded no contest to having an inappropriate relationship with a 13-year-old girl.

• Republican advertising consultant Carey Lee Cramer was sentenced to six years in prison for molesting two 8-year old girls, one of whom appeared in an anti-Gore television commercial.

• Republican fundraiser Lawrence E. King, Jr. organized child sex parties at the White House during the 1980s.

• Republican lobbyist Craig J. Spence organized child sex parties at the White House during the 1980s.

• Republican Congressman Donald "Buz" Lukens was found guilty of having sex with a female minor and sentenced to one month in jail.

• Republican fundraiser Richard A. Delgaudio was found guilty of child porn charges and paying two teenage girls to pose for sexual photos.

• Republican activist Mark A. Grethen convicted on six counts of sex crimes involving children.

• Republican campaign chairman Randal David Ankeney pleaded guilty to attempted sexual assault on a child and was arrested again five years later on the same charge.

• Republican Congressman Dan Crane had sex with a female minor working as a congressional page.

• Republican activist and Christian Coalition leader Beverly Russell admitted to an incestuous relationship with his step daughter.

• Republican Judge Ronald C. Kline pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography on his home computer.

• Republican congressman and anti-gay activist Robert Bauman was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old boy he picked up at a gay bar.

• Republican Committee Chairman Jeffrey Patti was arrested for distributing a video clip of a 5-year-old girl being raped.

• Republican activist Marty Glickman (a.k.a. "Republican Marty"), was taken into custody by Florida police on four counts of unlawful sexual activity with an underage girl and one count of delivering the drug LSD.

• Republican legislative aide Howard L. Brooks was charged with molesting a 12-year old boy and possession of child pornography.

• Republican Senate candidate John Hathaway was accused of having sex with his 12-year old baby sitter and withdrew his candidacy after the allegations were reported in the media.
  

• Republican preacher Stephen White, who demanded a return to traditional values, was sentenced prison after offering $20 to a 14-year-old boy for permission to perform oral sex on him.
  

• Republican talk show host Jon Matthews pleaded guilty to exposing his genitals to an 11 year old girl.
  

• Republican anti-gay activist Earl "Butch" Kimmerling was sentenced to 40 years in prison for molesting an 8-year old girl after he attempted to stop a gay couple from adopting her.

• Republican Party leader Paul Ingram pleaded guilty to six counts of raping his daughters and served 14 years in federal prison.

• Republican election board official Kevin Coan was sentenced to two years probation for soliciting sex over the internet from a 14-year old girl.

• Republican politician Andrew Buhr was charged with two counts of first degree sodomy with a 13-year old boy.
  

• Republican legislator Keith Westmoreland was arrested on seven felony counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition to girls under the age of 16 (i.e. exposing himself to children).
  

• Republican anti-abortion activist John Allen Burt was found guilty of molesting a 15-year old girl.

• Republican County Councilman Keola Childs pleaded guilty to molesting a male child.

• Republican activist John Butler was charged with criminal sexual assault on a teenage girl.

• Republican candidate Richard Gardner admitted to molesting his two daughters.

• Republican Councilman and former Marine Jack W. Gardner was convicted of molesting a 13-year old girl.

• Republican County Commissioner Merrill Robert Barter pleaded guilty to unlawful sexual contact and assault on a teenage boy.

• Republican City Councilman Fred C. Smeltzer, Jr. pleaded no contest to raping a 15 year-old girl and served 6-months in prison.

• Republican activist Parker J. Bena pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography on his home computer and was sentenced to 30 months in federal prison and fined $18,000.

• Republican parole board officer and former Colorado state representative, Larry Jack Schwarz, was fired after child pornography was found in his possession.

• Republican strategist and Citadel Military College graduate Robin Vanderwall was convicted in Virginia on five counts of soliciting sex from boys and girls over the internet.

• Republican city councilman Mark Harris, who is described as a "good military man" and "church goer," was convicted of repeatedly having sex with an 11-year-old girl and sentenced to 12 years in prison.

• Republican businessman Jon Grunseth withdrew his candidacy for Minnesota governor after allegations surfaced that he went swimming in the nude with four underage girls, including his daughter.

• Republican campaign worker, police officer and self-proclaimed reverend Steve Aiken was convicted of having sex with two underage girls.

• Republican director of the "Young Republican Federation" Nicholas Elizondo molested his 6-year old daughter and was sentenced to six years in prison.

• Republican president of the New York City Housing Development Corp. Russell Harding pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer.

• Republican benefactor of conservative Christian groups, Richard A. Dasen Sr., was found guilty of raping a 15-year old girl. Dasen, 62, who is married with grown children and several grandchildren, has allegedly told police that over the past decade he paid more than $1 million to have sex with a large number of young women.

• Republican Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld authorized the rape of children in Iraqi prisons in order to humiliate their parents into providing information about the anti-American insurgency. See excerpt of one prisoner's report here and his full report here.

***Credit: www.armchairsubversive.org

Says It All