Hey Squid, Are You Qualfied to Coach the Raiders?

1. Why in heaven's name would you want this job?

2. How is your John Madden impersonation?

3. When you were a kid, did you ever dream of being in a circus?

4. When was the last winning Raiders team? If you wish, round off to the nearest decade.

5. Name three men in the NFL more important than Al Davis. Extra points if you can't think of that many.

6. Are you personally related to any of the former Raiders coaches who couldn't cut the mustard?

7. Are you prepared to make the tough decisions on the questions Mr. Davis gives you sole authority to answer? For instance, tie color. Very important. And when it comes to how you like your eggs, the buck stops at your desk.

8. Would you say the fact the Raiders have not won a Super Bowl in nearly 25 years is due to coaching error, league conspiracy or global warming?

9. Wouldn't you agree that given the honor of working for the Oakland Raiders, getting paid isn't really all that important?

10. Which golf course will you be playing on NFL draft day, so the Raiders can find you and let you know who you've drafted?

11. When you're fired, would you prefer it be by e-mail or cellphone?

12. Were you ever in the jury pool for an Al Davis lawsuit?

13. If things go south, what names will you not mind being called on national television?

14. Did you watch the press conference, when Mr. Davis dismissed that lying, no-good Kiffin?

15. Did you notice that the background behind the podium was a wee bit Spartan? And the presentation was a tad long? And the owner was often on the grim and worn side? Matter of fact, did it bother you that when some viewers first saw it, they mistook it for a May Day speech from Kim Jong-il on North Korean television?

16. How quickly can you pack?

17. Don't you still think Los Angeles should have built us a new stadium?

18. If you lose at home to the Denver Broncos and Mike Shanahan very often, will you do the honorable thing and fall on your sword?

19. What will be your deadline each week for suggestions to be faxed from the owner's box?

Thank you for your answers. We'll be in contact soon. Just wait, baby.

(usatoday.com)